Kinda fucked it up. Ate too much and bad stuff. This is how stress gets to me. In order to relax and calm my emotions I go “I’m just gonna eat whatever I want, fuck it”. I dont over do it, but the meals are usually high carb and kick my ass. Fucking hate stress, ugh. I don’t know what I should do to not stress eat, but two out of three days in my new plan being messed up? Bleargh.

I feel like I need to read the Spark. Like its going to magically solve the problem, right? I did at least finally get the book though!

Get this: I know its getting to me and messing with my head when I am watching a documentary on eating disorders and wondering if I should co-opt some of these Ana/Mina techniques like drinking water while eating, cutting food into small bites, etc. Yeah, not good. There’s a scent of desperation wafting about my head and it smells like “well hey, what if I did that and just stopped at say..140lbs?” as I watch though I feel terrible for what’s going on with these women. I do not want an eating disorder.

Why? Because I already have one. I binge/emotional/stress eat already, I just dont purge. But we discussed this before how the eating disorders of the heavy are dismissed because we on the other side of the spectrum. Our eating disorder nickname is “Greta/Lisa” to the general public. For Greedy/Lazy. Short end of the stick, right?

I really need to do some research on this shit. I need other ways to ease my anxiety and stress but all of the information seems to be geared toward the Ana/Mina folk. All of the understanding is too.

But enough butthurt. What I wanna do is start a “Streak”. Maybe…5 days of perfect nutrition if I can manage it? Start small, work my way up. And outlets; I need outlets. lots of them. These art deadlines are killing me and no doubt fueling my bad eating habits. And I’m starting to do too much at once. I go from perfect, perfect, perfect to crashing and burning hard and fucking myself over. Also restarting my work-out streak since I missed it yesterday.

Got. To. Start. Small.

But where?