Because I was scared. I subconsciously lost my shit for a moment and ate like a beast in a sort of “FUCK THIS WEIGHT LOSS “thing. Why? I said it. I’m scared.
Here is why: http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2011/01/19/well-known-pickup-artist-allegedly-shoots-woman-in-the-face/#comment-346367
Here is my comment:
Definitely one of those shallow “Thank god I’m fat” moments as the PUA’s are hellbent on objectifying women according perfectly to what would make them feel like winners: “Scoring” women who fit the Iron Maiden perfectly. As in the beauty standard that Naomi Wolf mentioned in a book that most here know, I’m sure.
I know I am fat because its an armor against what happened to me as a child. And it is really, really very sad that IT WORKS SWIMMINGLY. Other than the occasional leer or compliment on my eye color while being brown (because you know ALL black people look the same and should not have anything but dark brown eyes.) I do not get bothered much. Yet here I am a journey to lose weight for my health…and now I’m scared.
When I am smaller I wont have my armor anymore. I’ll be targeted. This really, really, really scares the shit out of me.
But its not even about me, its about all women. Though I do not agree with the female who said “Men love violence and I do not speak to them unless absolutely required to” in so many words? I don’t blame her.
Keep in mind we live in a culture that views women as life support systems for vaginas with one thing wrong with them: having voices and sentience.
I gotta say. I don’t hate men, not by a long shot. But if I don’t know them and they speak to me, I suddenly forget english. Want my mind to change, dear males who think I am delusional or in the wrong? Bring us out of this rape culture where this is NOT the first woman to be shot in the face for either defending herself or rejecting a man’s advances…and then we’ll talk.
So I ate. I was scared and greedy and emotional and wanting to keep my armor. I almost lamented this journey to let this extra 150lbs go. Just scared. I think I dont want this response to happen again, but I know why I did it. Fear. Fear really is the mind killer.
But really, what am I going to do when smaller? How do most smaller women protect themselves from this rape culture? Why are so many of us women big because we were fucked with as little girls and couldnt stand the thought of unwarranted hot breathing on our necks any longer?
So many questions, me. And they need answers.
…all night long.