Sneak Eating, Self-Sabotage, etc.
I just posted this in a forum on a website I belong to. It seemed I might as well post it here, too, to have a record of how [crappy] I’m feeling/doing today.
I feel extremely negative today. I can’t seem to get hold of myself.
My husband weighs 140 lbs; I weigh close to 220. Even though he rarely says anything about my weight, unless I ask him outright how he feels about something, I feel like my weight is causing distance between us. That feeling of guilt (which I realize is a completely useless, destructive emotion) makes me feel every day like there’s tremendous pressure on me to lose, in addition to all the normal stresses of life, such as a difficult job and elderly parents–and thus, I eat.
I just realized what a “sneak eater” I’ve become. Two nights ago, I got out of bed after my husband went to sleep and got the half-gallon of Rocky Road out of the freezer. I took it and a spoon INTO MY BED and finished it (it was about 2/3 gone, but still …), then threw the container away in my bedroom wastebasket.
Then today I got up thinking ok, today I will “start” again … and after my husband left for church, I made a box of those Jiffy Mix corn muffins and ate all 6 of them, heavily buttered. Worse, though, I made sure the egg shell was under all the other trash in the wastebasket, so he wouldn’t know I’d cooked, and I did all my dishes and swept up the crumbs to get rid of all the evidence!
I don’t understand this behavior on my own part. I’m not fooling anyone, especially myself. It’s not like my husband can’t see that I’m still fat. I guess I feel like eating this stuff in front of him is like a slap in his face, so maybe that’s why I hide. (Oh — and one morning this week I was in Dunkin Donuts ordering TWO muffins and TWO donuts, just for breakfast, and who walked up behind me? — my husband!! He was there to get coffee. Thank God my order had already been bagged so he didn’t see how much I got. He’s so kind/trusting that he didn’t even ask, or mention it, or make any comment about me being there — he just reminded me not to leave my purse on the seat in the car where people can see it.
I’m not sure what my point is. I just feel SO hopeless and so afraid that I won’t be able to find it within myself to “start” again. I’ve started over SO many times… I always make great progress for about two weeks, and then it becomes just too hard, and I abandon my efforts.
I’m sure there are many people out there who feel the exact same way.
If you’re someone who “started” many times before you actually made it all the way to where you wanted to be, can you tell me what your turning point was? How did you FINALLY get yourself to be consistent long enough to reach your goals? What changed the last time around?
August 24th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
I can totally relate about the food sneaking. I don’t think much about binging until the hubby’s out running errands or gone fishing. Maybe not a turning point, but I faced my fear and told him what I’d been up to. Of course he didn’t care, but I felt hideous and BAD. The secrecy part, for me anyway, was what made me feel distant from my husband– not him. I still have the urge to binge when he’s not around, but I let myself do it and set limits (bake 3 cookies not 2 dozen, etc). Also I feel more in control as my weight loss progresses.
Hang in there! Trust yourself, you can do it… you’re here blogging, a sign that THIS TIME is different. And, don’t beat yourself up so much… the thought of someone taking a spoonful of rocky road to bed with them totally made me giggle! We’re all human, right?