January’s Over, and Where am I?
Well, so far, not so good. I still haven’t gotten to the gym — not even once. And now the entire month is gone. I actually drove BY my usual parking spot there twice this month, but both times it was incredibly packed. That gave me just the excuse I needed to keep right on driving.
It’s funny; I’m finding myself in the same state of mind I was in LAST year at this time, as my 50th birthday approached. I had vowed to start working out early in the year, so there’d be no pressure, and by the time I hit 50, I’d just happen to be FABulous. Then the days started ticking away. Just like last year, I keep recalculating how much weight I could lose by such-and-such-a-date if I start right NOW. (Did I mention I weighed 221.5 pounds this morning? That’s UP from where I started the year. My eating is still completely, utterly, and ridiculously out of control.)
Anyway, right now I figure there are 6 full months to my 51st birthday. That’s about 25 weeks — at 2 lbs a week (which is about what I tend to lose averaged over time when I’m making an effort), I can STILL be down 50 lbs by then, to about 170 — and that would be less than I weighed on my wedding day in 1997, so that’d be great. And then by Christmas I could lose another 20, which would put me at about 150, which would be AMAZING compared to what I am now. So I feel like it’s “still ok”; I’m not out of time yet.
Then I chastise myself for calculating dates and weights, weights and dates. What is the point? What’s with the focus on dates? I’m not supposed to be “dieting” anyway — I want to make permanent lifestyle changes — those don’t END. So I keep having to catch myself doing that “stinkin thinkin”.
I need to get down to the business of just making those small changes, and keeping on doing them, dates be damned.
God, I’m boring even myself. Usually when I sit down to write, it’s because have some stuff I think is interesting in mind to write about. But once I start, everything gets all jumbled together in my mind, and I go off on tangents.
I started this blog just to track my state of mind, how I was eating, and how I was exercising as I went through the process, which I assume will be long. But I forget that sometimes, too; I find myself trying to write for an audience instead of just for myself. Maybe that won’t work.
Maybe I’m feeling jumbled because it’s Friday night, after another lonnnnnnnnnnng week at work, and heaps more family stress. I’ve finally realized there’s a strong correlation between how stressed I feel and how much junk food I want to eat. I have an alcoholic brother, and I’ve seen recently realized how much we’re alike. He’s supposed to go into rehab tomorrow, so he’s been binge-drinking all week — just like I do my “last suppers”. When he’s stressed, he runs to booze; I run to carbs. We all comfort ourselves in our own ways. And the results of both hurt us, though maybe in different ways.
On a different note, I have a new idea for a goal I can shoot for, that might be more motivating than just “I have to get to the gym regularly”. I’ll write about that next time.
January 30th, 2009 at 9:23 pm
Hey there! Wow, I get it! Stress, job, life, ugh..anyways, wondering if maybe working out at home may help you since the gym is not? a few tricks I use are a pedometer, deniste austin’s 15 mins and 12 mins. and Gillian Michael’s 20 min shred…they seem to work for me, when I don’t feel like dragging myself to the gym. Perhaps there is one thing you can work towards this week? exercise for 10 mins a day? Increase water? or Increase Fruits and Veges? You can do it!