Gettin’ Fine in 2009

I just re-read some of my earlier posts today, since it’s been 4 months since I started writing. I saw that at one time I’d said I had an idea for something that might motivate me more than just the scale. The title of this post says it all:

BURN THOSE BLEEPIN’ BIG BLACK PANTS!

I cannot WAIT for the day I can do that. It’s all I wear, ever — black pants. Corduroy, velvet, denim (stretch, of course), linen, or my personal most-hated type: “PDK” — polyester double knit. UGH. They’re so horrible. I can only imagine how my co-workers might describe me to a new employee — “She’s The Woman in The Black Pants.” That’s what my work wardrobe consists of. Black pants (because nobody can tell we’re fat when we wear black pants, right?) and an assortment of knit mock turtlenecks, all the exact same style but different colors, in winter, and an assortment of plain, solid-color tee shirts, all the exact same style but different colors, in summer. I never wear skirts, ever — look at the earlier post with the photo of my legs, where I said the hosiery industry was after me to be a model, and you’ll understand.

So pants it is.

Last weekend, just before my latest “gotta do something about myself” moment, I realized with horror while searching the piles of clothes in my room that I had not one thing that I could put on that Monday AND STILL BREATHE IN for the ~10 hours/day that I’m dressed for work. The Jaclyn Smith 2X, made-upside-down black velvet stretch pants (the nap of the fabric runs the wrong way, so you can’t smooth them down; you gotta smooth them up) from KMart that I’d been LIVING in since our office Christmas party last year (when I realized how very comfy size 2XL elastic-waist pants can be even after a nice buffet!) were practically threadbare from being worn nearly every day for 4 months, plus they’d gotten so short from all the washing that I had to take the hems out; I was actually wearing them with the raw edge at the bottom, hoping nobody would notice. Plus a co-worker with whom I regularly commiserate commented last week “you’re going to have to make those pants into velvet shorts soon”, since it was about 80 degrees that day!

The combination of those 2 things shocked me into a run to the mall for some pants I could breathe in, “style” be damned (which was a real switch, as you can tell I’d been a real slave to fashion up until this point).

And what did I end up with as a result of that trip? Two pairs of size 20W Alfred Dunner black polyester stretch pants with elastic waists — freakin’ ALFRED DUNNER!!! You know, that awful section in J.C. Penney where all the “Women’s” polyester tops with the giant flowers and tacky sequined appliques live.  THAT’s where I’m shopping now. (Although I must admit, I was relieved that they were at least “only” size 20W, since I’ve been up to a 24W at times in the past.)

So now I’m living for the day when I can make a huge bonfire; invite all my friends; toss on all the Big Black Pants; and watch ‘em BURN!!!

This entry was posted on Sunday, May 3rd, 2009 at 8:32 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.