Getting Healthy for Life

Let’s see, what have I eaten today?

I don’t think I had anything for breakfast.  I’m trying to remember if I even drank anything.  I can’t remember.

I got home from church and DH went to the gas station and bought 8 pieces of chicken which came with 4 honey biscuits.  He also bought some sweet and sour wings since we’ve never tried them before.  Embarrassing to say, but I ate 1 sweet and sour wing, 2 fried wings, and 1 leg.  I also ate 2 biscuits.  No veggies at all.

Throughout the day, I have snacked on Doritos, baked Cheetos, pistachios, a fun size Snickers candy bar, and that’s all I can thick of right now.  Oh, wait, I did take a couple of small bites of a strawberry frosted pop tart that I gave to DD.

Wow, I have not had one healthy item today.  Oh, I remember what I had for breakfast now.  An oatmeal Reeses pieces cookie.  And I also ate one more of those sometime today.

I have drank one and half cups of coffee with creamer and sugar and Diet Dr. Pepper.

Tomorrow will definitely be a better day.  The only reason I put all this stuff on here today is because it is time for me to accountable again.  I need to record this stuff.  I need to feel embarrassed about it.  It will feel much better to record healthy foods than all this junk.  I’m weighing myself in the morning.  I’m sure it won’t be pretty because I’ve been eating very poorly for a couple of weeks now.

And here I am again…yes, I’m still here…just not keeping up with anything I eat.  I’m still maintaining, which is good, but it’s time to lose another 10-15 lbs.  I have no motivation right now.  I don’t even feel right typing this because I feel like I’m already going to fail before I even get back on track.  Right now I feel like I hate counting calories.  I hate having to keep up with everything and I hate worrying about it.  I hate drinking water all the time because I hate having to go the bathroom all the time.  I just do not want to get back into and then give up…again.  Yes, losing the weight is awesome and fitting into smaller clothes is awesome, but getting there is just so hard for me.  I’m usually not this depressing, but I figured it’s about time for me to be honest and just face the facts.  Yes, it is going to be hard, but in the long run I will feel much better, right?  RIGHT?  I owe this to myself.  I’m a year away from 30 and I OWE THIS TO MYSELF!  And to my kids, and to my husband.  I owe this to my future employer.  I need to be here.  I need to be healthy and I need to keep up with my children.  I need to be a good example for them to follow.  I do not want them to deal with the self-esteem problems that I still struggle with today.  Yes, THEY are worth it too.  It’s not about fitting into smaller clothes anymore.  It’s about living a long, healthy life for my kids.  Being here on this earth so I can see them grow up and see my grand kids and great grand kids grow up.  Yep, that’s what it’s for, and I think if I keep telling myself that then I will be successful.  I just have to keep reminding myself…it’s for my kids and it’s for me.  I can do this.  The road will be hard, like always, but I can do this.

My diet is not going so well.  I just can’t seem to get it in gear this time around.  On the plus side, I’m maintaining between 211-214 and I’m still wearing my 16s.  That’s definitely an accomplishment since it has been so long since I have worn 16s for a long period of time. Anyway, I just wish there was something out there to motivate me more.  My next reward goal is 210 and I had said that I would get a manicure.  That’s just not something I really look forward to, so I may need to change it.  However, I’m only a pound away on my good days!  You would think I could just stick with it and get on down.  I know I can do it, I’ve just been feeling down lately.  I don’t know what’s going on with me.  I guess I’m just tired.  School and family-life keeps me so busy and I just seem to stay exhausted.  I can’t seem to get anything done around the house.  My house is always a mess and I think that is putting a damper on my attitude.  Anyway, I got the kitchen cleaned up tonight and I felt so much better, but now the laundry has piled up.  Also, DD’s bday party is this weekend and I’m worried about getting things cleaned and together and organized before people come over.  I know I shouldn’t let it bother me so much, but it does bother me.  I can’t help it.  Now, if I could just get my eating under control, we would be doing great.

I’m at 211.4 today.  1.4 pounds away from my next reward goal!

I was unsuccessful this weekend.  It’s 9:21pm and I feel like poo because I’ve eaten crap all day.  You are what you eat, I suppose.  When will I learn from this?  When will I be able to fight my addiction to food?  Why do we constantly do this to ourselves when we know how it’s going to make us feel later?  Is this how it is for a drug addict that feels bad about doing drugs?  It has to be very similar.  I have never been addicted to drugs, but I am addicted to food and I know I love it when I’m eating it, but then I feel horrible afterwards.  I just want to be able to get over that.  I want to experience different joy in my life besides that chocolate chip cookie.  Why do I make it matter so much?  It’s just a dang cookie.

Anyway, sorry about that.  I just had to get it out.  I know tomorrow is a new day and I’ll be fine, but today is today and I needed to finally admit it to myself.  How do you finally get to the point to where food is just a fuel and not a comfort?

I’m still 213.  This week, I stayed on plan one day.  I didn’t track like I had planned and I didn’t get much water in.  Note to self:  Must do better next week!  I usually eat whatever on the weekends, but I think I’m going to watch everything this weekend and track whatever I eat on myfitnesspal.  I was off this whole week, so I at least can start the weekend off right.

