So. Let’s start by saying that’s it’s been a very long 6 or 7 months since I last wrote. To be honest, I miss blogging a lot. It kept me on track with everything that I was doing and wanted to do. My weight is not pretty; it’s pretty out of control atm. Every day, I wake up and tell myself I’m going to start working out again and every night I go to bed kicking myself for being a lazy piece of crap. >.>
About a month and a half ago, we finally got a confirmation of diagnosis for DH’s degenerative neurological disorder. Money has been tight since I had to stop working to stay home with him. We should be in the WTU within the next few weeks - finally - though, at which point we can finally apply for a program to help elevate the financial burden of me being unable to work. DH is also in the med board process now, too. The sooner it is all said and done, the better.
In the meantime, I’m downloading some JM workouts. This time tomorrow, I’d better be sitting down saying that I finally got off my lazy ass… hopefully.
So. A new one for me, in more ways than one. I’ve never made a meatloaf before. I’ve never been a particularly big fan of meatloaf. But my husband loves it, so when I was looking for recipes, the first thing I looked for was a meatloaf recipe. And lo and behold, the clouds parted and a great white light shone down upon one made for the Crock-Pot.
3/4 C milk
2 tsp minced onion
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp rubbed sage
1/2 C sliced mushrooms
1/4 C ketchup
2 tsp brown sugar
1/2 tsp Worcestershire sauce
1 tsp ground mustard.
Combine eggs, milk, onions, salt, sage, and mushrooms in a large bowl. Crumble ground beef over mixture and stir well to combine. Shape into a round loaf. Cover and cook on low 5-6 hours. When done, whisk ketchup, brown sugar, mustard, and Worcestershire sauce. Pour over loaf and cook additional 15 minutes.
I used chopped onions and ground sage rather than minced and rubbed. Also, I was about empty with the gallon of milk I pulled out, so I just finished it off. Came out a little closer to a whole cup than 3/4, but no big deal. Used a whole cup of mushrooms instead of a 1/2 cup. About half way through cooking, I dumped the loaf into a strainer to drain any grease the hamburger might have produced and then put it back in the crock-pot to finish cooking. As for the sauce, I wanted to be sure my husband would eat it, so I tweaked it slightly. More brown sugar and Worcestershire sauce, but I’m not exactly sure how much.
My husband, who was wary when I was describing the recipe - he’s picky about his meatloaf, had two servings and claimed the leftovers for lunch. I loved it and as someone who doesn’t like meatloaf, that’s saying something. I asked him to rate it a 1 to 7, based on how many times a week he’d be interested in eating it. His answer was six.
Final Verdict: Success.
Meal Rating: 6 out of 7 nights.
So, before anyone ask. My weight’s at its highest yet. My depression could be a little better - life’s kinda stressful right now - but it’s been much much worse so I’m counting myself lucky.
Working out? Practically nonexistent. I’ve been meaning to get back into it, but that’s just not happened yet. We recently moved that that’s been kicking my ass, but not in a good enough work out kind of way. More emotional and mentally from the stress. And, as well all know, stress is not good for weight loss. Sigh. Tomorrow, once the husband leaves for work, I think I’ll take that huge step of wading back into work outs.
Eating? Yeah. Mostly fast food and take out. Bad. Very, very bad. Both on the budget and the waistline. But that’s going to change. Friday, I drug my hubby to the grocery store with a list of ingredients needed for 5 crock-pot meals. All of which have a large enough number of servings to provide leftovers. I’m on day #3 of my meal plan. All the recipes are things I’ve never tried before which is both very exciting and a little nerve-wrecking while waiting for results.
Why the crock-pot? Because it’s November and that means National Novel Writing Month. I haven’t missed a year since 2006 and I don’t plan on starting now. So I decided to come up with meal plans that would work with my writing schedule. What’s better than 15 min of prep for a delicious meal - that could normally take hours of my time to make - at the end?
Today, I tried something that was new for me on so many different levels… Crock-pot Roasted Chicken. I’ve never made a whole chicken before. Ever. So I got to experience the joy of trying to figure out how to get the bag of innards out of the inside. Note to self, turn the chicken butt up. So much easier than trying to pull it out the neck. Also, next time, do something with the bag of innards before one of the cat steal it out of the sink.
