What an awesome day.

I got an apprenticeship to become a tattoo artist. :3

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Diet stuff: Calories seem to be on par so far. I did have a dark chocolate bar…first in months. But thats okay. Sodium? TERRIBLE. I’m looking at my log and it seems to go between 2000 and 4500 every other day. Like clockwork!

So, what do I need to do? Cut back on cheese ( ;3;), processed lunch meats, soy sauce and sukiyaki sauce. All have many sodiumz. Gonna go more mexican than asian as I can use more flavors without salt and sodium in them. To think I gave up table salt and all and STILL have such a problem! But even Sparkpeople says trying to go low on the sodium is super hard.  Thus, I need more spices. Need to check if Old Bay has salt in it or not…

Also,I bellydanced for half an hour. Only one day of working out missed this week!

Anyway, off to go be happy!

I still have to work out buuuut

GUESS WHAT. Omg, so. I was feelin’ down earlier, I was feelin’ mighty down (Sorry, channeling Miss Sofia from The Color Purple over here, lol) over some stupid, meaningless crap earlier as you might have seen…but it all just vanished. Like mist,

DO YOU KNOW WHY!?

Justin, my friend got in contact with someone who saw MY portfolio and is looking for a couple of apprentices for tattooing and made sure to give Justin his portfolio name so he could get in contact with ME. YES ME. I AM SO HAPPY. Even if it doesnt happen its such a freaking huge change from all the rejection I was getting from EVERY SINGLE TATTOO ARTIST IN LOUISVILLE GODDAMNED KENTUCKY and he seems interested in my stuff! And interested in teaching! Dear god, the Need-a-dick/To-be-white/Already-my-personal-friend/Or-at-least-hot Club is finally opening its arm to this “Super fat black chick” and it feels good.

Fuck anybody without a little faith in the fighters, dammit. I’m doin’ this thing.

Oh, and back to dieting. :V

Today? Pretty much perfect nutrition. 1407 calories, didnt get enough fat, 156 carbs, 27 grams fiber, 1800 for Sodium (booyakka) and my protein was right on the money.

This nefarious, hated fat ass is on top of the fucking world. SUCK IT FATE.

Beating myself up today

8 Dec 2010 In: Uncategorized

Kind of about the internet thing? Well, not fully. Its just that someone came to me with an “I heard” that involved the word “Super fat black chick”. A friend.

Come on, really?

I’ve got to psych myself into working out. I know it will make me feel a bit better. Its not bringing me down to the dumps as I can handle this, I know it. And keep on trucking. I think part of it has to do with the documentaries I watched last night about obesity and how thin people eat whatever the fuck they want and cant gain weight. And to go on, apparently there is a virus that can cause fatness and last of all…it went into proven science about how my body is fighting me to remain fat.

Its fucking evolutionary, and yet here I sit disrespected. There aint no justice in the world.

But oh fucking well. These people do not know me face to face. They do not know where I live. They know nothing about me, so fuck it. Keep on trucking, Les.

I am going to do this fucking thing. I am never, ever, ever going to cave in. I’m supposed to be a cast iron bitch, and its not easy.

OH WELL.

Time to chin up and get to it.

Whoa!

8 Dec 2010 In: Uncategorized

1640 calories! Lol, the things trying to eat differently do to you. I’m freaking out and still am managing to create a deficit. Still, off plan. Not cool. Got enough fiber today though, go me. Tad too many carbs.

Forgot to work out. 3:

Ah fuck it. Tomorrow is a new day.

Oh yeah!

7 Dec 2010 In: Uncategorized

Aside from the little shit trying again today to defame me (lol. And not a single fuck was given that day. Not by me or ANYONE ELSE for that matter. I win) I have decided to go on and raise my calorie limit to 1400-1500.

Staaarting today, basically. 1200 calories just makes it too hard not to snack and I think was sapping the every living crap out of my energy. I missed so many work outs and I snacked on bad things or tried making all of these mental excuses to just eat a little more. SO. 1450 is my buffer zone and here’s hoping it lends me some of its power.

Go me!

Ah ha ha….aaaaanh haaa haaanh

Alright, so. Remember that thing I brought up around the time of my first blog entry to do with the site and all the people I lied to? Well, had another episode of that tonight! Apparently some troll came in (someone really butthurt about my moderation time on the site) and made sure to put my ass on blast.

At first I was in disbelief. But some part of me didnt respond. The anxiety only happened for a moment and I was like “Hunh…well.” And I guessed without effort who exactly the person was. Before, I would have been suffering a great knot in my stomach and enraged. Now, I’m just like whatever. Its flattering. If I am so fat and ugly, why are they so obsessed with me? Hahaha. If I am so beastly, why can they not scrape my name off the sides of their cranium? Heh. In the end it actually kind of boosted my ego. Call me nefarious. But instead of having shame and embarrassment this time, I just weathered it. I even laughed. I’ve done so much for myself in these past few months that this shit was like bullets bouncing off diamond.

It was sort of amazing. I do still worry about Ryan finding out, though. I will come clean soon enough, I know I have to. I just need to be able to. I suppose I can’t deny there is something there for him and I am not quite sure what to do about it, but it  needs to be squelched. I stand alone, and that’s the way it’s going to be. I just hope not to lose him as a friend. However, if I do? I’ll only half understand…sure there was deception on my part. But if all it takes was appearances, then he was never a friend at all. I think this will be the true test of the bonds that hold people together.

In the end, I realized my mind played so many tricks on me. It made me think I had to look a certain way to be accepted. That that false feeling of pretending to be one of the pretty girls online was really worth it. It was as it brought me commissions, don’t get me WRONG…but it was a shameful act to do to myself. My mind had me formless and scattered all over the place and now I feel like all that makes up ME is starting to amalgamate into something truly beautiful. And I wont hide it anymore. I’ve spent my whole damned life hiding and the possibility of not having to do that anymore is more powerful than most drugs. And I would know. I’ve done them. >.>

One little piece at a time.

