Gettin’ Fine in 2009

Well, here it is, the 6th day of January.  That means 6 opportunities(-ish) to have been to the gym to start gettin’ fine, and how many have I been there so far?  Zero.  I made it out for a 10 minute walk today, but that’s all I’ve been able to muster so far. 

It really hit home for me today how much the stress of my job weighs me down.  It makes it hard for me to get up in the morning, then it sucks energy out of me all day.  I’m too busy during the day to break away, usually, and by the end of the day it’s a real struggle to motivate myself to do anything other than get home to the couch and some terrible reality TV.  

I was happy today, though, that my urge when I was really feeling drained was to get out into the fresh air (even if it is in the 20’s out) for a walk, instead of heading to the vending machines. 

So I’m not giving up–don’t worry.  No way.  This is just a little stumble out of the starting blocks.

I’m just admitting that it was a lot easier to TALK about becoming a workout fiend than it has been to actually DO it so far.

One encouraging thing did happen today–my trainer Krystine emailed that I have 5 or 6 sessions left with her!  I skipped them in December, thinking that being a no-show would case me to forfeit them; but luckily, she said she’s not going to let me quit.  So I have that to help me get jumpstarted. 

My PC at work was attacked by viruses over New Year’s, meaning I had to start rebuilding it from scratch.  This is a huge pain in the butt; I’ve already spent 2 full days on it, and I have lots more stuff to install and configure.  I’m hoping that once THAT’s done, I’ll at least be able to leave the office a little earlier (and my stress level will go down enough) so that there will be time to go to the gym after work and still not have to fall immediately into bed once I get home.

Well, this wasn’t a very interesting entry — it’s late, and I’m probably rambling — and last night I got home too late to write anything at all.  But at least I’ve gotten a couple of thoughts down so I’ll remember how I was feeling when I look back a little later.  That’s the point of this for me.

I was just out walking around in the grocery store when it occurred to me there are so many parts of me that hurt now that didn’t just 25 lbs ago.

My foot — I have myself a stress fracture WALKING for exercise a couple of summers ago.  When I had the 25 lbs off this past summer, the foot didn’t bother me at all.

My back — my lower back aches constantly now, probably from having to support my gut.  Sheesh. 

My knees — this is the biggest one.  My knees “click”, loudly, whenever I get up from a chair.  They always seem to lock up tight, sort of freeze into position, whenever I’m sitting in one position for more than a minute.  This completely went away when I lost the 25 lbs.

“They” say that losing just 10% of your body weight makes a huge difference in the way you feel.  I’m living proof. 

Can’t wait to get back to that place!

Whew — first day of eating like a normal person is over.  I did it!!  It wasn’t as hard as I feared, probably because I kept so busy all day.

I finally got my room rearranged, to give myself a new environment for my fresh start.  Having that done feels like a huge weight is off my shoulders.  I can now find all my clothes (ie, the Ones I Can Breathe In Now, the Ones That Might Fit In a Month, the Ones I Wear To Work Out, etc).  A bunch of “Don’t Kid Yourself” clothes were moved to the basement, as I’m not anywhere near ready to wear ‘em.  (Does anyone else try to keep all the clothes from every size they’ve been in the last 10 years in their closet/dresser/room and finally get overwhelmed by them all?  That’s where I was.  It made it even harder to get up in the morning, knowing I’d have to paw through them all looking for something to wear, then realizing I have all these stupid clothes and STILL nothing to wear because nothing fits.)

Hey–I just realized that I’ve used the word ’stupid’ in 3 of my last 4 posts!  I wonder what that means about my internal self-talk.  Probably a subject for another post, another day.

I didn’t make it to the gym after all; life kinda got in the way.  But I still got lots of physical activity in, moving beds/chairs/boxes, bending over, lifing stuff, trekking up and down the basement stairs, etc.  Plus I took a little time to string popcorn and cranberries and hang them on a tree “for the birdies” with my 3.5-yr-old nephew, Jayden.  Time spent with him is as beneficial to my  heart as any trip to the gym.  :-) 

Just for the record, here’s what I had to eat for the day:  a small ham sandwich (with still-leftover Christmas ham); some birdie popcorn; ONE (I emphasize that because it’s a big victory) mug of homemade pea soup; and about 15 fresh cherries.  I’m going to do just “normal person” eating, rather than trying any particular diet.  For me, exercising helps the food take care of itself, so I’m focusing on getting into that groove first.

I’m off to the grocery store to get some salad stuff for my lunches this week.  A hearty green salad with red peppers, almonds, grapes, and black beans, and maybe a little sliced string cheese, makes me feel like I had something yummy and keeps me full all afternoon.

Ha!  My sister sent me a photo today that I’d emailed her a couple of years ago.  My husband wanted to capture the sight of our 4 small dogs (yup, there are really 4 there–look again) huddled around my feet one day during a thunderstorm, as I stood at our kitchen counter.