Anyway, look for reviews of my experiments to follow. ^^
Ended up forgoing both 30DS today and a walk with the dogs. Boohiss on myself. To be fair, I did a couple of push-ups to test how my arms were feeling and after three days, they were shaky at best. A day off will do them some good, I think. Additionally, as nice as the weather was, it’s been overcast all day and I’m not going to lie, I’m a chicken and had no desire to risk getting rained on for half of a hike.
Also, in shiny news, I was just informed that there is some mandatory class for work that I’m supposed to attend in the next week but nobody’s scheduling me the time to go to this goddamn class. So either I come in on one of my days off to take it when I’ve been scheduled to work six days in a row two weeks in a row now OR I come in on a day I’m scheduled to work and get overtime for it and then get bitched at for it. How shiny awesome is my job?
Just a quick update as my day has BARELY started, but I wanted to share that I’m down 2 lbs! Woohoo!
Will be back sometime later with news of my workout endeavors for the day.
Got in another session of 30 Day Shred. That’s 3 down, 27 to go. Eep. Kind of a daunting prospect. But I’m still just glad that I got it in to begin with. Even if I am all sweaty and sticky now.
Formalities aside, I really appreciate all the comments and advice. To my post the other day. I know I haven’t been talking about the problems in my marriage the last couple of days and I’m not in denial about them or anything. I’m just trying to figure things out myself and trying to find a way to save the marriage when, in a lot of ways, I feel like Philip just wants to take the easy road and walk away from everything. It’s frustrating when you feel like you’re the only one invested in something, even when you know that it’s not always the case. The fact is that, all things being equal, I want to shake my DH right now and tell him to grow up and be the man that I know he is. But I don’t know how much good tough love would do him right now.
The fact is that with the actuality of being non-deployable indefinitely - or until his heart gets fixed which is unlikely to happen since no one can figure out what’s wrong - and the very real possibility of being pushed out with a medical retirement within the next two years and everything else that is weighing on him, I think that for the first time in a very long time, my husband is actually scared. And I think that, in and of itself, terrifies him.
I think that no matter how he feels about me or our relationship that a lot of the root comes down to him being in a place where he has so little control over everything and he wants so desperately for everything to be perfect and ideal again and it’s just not that simple. Life rarely ever is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Going at it again. Anyway, I’m both very proud of myself and completely exhausted. Eheh. Did day 2 of 30DS today. I also decided to give Burn Fat, Boost Metabolism a try. Yeah… about that… Managed to make it through about the first 30-35 minutes before I about collapsed. That’s a pretty kick ass workout. I’m thinking I might try it again, but I don’t know exactly when. Maybe attempt it once a week and see how things go for a while. Because it demands A LOT physically from you. Boo. I was really hoping to make it all the way through. Anyway.
Taking things a day at a time and keeping my fingers crossed that everything works out in the end, you know. Crunched some numbers last night and was surprised at the prospect that if I average a loss of 2.5 lbs or so a week, I could be at 199 before the year is out. Talk about motivation. Not expecting it to happen, but it’d be really nice if I managed it. And as long as I average 1.25 lbs lost a week, I’ll be at the weight I was when A) I got married and B) a year and a half later when my husband came home from his first deployment. And that’s very, very exciting for me. Because 1.25 lbs a week? Yeah, totally doable. Hell, if the numbers on my tracker are even remotely accurate and I keep this up, I can easily be at 199 by my birthday. In FACT, to be at 199 by my birthday, I only have to manage an average loss of 1.7 lbs per week. Doable? Damn right it’s doable!
First, I want to say thank you to 3FC for this blog. I’d forgotten how liberating it is to have a place to come and just pour everything out. I know that just spilling out my emotions like I did yesterday doesn’t in and of itself fix anything, but it does, all by itself, take a load off of my shoulders. Philip has been right when he says that I need a support system, so where to go and talk about my feelings. One thing he might not understand though, is that coming to this blog and talking about things, even if no one ever comes by to respond to them, does actually help me. The great thing is, in addition to allowing me to get things out, putting it on a blog, especially one that is part of a great supportive network like 3FC, means that there is always the potential for someone to stop by and give me great advice.
