Butterflies and Rainbows

New Year’s resolutions. Am I the only one still left on the planet who doesn’t think they are the devil’s tool? I love resolutions.  Yeah, many people don’t last past the first one or two days, but so what.  Many people don’t last past the first one or two days when they start something in the middle of the year. So, I’ll have my resolutions and enjoy them, too.

I’m back to blogging.  But, this time is different.  I will be 100% honest and I may say some things that offend you.  I may contradict myself because I am a multi-dimensional woman who needs to explore her many ideas and thoughts.  One day, I may be a glass half-full kinda gal.  The next day, that same glass might be half-empty. One day, I might have a drill sergeant mentality. The next day, I might need to coddle myself. Some days, I might seem rude, selfish or immature.  The next day, I might seem like a perfect angel. Please remember that I am not a naturally gifted writer who’s prose absolutely amazes the reader.  I tend to write like a think….sometimes random and in incomplete sentences.  I tend to ramble as I work through my thoughts.  Sometimes, my language is not that pretty. I’m not proud of that, but sometimes a curse word works so very well to express my feelings.  I am working on improving my vocabulary selections. For now, I am keeping my blog public, but I may need to move these to private in the future.  It all depends on what I find as I dig into the psyche of mine.

On last season’s Biggest Loser, Bob was quite concerned that one of the contestants had not learned anything about herself during her weight loss journey.  In his view and experience, she was setting herself up for failure at maintaining her loss.  I’ve always poo’ed the whole “dig-into-your thoughts” crap. I’m much more of a just-do-it-and-quit-whining kinda gal. But, I’m starting to realize that I have to get to know Rhonda. Who she is. What makes her tick. Why she chose to let herself get to this point in her life where she looks in the mirror and no longer recognizes herself.  (WTH am I talking in the third person?!) I’ve become this woman who allows herself to be swayed by every little breeze in life.  I used to be strong and determined. ‘No’ or ‘can’t’ were not words in my vocabulary. And, no one screwed with me! I knew what I wanted and what I needed to do and everyone could get with the program or get off the map! And, I managed to be like this with niceness and kindness to others. Now? I don’t like what I have become. I’m a patsy for my family.  I find myself wanting to please and failing miserably.  I’ve created a family of that waits for Mom to do everything…except cook.  Thank God that Hubby does that!  Where did the real Rhonda go? I have to believe that she is still inside there somewhere…just hiding behind the fat and waiting for me to let her back out to play again.  So, I blog. And, I will keep blogging until I find my way out again.

Hello, Friends!

Yep, Rhonda has found her mojo again.  Can you believe that I’ve been on-plan for 25 days?! So, you ask “from whence comes this newfound committment?” Well, there was no one single Hallmark moment….rather, I had a series of events and thoughts that coalesced into one single driving need to finally see One-derland and, ultimately, my goal weight of 150. 

• My 44th birthday last month.  I don’t want to waste one more minute of my life wishing I were thinner, healthier and more energetic.
• Trying on clothes in preparation for my trip to FL - mirrors+too tight clothing = major sadness and defeat
• My bout with major depression has been relieved with the assistance of some wonderful meds and some forgotten bio-feedback techniques.
• The wonderful success of some of my peeps on 3FC has renewed my hope that this is possible.  I can lose weight, too.

Over the last 25 days, I’ve removed all refined sugars from my diet, re-started my modified C25K program and started trying new fruits, veggies and whole grains.  I can’t remember the last time I felt this good both physically and mentally.  Life is good and I’m enjoying the ride!

Made it through another on-plan day.  I didn’t track calories, but I watched my eating and ate only on-plan foods on the same schedule that I’ve been following for the last three days.  Only drank 16 oz of water today.  We had thunderstorms at our walking time, so I decided to get on the treadmill and I did day 1 of the 13 week beginning running program.  I did 50 minutes of 30 minute jogs interspersed with 4 1/2 minute walks.  I loved it!

Another great on-plan day.  Stayed within calories.  Didn’t get enough water.  Have I ever said how much I hate drinking water?  I’m only doing it because I think my body wants it.  I did go walking tonight.  Didn’t make it for the full 3.9 miles.  My stomach cramped up about 2/3 of the way into it and I had to make a ‘wog’ to the house…up a hill!  Yikes, almost didn’t make it.  I was saying some heavy duty prayers….more like heavy duty pleading!…that I’d make it to the bathroom in time.  I’m happy to say that I did.

I’m getting myself psyched to enter the realm of vegetables.  I’ve never been a big vegetable lover, but I want to start eating more of them.  I just think they are incredibly healthy.  I just need to learn to make them taste good.  I’ll probably buy a vegetarian cookbook soon.  No, I don’t want to give up meat at this time.  I like meat.

Yeah, I messed up yesterday’s date.