Oh! I have a NSV (non-scale victory)!  I went to GAP yesterday and tried on their largest size in the store (16).  They fit!  Oh my goodness, they fit!  I did a happy dance right there in the fitting room while I was admiring my butt.  Haha!  It was such a good moment.  I cannot believe I finally fit into one of their pairs of pants.  My mom and sister was with me and even they admired my butt.  Bahahaha!  It definitely was a moment I never want to forget.

So, I am thinking that I would love to be in a 14 for graduation, which is May 12th.  That’s 7 weeks from now.  If I can stay on track and lose at least 2 lbs a week, that’s 14lbs, which will put me right under 200!  So, I don’t know what size I would be, but it would be nice to be under 200 lbs by graduation.

Went almost 900 calories over my goal today.  It was all because of dinner.  Hubby wanted Chinese and I ate way too much…feel sick actually.  On a good note, I drank water most of the day.  I had coffee this morning and a cup of unsweet tea with lunch, but no DDP’s for me today!  Woohoo!  Also, I tracked every single thing that I ate today even though I went over.  I didn’t know the exact counts of the Chinese food, but I just added something anyway.  So, Day 1 of my goal done.

Baby Girl decided she wasn’t going to sleep last night.  She went to bed around 6:30-7 and then woke up at 11pm.  Then she didn’t go back to sleep until a little after 1am!  I only got about 4 hours of sleep and I am so tired right now.  I took a 10 minute power nap a little while ago.  I’m hoping she sleeps better tonight.  I don’t know what her deal was last night.  I’m thinking she may be cutting another tooth.  Those are just not fun for the little ones.

I weighed this morning, but I’m not going to post it since I was way above than what I thought I was going to be.  I think I’m going to wait until Wednesday or Thursday to see if I’m down any.  I’m pretty sure it’s water retention since I didn’t really watch what I ate over the spring break.  Plus, AF is just right around the corner.

I had a really, really great spring break.  I’m sad that I have to go back to school, but I’m happy that it’s another week closer to graduation.  I’m planning on weighing in tomorrow morning.  I have a feeling I’ll have a slight gain just because I haven’t tracked anything for the past week.  Back to calorie counting tomorrow.  My goal is to track every single thing I put in my mouth, even if I don’t know the calories.  I just need to get it on the tracker.  So, yes, tracking for the next 5 days is my mini goal.  My next goal is to drink at least 4 cups of water while at the elem. school.  I figure if I can get in 4 while at the school then I can get in the other 2 to 4 at home.  I really need the water.  I’ve been drinking way too much DDP lately, and I know it isn’t good for me.  My bigger goal — I want my 16s to be loose on me by the time I graduate.

I’m on Spring Break this week so I have a little time to update the blog.  I’ve been crazy busy with school.   I’m weighing in on Mondays now.  This past Monday I was 212.8.  Going down…slowly, but surely.  I bought a pair of size 16 jeans from Old Navy the other day!  I can’t tell you the last time I bought jeans in a 16.  I’ve been wearing my casuals in 16’s since we started back this semester, but I didn’t have a pair of jeans in 16. They are a little snug, but it’s so nice to finally have some in a smaller size that are not constantly falling off of me.  My 18’s were constantly falling down and I could pull them down without unbuttoning or unzipping them.  So, yep, it was time for some new ones.  I have not measured myself in a long time.  I may do that next Monday if I can remember.

I will be job hunting soon.  I printed off some applications and will be filling those out and turning them in as soon as I get all my information together.  I’m already nervous about looking for a job.  I hate the formality of interviews.  Makes me so nervous.  The university is hosting a teacher recruitment day on the 30th.  I plan on going to that.  There is supposed to be schools from all over North MS there.  DH really wants to get back to Northwest MS.  It doesn’t matter to me.  I just want to teach. Ha!

…since I’ve logged in.  24 very stressful days.  However, today is a new day!  I have been observed once during my 10-day lesson and I am expecting another observation this coming Thursday, but it won’t be nearly as stressful as the first one.  I am still adjusting to my daily weekly schedule.  This is a typical day:

5:15am - wake up & get shower

5:30-6am - baby wakes up somewhere between this time and I have to get her settled with her bottle while I finish getting ready.

6am - wake up son, and make sure he’s getting ready.

6:30am - leave to take kids to babysitter

6:45 - arrive at babysitter’s.  drop the kids off and give instructions for the day.

7:15-7:30am - arrive at elem. school to start the day.

7:30am-3:30pm - student teaching

4pm - pick up kids from babysitter

4:30-4:45  - make it home and start supper

5:30 - feed baby, fix everyone’s plate but my own

6pm - finally sit down to eat

6:30pm - bath time for baby

7pm - bed time for baby

7:30-8pm - bath time for son

8:30-9pm - bed time for son, and then bed time for me if I don’t have any laundry, school work, dishes, etc. to do.

I’m exhausted just typing all that up.  I asked my CI how she balanced being a teacher and a wife and mom and she said it’s hard at times, but it can be done and eventually your kids grow up and can take care of themselves.  She also said to not worry about the things that you cannot control.  There are just some things that you absolutely cannot do anything about…let those things go, and it helps you keep your sanity.

Now, I just have to figure out how to get a balanced diet in every day.  We only have about 15-20 minutes to eat lunch and then one break during the day during planning for a snack, unless we can sneak something in during the kids’ snack time.  I know I could successfully count calories, but when I get out of school, I’m just ready to eat, eat, eat.