Additionally, I have to add with great pride that I finally got off of my ass and did Jillian’s 30-Day Shred today. Ack. The pressure. No, but seriously, the last time I really hard-core committed to this and the last time I remember feeling really great about myself - and, not coincidentally, the best year of my marriage thus far - I was doing 30DS at least 4 or 5 days a week. And loving it. And hating it. And loving it. I’m pretty sure any of you out there who’ve done many of Jillian’s videos know exactly what I mean. I love them, I love the results, I love her kick-ass attitude, I love the high I get after doing them. But while I’m doing them… Especially in the middle, it can be a bit grueling if you’re really going at it with everything you’ve got. You’re body starts shaking and the voice in the back of your mind starts trying to convince you that you can’t really finish, that it’s too hard. But just push on through, right? It’s all worth it.
So anyway, yes. Got in my 30DS today. Very happy about that. Got 19 days left until my brother’s wedding. I’m not holding my breath for anything. But I due have a few goals. Do 30DS at least 4 days a week, preferably 5+. Continue hiking with the dogs at least 4, again preferably 5+ days a week. That one I should really get myself up to doing everyday. It’s not a lot to do, really. It’s mostly cardio with some strength in the leg area from all the climbing, but it’s not out of my reach to accomplish. And, it’s not something that I feel embarrassed about doing in front of people. It’s just walking, after all. So for the most part, there’s really no excuse for me NOT to be doing it every day. It’s like maybe 25 minutes. If I get up and out the door by 8am-830am, I’m back by 9am at the latest and it’s a great way to start my day. I just need to keep at it.
Additionally, I need to continue to track my calories. The fact is, whether I like it or not, I always see the best results when I’m religiously tracking everything that I’m eating. And, since finding a great app for doing so, I actually and kinda finding it, well, fun. The app I have even has a barcode scanner so, 90% of the food I’d eat, I don’t even have to key into the website. Just take my phone, give it a scan, and BEEP! all that data is nice and neatly stored and accessible both from my phone and the internet. Woohoo!
… Alright, having wasted the last 15 minutes typing this, I’m going to take my leave now. I have to leave for work in about an hour and I still need to eat AND shower. Eheh.
So as it stands now, I’m trying to come to terms with the very real possibility that my marriage is very likely not salvageable. I’m also trying not to think about it. I’m trying to focus on the fact that Philip is and always will be my best friend and I’m trying to get to a point where I’ll be able to live a relatively happy and normal life if (and when) we end up going our separate ways while still being able to handle that relationship. The sad reality is that I don’t know if I can. FML. Needless to say, it’s all very complicated. I know a lot of the really big stressers for him in regards to our relationship and while I can fix and change somethings, simply by living they way I do when he’s not home - eating healthy, cooking, working out, find some sense of pride in myself… sometimes - there are other things that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fix and with everything else that he has to deal with, I don’t know if he can handle that.
I am an emotional person. A very emotional person. I once described myself as living in a constant raw emotional state. It leads to mood swings, among other things, and he has a hard time dealing with those. It’s been suggested that I might have something like bipolar and while I’m not ruling anything out, because I know that I’m not normal, part of me can’t help but think that the emotional hurricane that lives inside of me has less to do with a medical condition and a lot more to do with my less than ideal childhood. Despite what my sister used to think growing up, I harbor a lot of secrets about my past. And many of those secrets weigh very heavily on my psyche. There are things that I went through as a child that I’ve never told anyone, things that two years into my marriage I was just starting to consider telling my husband. A year later, they’ve come roaring to the surface again… In fact, while there have been times I managed to repress those memories for several months at a time, I think I’ve been thinking about them a lot more in the last year.
They came up again last night. I don’t even know why. I know that Philip and I were talking. About a lot of different things and the next thing I know, I’m right back to a blue and white house with Pepto-Bismall pink bedrooms. And then farther back, and then forward. And the next thing I know, I’m sitting on the floor in one of our bedroom closets just like I was kid again.
Yeah… I have issues.
I think it came from somehow from the feeling I get of being damaged goods. Philip, he’s so sweet, he always tells me I’m not. He keeps telling me that I’m going to be okay. That it’s all going to be okay. And that if (when) we do get a divorce, that I’ll find someone else who makes me happy. I’ve tried to tell him. I’ve tried to explain, but he doesn’t get it. I’ve told him that and he always asks me to explain it then. But I don’t know how. If we don’t fix this, I don’t intend to put myself back out there… he did say once when I said that that I’d end up putting myself out there without even realizing it. But that’s not the case. The fact is that I can’t handle it. I know how that sounds. I know how crazy that makes me seem. I get that. I know that I’m going to get suggestions to talk to a counselor. But I can’t. I can’t bring myself to talk to a stranger. I just can’t handle it. It took me probably the better part of a decade to find myself in a place to put my trust in someone again. More importantly, to put my trust in a man. The simple fact is that Philip is probably the only man that I’ve ever felt completely comfortable being alone around and at this point, no amount of therapy is going to fix that.