November check in

6 Dec 2010 In: Monthly Status Update

I’M NAKED

NEKKIT

Okay, not Hella naked but you get the point. I was in the bathroom and needed a photo on a lark before I forgot to write this thing.

-NOVEMBER REPORT-

Pounds lost: About 8.

Inches: No idea. Still no tape measure

Ups: Learned to cook some new things, didn’t rely so much on shirataki noodles.

Downs: Looots of slip ups. Not letting it keep me off plan for more than a day or hour or something, though. Resolved to work out every day now.

Changes noticed:I look a tiny bit less dumpy. I noticed this in the bathroom mirror at Tinseltown. I didnt hate looking at myself for once! Even from the side which is a big deal. It seemed to fade by the time I got home though. Eh, odd things. I can’t wait until the difference is very noticeable.

Any naysayers: Nope. Still going the distance.

Changes for December: Work out 5 days a week. NO EXCUSES. Lose 2.5% body fat. Raising calorie limit to 1400-1500 to stop any hunger or snacking. Trying for one month.

Also moving my goal for maintenance to February 2012. At this rate it makes sense.

Today I got off my butt and worked out. I think I regressed a little in my stamina (or I’m just being a bit depressive and I tried to fly a bit too high) but I managed to get in 34 minutes of activity. Only 7 for the Biggest Loser work out (Thats what happens when you wait a week! Shit kicks your ass again), 14 of belly dancing and I forced myself to get up and do the Sparkpeople 10 minute Kickboxing cardio video. Which was fun, but it seems like my body demands the right to phone it in.
What happened to my coordination? I used to dance, man. Even when I was fat in middle school (nowhere near as much as now) I was at the top of Mrs. Bannister’s class for ballet and tap and interpretive/jazz. I was raised a damned ballerina. My family is full of good dancers. Cherry on the cake? When I was in highschool and about 220-240 pounds my teacher was impressed with my yoga and aerobics and straight up asked if I’d taken a good deal of dance classes. I sheepishly answered “yes…” and she said “You really know how to move well!” and I was proud of that. I was better than the skinny girls who were flopping about like twigs in a wind storm.

So where did it go? I know I have stiffened from so much inactivity and my knees are shot from carrying all this weight. I feel like I’m gonna have to fight to get my posture and grace back even if I have to wear both under 160+ pounds of excess lard. And now that I am done moving and my body is buzzing pleasantly, why is it so hard to get up and DO THIS EVERY DAY? If feels good after to do so and there’s no shame. I don’t sit around and fret “D’oh, I didnt work out; I’m a failure”. In fact, I feel like I can do a whole lot of shit right now and ace it. Even if I only did a fraction of what the average gym rat meat head invests in.

Blegh! Damn you, mentality. Damn you sedentary habits. You’ve both got to go! I have a 5% body weight challenge to finish and I intend to do more than win, I intend to blast that shit with flying colors. Capisce? Hell, if I could manage it, I would lose 10% but that isn’t safe at all. >.>

Must keep in mind: “Nobody has ever felt bad about working out.”

This week’s weigh-in comes one day early! I got some kind of “NEED TO KNOW” bug after sifting through some articles.  Our suck-ass scale clocks me in at both 291.4 and 292.0., taken with nothing in my system as of yet but “puddi”. Yes, I weigh twice just to try and get a buffer zone on the blasting thing. So either I was terribly bloated the last time I weighed or the thanksgiving food I ate just weighed THAT MUCH in my guts. …And I know I did not eat anywhere near 5 pounds of crap.

Or, our scale sucks. Pfshah. I think this weekend I shall be ordering a new scale. Gotta look for suggestions on the most accurate one commercially available that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg. Come on internet, lets go searching. (bark bark)

But hey, in the end it means I’ve lost 1-2 pounds! Not bad, not bad. Soon I will be a solid 30lbs down. Which is awesome. I imagine this will happen in the next week or two. :3

November’s monthly status update coming tonight, most likely.

NOW TO GET OFF MY ASS AND WORK OUT. SHITFUCK

EDIT: Just now figured out why my allowed protein on SparkPeople was so low. It had me on the Pre-diabetes plan! Hunh! So, I took myself off. Any person who is my size is pretty much gonna be pre-diabetic, but one of my biggest factors in losing weight is going to be lower carb/more complex carbs and more protein. So I removed it and it said I am now allowed up to 143 grams of protein instead of 64! That makes more sense to me, and I’m going to try it out for a month. Fits my lifestyle better and I seem to be losing weight in this way, regardless. Now, I don’t know if I want to go upwards to nearly 150 grams of the stuff, but I think I will try to keep it at a solid 100-115. If I dont get enough protein, I get sluggish and I think this may be part of the reason for The Great Lethargy of November. And they say ya gotta find what works for YOU. Right?

If I gain/don’t lose/suddenly become Diabetic in December? I’ll go back on the Pre-Diabetic plan.

Now THATS NEW.

Seems that trying to get *more* carbs in my life got screwed up. Someone said “Always eat protein with a carb” and I tried it today. I didn’t do anything in large portions, I just didn’t do enough low-carb options. Lots  of vegetables and grain today too,so it just did me in. Oh well, I didnt go over much.

And could someone please hire a slave driver to run on over here and beat me into working out? I know I’ve been sick and only recovered today, but damn. I feel guilty as hell about it. I guess I will -try- to do something tomorrow. Well, not try…do. I am still excited about those new bellydancing videos, after all!

Also, SimplyGood chicken sausage is amaaaaazing. Just wonderful.

Deuces.

…all night long.


 

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