Self-Loathing
I’ve been absolutely hating myself lately. I just hate that I can’t find the motivation inside myself to do what I need to do to get this weight off. When we know that so much in our lives would be better/easier/healthier if we could just take off some pounds, WHY IS IT SO HARD???
I know that hating myself is not helping. We’re supposed to love ourselves and care for ourselves as we would care for others. But I just don’t.
I proposed to one of my sisters a week or so ago that we “diet for each other” — in other words, I would eat what I knew would give the results I would want HER to experience, and she’d do the same for me. She didn’t really get it, I don’t think, and I don’t know if it was weird, but I totally thought it would work. I am just better at doing for others than I am for myself. Well, the hard things, anyway.
So I’ve been bingeing again this week, feeling desperate because summer is almost here and I still have barely any clothes I can fit into and breathe in, and everything I have to wear to work is hideously ugly, and I feel like my husband is losing faith in me because I’ve started and stopped yet again. It all just adds up to constant pressure — self-induced, but pressure nonetheless — and maybe self-induced pressure is the worst kind, because you can’t escape from it.
I watched Helen, the 48-yr-old, become The Biggest Loser on Tuesday night, while I sat and ate out of a half-gallon of maple walnut ice cream. One of my friends says that it seems dumb to her to watch a show about losing weight; she thinks it’d be like her watching a show about smoking (she quit smoking recently). I laughed when I heard that, thinking “Nah, it MOTIVATES me!” — but this week I was eating ice cream while watching, and a couple of weeks ago it was those 2 loaves of bread. Maybe she has a point after all.
I’m casting about for ways I can re-motivate for the new week that starts tomorrow (<–gee, there’s a common diet trap, right? Why not “start” right NOW?) Should I just stop thinking about losing weight completely for awhile? No, because I tried that last week and all I did was eat. Should I do something drastic, like start taking the Alli I bought? I don’t think that will do anything for me, because I don’t believe all fat (in food) is bad. Should I spend big dollars on starting with my personal trainer again? Spending big dollars on anything hasn’t seemed to inspire me much in the past … I’ve tried that plenty of times, too. Treadmills, personal trainers, gym memberships, every piece of home exercise equipment ever sold on an infomercial–I’ve pretty much tried it all.
So where do I go from here? My head knows that it’s not how many times we fall that counts–it’s how many times we get back up. But I’m just so weary of trying.
What I ‘ve come up with for this week is this: Before I eat ANY crap at all (Domino’s cheesy bread, bags of Dove chocolate squares, creemees, whatever–I will first drink an entire glass of either water or V8 juice. Then if I still want the crap, I can have it.
I’m also going to try to get out for some walks this week. What worries me about that, though, is that walking bores me silly. I haven’t mastered getting songs onto an MP3 player yet without a lot of hassle, so I just go with no music, and it’s just boring.
That tells me that this might not be my best approach to getting more physical activity in.
Maybe I’ll just worry about getting the food back under control for a bit first. Maybe I take on too much by trying to reform my eating habits AND my activity habits all at once (in addition to dealing with the stress of my job and all the other usual daily stuff).
If only it weren’t such a constant, seemingly overwhelming struggle.
May 18th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Please keep posting in your blog. My situation is so similar to yours - I feel like I could be reading my own story. I just turned 51 yesterday and weighed in at 217 pounds. I started low carbing last summer and lost 30 lbs but went crazy over Thanksgiving and Christmas and am now right back where I was at the beginning of last summer. I have the ultimate motivation to finally do something about my weight - my daughter is getting married in July 2010 and I do not want to be the fat, dowdy mother of the bride! I look forward to doing this journey with you.
May 18th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
First off, as long as you continue (what I believe to be) unconscious eating, you aren’t going to lose any (significant) weight. You have to stop and think about what you are eating, BEFORE you eat it. What is working for me is the question: am I hungry above the neck, or below it? If it’s above the neck, that means it’s mental/emotional and you need to find another way to fill that need, besides food. If your stomach is hungry, then you need to feed it food that is GOOD for you. NOT junk. Eating has to stop being a knee-jerk reaction to life. To boredom, to anger, to stress, to celebrate, to reward. If you can’t get to that spot, it’s going to be hard to get the weight off and keep it off. You have to stop being lazy about eating and what you eat and why and when you eat. Once you can achieve this, true loss can begin and be sustained. An excellent book is “The Solution” by Laurie Mellin. In any case, good luck, and don’t give up!!!
May 19th, 2009 at 12:00 am
Hi There. First I want to say don’t hate yourself. There are tons and tons of people that feel the same way you do and shouldn’t. The way our world is today is driving people to gain weight. The diet industry is full of quick fixes that not only don’t last after you stop taking them but they also damage your internal organs (I wrote a couple articles about it). So yeah if you can return that Alli you bought do it.
I think if you get down deep in to your reasons behind the way you eat you can find a way to work through the tough times when you normally want to binge. You seem as though you feel a bit out of control right now with your thoughts going in many ways.
There are ways to lose the weight without dieting. There are ways to keep some of your favorite foods in your weight loss plan so you don’t feel the need to “cheat”. Thinking eating something you want as “cheating” is the wrong way to think. When you think of it that way you automatically think of yourself as a failure and that is when people spin out of control. You don’t have to be on a strict “diet” to lose weight. You don’t have to work out like crazy to get the body you want.
You need support too. Support is very important. You also don’t need to pay an arm and a leg to get the help you need, again that is some of the diet industries way of making money. The diet industry has molded people to think and feel exactly the way you do (I have an article on this subject too). You can have a weight loss plan that still has things you enjoy and is flexible to meet your personal needs. Everyone is different so each person should have their own plan, I don’t think there is a one stop shop with it comes to weight loss.
I was overweight too. I took off 80 pounds and I have kept it off for over 2 years now. It took me about 10 months to do it but it was the best thing that ever happened to me and it has gotten me to where I am today in more ways than one.
Oh and for the exercise, do you like to dance? If you do try that for an hour a day. I find it to not only provide exercise but I am able to get everything out when I do it (Ha, I am a single mom who works from home so I get bogged down and it is a great outlet). Hard to explain but I feel great after an hour it is very uplifting. I hope this might have been some help. Susan
May 22nd, 2009 at 8:18 am
Hey, don’t hate yourself. I have realized that’s actually a reason to why I can’t stick to a diet, and maybe it’s the same for you. There is so much pressure everywhere that you NEED to lose weight, and how easy it is to do it. “Lose 5 pounds before your vacation!”, “This is the new ultra awesome diet that will help you lose that unwanted fat in no time!”, and almost every woman (and these days men, too) are stick thin. It’s like you don’t deserve to go on your vacation if you don’t lose those five pounds before you go. Yet more people than ever are overweight. I think one reason is because people are trying to reach society’s standards without taking into account their own WILL to lose weight or their own biology. I know I will never be stick thin, yet I have tried to be my entire life (but failed miserably), because wanting to be thin is such a natural wish these days. Like there’s something wrong with you if you DON’T want to lose weight.
So WHY do you want to lose weight? Being overweight does not make you a bad person. If you (and I mean YOU) want to lose weight anyway, do it at your pace and don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t go perfectly. Nothing ever does. And it’s just WEIGHT, it’s not your self-value or your character, it’s just WEIGHT.
May 26th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Thank you to everyone who’s been kind enough so far to leave a response! I appreciate your taking the time, and I’m giving all your suggestions some thought.
Joaney, do you have a blog? I don’t see that username on 3fc. We’re so in the same place, I’d love to talk.