Last night, I told him that no matter how well he thinks he knows me, there is a lot about my past that I never told him. He asked me why and he asked me to tell him now. But I can’t. I told him why I don’t talk about it… I never told him those secrets because I can’t imagine how anyone could accept me if they knew. The fact is that I’m always hiding a part of myself away. There is a part of me that I don’t think anyone is ever going to get to see. And now. Now I can’t tell him. He worries about me enough as it is and I can’t tell him when we’re going through this mess. I should tell him… I want to and that’s saying something. I’ve never come so close to telling someone some of those secrets as I have with him. But I feel like if I opened up about it now he might think I was being melodramatic. Like my mother. Any time I’m emotional, she’s dismissive of it. Makes cracks about how I earned the title “Drama Queen” for a reason. Or her prods about how I’m brilliant but have no common sense. God. It’s just so frustrating. My life is a mess. I am a mess. And I’m scared. The one person I care about more than anything, the person that I would give my life for in a heartbeat, no questions asked, no matter the situation. The only person I have ever been so close to, been willing to tell all of my secrets to, the person only person I’ve ever found myself willing to trust completely is going through so much. He’s got so much stress weigh on him about everything and I’m a huge part of that stress and no matter how nice our time is when I can manage to be happy right now, I still feel him pulling away. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want everything to fall apart and our marriage to end. But I feel like I’m holding him back, like I’m more of a burden that he needs or can handle…
Goddamnit. None of this was my intention when I started this post. In fact, what I was meaning to share was a small discovery that I made today that actually made me happy… I’ve been walking this trail with the dogs and decided to sit down and measure it today using Google Maps. Happy discovery, it comes out to just over a mile. And considering it’s more of a hike that the old loop we used to make at the old house, I’m far more excited about this discovery. Eventually, I’d like to work up to running it. Or at least parts of it. Since some of the terrain is kinda rough. But we’ll see how all of that eventually pans out.
Things are complicated right now. A few months back, we acquired another puppy, Elsie (Ellasandra) a lab x hound mix. Early Tuesday morning, we lost Alex to a car. Tuesday was rough. Very, very rough. But, as bad as it might sound, I’m doing okay. I miss him something awful, and while I lost it when I first found out, I realized that I needed to redirect my energy. Be grateful that we didn’t lose Jedi, too. He managed to walk away with some sore muscles, tender paws and a few scrapes and bruises. My marriage is on the verge of a complete breakdown because between his physical state, the fact that he is undeployable until the highly unlikely day that his heart is permanently fixed and the fact that all the master planner’s plans are coming crashing down around him, he’s having a very hard time figuring out what he wants anymore. I put on some weight and more than that, I put on fat. Ugh. I’m so frustrated with my current job that I want to scream. The only thing that seems to be working for me right now is that the I’ve managed to talk DH out of just walking away and we’re trying to focus on our friendship right now. There is only so much that I can do to help him figure out what he wants and needs, after all. In the meantime, I’ve reverted to eating and exercise habits that I have during his deployments even though he’s home. Which is actually great for me. I do all the cooking, which I’ve always loved and I cook things that are healthy and I enjoy. So far, he’s liked everything that I’ve made and that’s great. So. Yeah.
The reality, I know, is that has always been one of my biggest problems with our marriage. That while he’s away, I manage to focus on myself, living a lifestyle I prefer both in regards to my exercise and eating habits. I manage to lose quite a bit of weight, put on some muscle but almost instantaneously, when he gets home I fall out of those habits. Because I’m embarrassed to exercise in front of people, because I’m afraid that he’ll dislike something I cook. Lots of reasons. I guess the thing is, right now, none of that matters. For all intents and purposes, we’re roommates and best friends, and that’s taken a lot of the pressure off of my insecurities. If we can fix this, then we’ll have much better habits firmly engrained and I’ll have done them while he’s here and not be worried about what he might think. And if we can’t, well then I won’t have wasted all the time struggling that I could have put into doing something that always helps in my physical, mental, emotional, and general well-being. I always feel better when I’m being healthy and active and, more importantly, I always feel better about myself.