What an eye-opener; why, my legs are even lovelier from the back than they are from the front!  I’m sure the hosiery companies will be knocking down my door once they take a gander at this:

I feel sick.  I’m done fooling around.  I think I’ve finally eaten myself silly (”eaten myself stupid” might be more appropriate).

I took measurements last night.  Remember when the ideal woman’s figure in the old days was said to be 36-24-36?  Uh huh … well, I’m EXTRA ideal–more like 47-41-51.  And my thighs are 8 inches bigger than my WAIST was when I graduated from high school!  Wow.  Hard to imagine I was ever that tiny.

I had myself convinced that it was never going to be possible to make my thighs look good no matter how much I worked out, until I saw Sandrelle’s Before & After photos. Wow, huh? What an awesome job she’s done.

I’m glad she posted all those. One never knows who’ll be inspired by something we put out there, embarrassing as it might seem.

So tomorrow’s The Big Day–I’m going back to the gym. On a Saturday, no less. Now that the fooling around is over and the real work is staring me in the face, it’s a bit scary. I’m not sure why … I’ve done it before and know I can do it, even better this time … but still, it’s scary.

Before I talk about what I ate today, let’s talk about bad habits.

Over the last couple of months, I developed a blatantly stupid one.  In fact, I’m going to have to rearrange the furniture in my bedroom this week to give myself a new perspective, literally, in order to stop doing it.

I’ve been heading to bed at night with food.  I bring something yummy into the bedroom with me, put it on the bedside table, flip on the TV, and start munching.  It can be crackers, cookies, chocolate, bread, pop tarts–doesn’t matter.  Reach over, grab a bite, eat it like a zombie, and as soon as it’s gone, reach for another bite.  I’VE ACTUALLY EATEN WHILE LYING DOWN IN BED.  WHAT AM I THINKING?!?  Visions of Mama Cass (you know that urban legend, right?  She supposedly choked on a sandwich in bed?) have actually passed through my mind mid-swallow. 

It’s a far cry from the days when I’d come home from the gym, have a bowl of steamed broccoli and maybe some black beans, and hit the sack feeling all smugly healthy.

So one of my tasks this New Year’s Day, while I have the day off from work, is to rearrange my bedroom furniture.  Food — banned!!  (TV should be banned, too, but I’m not quite there yet.)

Do any of you have anything equally horrendous to report?  

Oh, yeah, almost forgot — today’s menu.  Let’s see:  Breakfast was Mickey D’s bacon, egg & cheese biscuit and hash browns (at least I only got one this time), with the usual diet Coke.  Diet Coke is to me what coffee is to most people in the morning.

I passed up a lunch invitation from co-workers, telling them I’d ordered the “Can My Butt Look Any Bigger Meal” for breakfast and was still full.  Then about 4:15, I foraged in the fridge for a bag of almonds I’d squirreled away this summer when I was eating salads every day for lunch, and got a Snickers bar from the vending machine. 

On the way home, I stopped at the grocery store.  My folks are still feeling under the weather, so I got the stuff to make them some “salads” (we call them that, but really they’re junk food — stuff like ambrosia, with the sour cream, coconut, and mandarin oranges, and another concoction we call ‘pink salad’, which has cottage cheese, jello, walnuts, cherries, pineapple, and Cool Whip).  I made a batch of each and brought half to my folks and kept half.  I already had a piece of steak, some rice pilaf, and some corn, that my husband whipped up for supper while I was visiting the folks.  Now I’m going to go sample some of the “salads”.  Might as well not let all that work go to waste …

You won’t believe it.  Here’s today’s menu:

Breakfast - an entire sleeve of Kedem vanilla cookies.  You know Kedem cookies–the ones Weight Watchers helped me discover, because you can have a whole bunch for just a few points?  Those.

Lunch - A QuarterPounder withOUT cheese, thank you very much (cheese is fattening, you know), and a small order of fries.  I brought my own diet Coke from home, so I don’t need the entire meal. 

Dinner - An entire DOZEN of the same snowflake rolls I had the other night, with another tub of baba ghannoush, because it was so good the other night.  I ate them all right in front of my husband, sitting in our living room watching TV.  I think he may have given up caring how much I eat, because he’s heard so often how I’m “gonna start again soon”.  He did ask why I was drinking a regular Sunkist orange soda, because he knows I’m good about always drinking diet soda.  (I don’t usually like full-sugar soda, but tonight I was in the checkout line that had only regular sodas in the cooler.  I went with one of them so as not to annoy the guy behind me in line any further–I’d already “excuse me”‘d him twice, once to grab another magazine with the latest fabulous diet on the cover, and once to try to zip into the line before he got there when a new register opened.)

