Not Too Fine Yet
Joaney’s recent comment reminded me that I haven’t blogged much lately, so here I am, even though I have nothing great to report.
I did start out all gung-ho at the new gym 3 weeks ago. I did four good hard (HARD!) workouts, then this past week, which would have been my 5th and 6th workouts — I canceled both of them. I just didn’t have it in me. My knees have been hurting this past week, and I felt so tired … I think it is a combination of stress and not eating right and the feelings guilt associated with that.
Last Saturday was my sister’s 50th birthday, and we had a party for her. I ate too much that day and that was the start of another whole unhealthy week. You know — potato salad, macaroni salad, chips, cake, M&M’s … sigh. I ate it all, then asked myself why.
Then during the week I found out that my mom, with whom I am extremely close, has a spot on her kidney that could be cancer. And my job changed, from a nice comfy programming job where I could just sit alone in my cube all day and get stuff done, to project-managing all my company’s legacy products while the rest of the team starts rewriting everything on a new platform. This means doing all the stuff I dread — going to meetings, making schedules, overseeing “offshore” developers’ work, answering customer complaints, etc. I actually almost panicked in the meeting when my manager gave me this news — my eyes started to well up. They seem to think I can do it, and I probably can, but I do NOT enjoy this type of work, so it’s all just additional stress.
One day this week, somebody said “angel hair”, and after that, that’s all I could think of. So off to the grocery store I went, to get a box of angel hair pasta and a nice bag of sweet dinner rolls to go with it. I made my pasta and had one normal plate. Then, I went back again — and again. Three plates, and not small ones, along with 6 of the rolls. ALL IN ONE NIGHT. No wonder I canceled my gym appointment the next day!! And the next night, I finished off the rest of the angel hair and the other 6 rolls.
It gets so old after awhile, telling you all this — people must get sick of reading it. It occurs to me that my eating patterns are the very definition of insanity, according to 12-step groups: “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. I get so angry with myself that I can’t be more disciplined, and then the cycle begins again. Will TODAY be the day I can get hold of myself? Or will the fridge/fast food joints win out again?
I weighed 213.5 this morning. At least that’s lower than the 219 where I started the month, but it barely feels like movement, since I’ve lost that same 5-6 pounds several hundred times. I have lots to do today, all physical labor (like scrubbing floors and stacking hay), and it’s going to be 90 degrees out, so maybe I’ll be too hot to eat. (Yeah, right — like that’s ever happened. It just makes me feel justified in eating ice cream.)
I’m sorry I’m not very inspirational. I guess the fact that I’m still here and still hopeful in spite of myself is something I should give myself a little credit for.
The year’s not over — we still have time to make progress toward gettin’ fine, right?
August 17th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Hey Gettin Fine!
I know I’ve said this several times but I feel like I’m reading my own journal when I read your blog. I have the same kinds of excuses for not eating right and exercising. It seems like my obsession with my weight has been going on forever. I’m always telling my husband that I’m going to start a diet on Monday. I do good for a few days and then something comes up and I blow it so decide to eat whatever and start again next Monday. I am getting so tired of always having to think about how to lose weight. I have the biggest library of diet books that you can imagine. I read one book and think “this is the diet that will work for me” and then I read another book and think the same thing and can’t make up my mind about what diet to follow. I think I just need to stop reading about diets and pick one and actually do it! I know that there’s no “magic diet” out there that will make it easy to lose weight. I need to think of this as a lifestyle change not a diet because as soon as you tell me I can’t have something, I obsess over that very thing. I hope we can both get our heads together and start moving forward. What diet plan are you hoping to follow?
August 20th, 2009 at 2:50 am
There’s still time in 2009!
Good luck!