 Day 2 went well. Didn’t drink as much water, but stayed just at 1500 calories and walked the 3.9 miles again. The walk was a bit tougher tonight as I wasn’t feeling as energetic, but I’m glad I followed through. Now, I get the opportunity to enjoy my victory over myself!

Yep, we’re on day 1 again.  Today went well.  Total of 1470 calories for the day.  Walked 3.9 mile…in the rain.  Boy, do I feel that in the old buttocks and thighs!

I’m afraid to give up the comfort of my food.  When absolutely nothing else is going well with my life, I can always count on my food.  Silly, huh?

Today is day 1 of vacation. No sleeping in for me today as I had to get the DDs off to school and I have a ton of de-cluttering and cleaning to do before my in-laws get into town tomorrow. If I have time, I’ll be picking up some flowers for my flower boxes and weed the flower bed. The goal is to not only get the house ship shape for company, but to also keep myself too busy to eat and get tons of exercise. The inlaws are taking the DD’s back to Florida with them for probably a month.  Hubby and I are talking about going back on Southbeach while they are gone. The plan works very well for us.  I have no idea why we decided to stop following it.
So, last night, Hubby and I were talking about investments and we have an investment that just might pay off in a nice way next year. We were talking about what we’d like to do with part of the money…visit my brother and his family in Asia, buy a newer vehicle, do some really nice landscaping, buy some ATV’s, re-invest it…..then, I mentioned to him that I just might like to have some “nip & tuck” when I reach goal. I thought he’d laugh it off like I was joking. Boy, was I surprised to hear him say that he’d have no problem if that’s what I really wanted to do. I’ve always thought that I’d like to get a tummy tuck. After 4 abdominal surgeries, two pregnancies and carrying around over 100 pounds, my stomach will probably not look so good when I lose the weight. I’d also not be opposed to getting the “girls” put back on the shelf where they belong. :D  I’m not really sure that I’d spend the money on the surgery…it kinda seems a bit self indulgent when there are so many other nice things we could do for the whole family…but, then again, it would be kinda nice to feel good in my skin again.

…..seriously, they are.  Don’t believe me?  Well, look at the fat on my stomach, my thighs, my butt…yep, I’m killing myself.  I don’t want to deal with the emotions.  It’s so much easier to binge on the sugar than to deal with the lurking emotions.  And, the sugar makes me feel better.  Truly, it does….until I crash and feel like I’ve been rolled over by truck.  I’m afraid to take out the emotions and really look at them because this might trigger the depression and I swore I’d never let myself get clinically depressed again.  So, what to do? It’s not like my life is that bad.  Not really.  I have a wonderful husband (yeah, he’s a package deal with the Big B, but that’s not his fault) my daughters are wonderful (yeah, they’re mouthy and the older one is an insolent tween, but they get awesome grades and have beautiful personalitities) I have a beautiful home (yeah, the Big B lives downstairs, but her sorry butt isn’t right here in my face everyday.)  So, what do I have to be emotional about? 

 I’m bored with my job,bored, bored, bored, but feel locked into doing it because of the flexibility and the pay and because I’m not getting any younger and I’d have to go back to school for 4 years to do anything else interesting. This current job uses almost none of my talents or personality strengths.  I’m angry with my Dad because he decides to change his whole way of interacting with me and my brother when we were already dealing with the death of Mom. Good grief! I am a vital part of this father-daughter relationship.  Don’t I get a say in this?!  I was perfectly happy with the way we were.  Then, he remarries quickly..and that opens up a whole other can of issues for me.  She’s wonderful, but my Mom was wonderful, too.  It seems like he doesn’t realize how wonderful she was.  I could be wrong…I probably am…but, this is how I feel.  And, Hubby, I’m still majorly attracted to you, but you don’t seem to see the woman anymore.  I don’t want to be your buddy.  I want heat, I want passion…..I want sex!  I may be 80 pound overweight, but that sexy woman is still alive behind the fat.  Then, my brother and Sister-in-law take my baby nephews all the way to Southeast Asia where I have almost zero contact and I miss them like crazy.  I’m majorly PO’d with that assinine Dr. S who lied to me about my hysterectomy.  Listen to me, you old goat!  A total hystectomy does make losing weight much more difficult and it does impact your sex life and it does make you grumpy and irritable and, basically, an emotional wreck!  And, guess what?  Women are more than just a mound of estrogen!  Yep, we have progesterone and testosterone, too.  So, why do you want me to take this synthetic pill that pumps extra estrogen into my body when you haven’t even tested me to see if I need it?!   But, most of all, I’m angry with you because I didn’t have to have the surgery!!! Guess what?  A total hysterectomy is no guarantee that I’ll never have ovarian cancer.  I still have ovarian cells within my abdominal cavity….because, I am a woman and I was born with ovaries! 

Wow…I am an angry person.  So, do I really want to take these emotions out and examine them closely?  Not today.  Maybe tomorrow.