My spare tire feels overinflated.  I’m having to wear my Size 2XL black velvet  pants to work right now because I have no others I can breathe in for more than 5 minutes.  I gave away everything I had in larger than a Size 18 in a fit of optimism this summer when I was down into the 180’s and sure I’d never let myself go again and need them.  Thank God I didn’t give away the velvet, too, and thank God the temps are back down in the 20’s and it’s still “the holidays” so I don’t look like QUITE as much of an idiot wearing them right now.  They have an elastic waist, too–no buttons or snaps or zipper pulls to dig into my gut all day.  Hallelujah.

I read another inspirational story about Michelle Aguilar, the Biggest Loser, today.  Her Before and After pics are breathtaking.  I took a picture in the same type of outfit — the black sports bra and black shorts, with all the fat rolls hanging out in the middle — a couple of weeks ago.  I’ll post it here soon.  That’ll give you something to look forward to.  :-) 

There was a quote from Jillian Michaels in the article saying that “using the Loser system at home is not realistic”.  I guess I knew that; those people work out literally like crazy, eight hours a day.  But Jillian says “all I ask is for people to exercise 5 hours a week, maintain a healthy diet, and use common sense.”

Sounds good to me.

Thanks to those of you who’ve left comments!  It’s always fun to find out that someone else is reading your blog, isn’t it?  Yes, I have gained back every ounce of the 25 lbs I lost earlier this year.  Sad that I have to start all over again, but at least now I know it’s possible — I CAN do it.

I’m still in full-on eating mode.  Breakfast once again was pumpkin pie — blech — it was all dried out from sitting in the fridge for 3 days, but I managed to get it down anyway.  Lunch was a Big & Tasty at McDonalds — the meal, not just the sandwich.  With a DIET Coke, of course.  And 2 apple pies for dessert, because they’re 2 for $1 so you HAVE to get both. 

Then I went to visit one of my sisters, who’s an excellent cook, and asked while I was there “do you have any good homemade stuff to eat?”  Of course, she did.  But instead of that, I chose a pile of Whoppers malted milk balls.

You’d think I’d be pretty nauseous by now, but after I left her house, I stopped at Domino’s to pick up cheese bread and cinnastix for my mother (who’s even more overweight than I, and didn’t need that) and a pizza for my husband.  Of course, while I was there I figured I might as well have a box of cinnastix myself — so I did.

Now I’m home, reading here and wondering whether I’ll explode before New Year’s.  That’s how long I currently plan to keep this up.  It’s sort of “intentional insanity”.  Like one of my sisters said today, “by the time New Years rolls around, I’ll be so sick of junk that I’ll actually welcome a crisp green or two.”  That’s right!!  I’m indulging every craving I can think of right now to get it out of my system (sort of a month-long “last supper”, I suppose — even though I know from experience that last suppers don’t really do much other than fatten you up even more before you “start”).

But that’s alright.  Like I said, I’m still getting ready.  I’ll grab the bull by the horns exactly when I’ve planned. 

Today I had a piece of pumpkin pie left over from Christmas — for breakfast!  Then I sat around for awhile and read a magazine, then I went to my parents’ to see if they needed any help.  They’ve both been sick this week; they’re 75 and 78 and live alone on their farm, so my siblings and I worry about them.

I made the folks scrambled eggs and leftover Christmas ham for dinner, and a banana cream pie.  Then on my way home, I stopped at the store and got myself a pint of Pistachio Pistachio Ben & Jerry’s, to eat after supper, AND a slice of carrot cake, which I ate in the car.  Supper for me was 10(!) dinner rolls and an entire tub of baba ghannoush. 

Yikes.  Will I ever feel full enough?

And that was Day #2 of my week of “getting ready”.  Oh, wait – while I was at the store buying carrot cake and ice cream, I also picked up a copy of InTouch magazine, because the cover showed an article about Michelle, the winner of this season’s ‘The Biggest Loser’.  I read that while I ate my rolls.

Ironic, huh?

Well, it’s the end of another year.  Another fat year.  My 50th year!!  I was a little less fat for a few months earlier this year; I lost 25 pounds by exercising regularly, eating everything in moderation, and even hiring a personal trainer–everything we all know we should do to take care of ourselves.

But alas — for some reason, I decided (apparently) that it wasn’t worth it.  I guess I didn’t LIKE wearing pants 2 sizes smaller, or being able to lift myself out of a chair without using my hands, or having less pain in my knees.  So I tossed in the towel and went back to eating — and eating, and eating.  And not going to the gym. 

So here I am.

Resolving again to treat myself more kindly this year … take better care … be more conscious of what I’m doing to myself every day.

I have a week to clear my cupboards and more importantly, my mind.  I can do this; I know because I’ve done it before.  It doesn’t matter that I’m 50 now; one need not be a spring chicken in order to take good care of oneself.  It might be a bit more challenging, but so what? — I’ve taken on challenges before.  I love a challenge.

Oh, yeah — by the way, I weigh 215 lbs today.  That’s where I’m starting.  

Come with me.  Commiserate.  Comment.  Even compliment if you like.  Just come along.