The Cold Feeling of Responsibility

So, things were progressing along just fine and then SLAP! My surgery was scheduled for January 30th and I had to be out of ketosis. It was a breeze the first time and I got back on track right away after I had to switch the dates.¬†This time building on the ease of my last time I decided that I would start a little earlier since I wanted to be ready for my bloodwork two days before the surgery. This was partially true… I also wanted to eat more of what I wanted over the weekend.

I ordered a pizza and did well. I was actually surprised at how little I could eat of it before I was full and actually a little bit sick. I guess a prolonged time away from cheese and bread will do that to you. But that really opened a door that I had a pretty hard time shutting. It was like my brain had its bread switch turned back on and I wanted more.

I didn’t go into full tilt boogie crazy that first day but I noticed that I slowly started eating more… and wanting more.

By the time I had surgery I had everything I wanted but McDonald’s and Ben & Jerry’s because those things I’m afraid to turn back on in my brain. The plan was to return to ketosis the day after my surgery. You know about best laid plains, right?

So after my surgery I had a tough time in recovery. They had a problem with the camera and instead of one procedure I actually had three so it was much longer time under as well. When I finally came home that day I slept through the rest of Wednesday. Thursday was only slightly better and Friday - when I was supposed to be feeling better - I felt even worse. My doctor brought me in and physically I was fine but they sent me for lab work.

The next few days were touch and go with how I felt and what was happening to my physically. When I’m sick the last thing this big baby wants is to monitor food and eat out of silly foil packets! When I’m feeling crappy I have but one defense: FOOD. It keeps me from hurting humans and here I was crappy and defenseless! Things could have gotten very ugly here.

Instead of DEAL with how I was feeling and pushing through it I just ate through it. I’ll start tomorrow became my hallmark. Then I started thinking of how well I’m doing and how many people tell me everyday how I’ve inspired them to kickstart a program or believe that they can do it themselves and I feel even crappier because here I am sitting my inspiring behind in my bed mentally eating my way of a donut the size of a camel. Yes, that’s inspiring.

Then comes the feeling. That cold feeling of responsibility. Now I’m at the point where I always tend to fail because I don’t fear failure especially when it comes to food. I’ve been failing at this for a lifetime. If I gain it all back tomorrow then it’s business as usual around these parts. I’m sure someone in my family has a betting pool with Vegas style odds on the day I’ll crack and the month I’ll be heavier than when I started. They’ll talk for a while and I’ll hear it but then it will fade off and I can go stand in my rightful place in my family with the imaginary sign over my head that says THE FAT ONE.

But what if I actually complete this? Then what happens? I can’t possibly gain another pound!! That would make me in an even worse predicament than quitting now. Quitting before I finish is my MO but getting there, tasting success, and moving backward?? Potentially¬†unforgivable. Perhaps I should discuss then further when I’m dunking my McDonald’s fries in my Chubby Hubby Ice Cream? I can discuss the exact method of my failure. Nothing like uncomfortably plotting your own failure eating comfort food. What will be my place then? THE FAT ONE THAT WAS THE SKINNY ONE AND THREW IT ALL AWAY.

The amount of pressure to lose weight is tremendous but I fear the pressure of having to continue to do well even more. Feeling like your journey is somehow the gasoline fueling the car of another dieter lifestyle changer can be overwhelming.

Well in the middle of the “I’ll just have a little of that” portion of this blog my doctor calls. Turns out my horrible skin crawls, inability to stay awake, and chronic crappiness was due to my potassium level being very low. I started taking the supplements and I feel a million times better. I’m more in control of my decisions and feeling better helps motivate me to continue.

I hope that’s going to be enough gas to last the next few weeks. Somebody’s counting on it!

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