Butterflies and Rainbows

Today is day 1 of vacation. No sleeping in for me today as I had to get the DDs off to school and I have a ton of de-cluttering and cleaning to do before my in-laws get into town tomorrow. If I have time, I’ll be picking up some flowers for my flower boxes and weed the flower bed. The goal is to not only get the house ship shape for company, but to also keep myself too busy to eat and get tons of exercise. The inlaws are taking the DD’s back to Florida with them for probably a month.  Hubby and I are talking about going back on Southbeach while they are gone. The plan works very well for us.  I have no idea why we decided to stop following it.
So, last night, Hubby and I were talking about investments and we have an investment that just might pay off in a nice way next year. We were talking about what we’d like to do with part of the money…visit my brother and his family in Asia, buy a newer vehicle, do some really nice landscaping, buy some ATV’s, re-invest it…..then, I mentioned to him that I just might like to have some “nip & tuck” when I reach goal. I thought he’d laugh it off like I was joking. Boy, was I surprised to hear him say that he’d have no problem if that’s what I really wanted to do. I’ve always thought that I’d like to get a tummy tuck. After 4 abdominal surgeries, two pregnancies and carrying around over 100 pounds, my stomach will probably not look so good when I lose the weight. I’d also not be opposed to getting the “girls” put back on the shelf where they belong. :D  I’m not really sure that I’d spend the money on the surgery…it kinda seems a bit self indulgent when there are so many other nice things we could do for the whole family…but, then again, it would be kinda nice to feel good in my skin again.

…..seriously, they are.  Don’t believe me?  Well, look at the fat on my stomach, my thighs, my butt…yep, I’m killing myself.  I don’t want to deal with the emotions.  It’s so much easier to binge on the sugar than to deal with the lurking emotions.  And, the sugar makes me feel better.  Truly, it does….until I crash and feel like I’ve been rolled over by truck.  I’m afraid to take out the emotions and really look at them because this might trigger the depression and I swore I’d never let myself get clinically depressed again.  So, what to do? It’s not like my life is that bad.  Not really.  I have a wonderful husband (yeah, he’s a package deal with the Big B, but that’s not his fault) my daughters are wonderful (yeah, they’re mouthy and the older one is an insolent tween, but they get awesome grades and have beautiful personalitities) I have a beautiful home (yeah, the Big B lives downstairs, but her sorry butt isn’t right here in my face everyday.)  So, what do I have to be emotional about? 

 I’m bored with my job,bored, bored, bored, but feel locked into doing it because of the flexibility and the pay and because I’m not getting any younger and I’d have to go back to school for 4 years to do anything else interesting. This current job uses almost none of my talents or personality strengths.  I’m angry with my Dad because he decides to change his whole way of interacting with me and my brother when we were already dealing with the death of Mom. Good grief! I am a vital part of this father-daughter relationship.  Don’t I get a say in this?!  I was perfectly happy with the way we were.  Then, he remarries quickly..and that opens up a whole other can of issues for me.  She’s wonderful, but my Mom was wonderful, too.  It seems like he doesn’t realize how wonderful she was.  I could be wrong…I probably am…but, this is how I feel.  And, Hubby, I’m still majorly attracted to you, but you don’t seem to see the woman anymore.  I don’t want to be your buddy.  I want heat, I want passion…..I want sex!  I may be 80 pound overweight, but that sexy woman is still alive behind the fat.  Then, my brother and Sister-in-law take my baby nephews all the way to Southeast Asia where I have almost zero contact and I miss them like crazy.  I’m majorly PO’d with that assinine Dr. S who lied to me about my hysterectomy.  Listen to me, you old goat!  A total hystectomy does make losing weight much more difficult and it does impact your sex life and it does make you grumpy and irritable and, basically, an emotional wreck!  And, guess what?  Women are more than just a mound of estrogen!  Yep, we have progesterone and testosterone, too.  So, why do you want me to take this synthetic pill that pumps extra estrogen into my body when you haven’t even tested me to see if I need it?!   But, most of all, I’m angry with you because I didn’t have to have the surgery!!! Guess what?  A total hysterectomy is no guarantee that I’ll never have ovarian cancer.  I still have ovarian cells within my abdominal cavity….because, I am a woman and I was born with ovaries! 

Wow…I am an angry person.  So, do I really want to take these emotions out and examine them closely?  Not today.  Maybe tomorrow.