Magic 8

Right now I have about 3 hours before bedtime and I’ve already finished dinner, and while I’m not hungry it’s primary snacking time and I don’t wanna. So I’m going to write this blog post instead, since I haven’t posted in a week.

But first I’m going to have one day dream about the snack I wanna eat. I’m only at 1300 calories for the day, so I can fit it in if I really want it, but I’d kinda like to stay here too. It may sound weird, but my health-food loving roommate turned me onto it: waffle with jam and cottage cheese instead of butter. My cottage cheese expired yesterday so I only have a couple days to finish it before I really need to throw it out. I got this really yummy mixed berry jam that I want to try, too, and some vans blueberry waffles. Mmmm I’ll just keep daydreaming about it and get excited about eating it for breakfast, maybe with a yummy local organic chicken sausage link. Yeah, it will be better in the morning with that sausage link. I’m full.

Okay, so now that that’s over with (I feel like I just virtually ate that waffle, lol) on to some ruminations about this whole process. Things are going actually probably rather quickly if I think about it objectively, but it feels slow and I’m gradually trying to acclimate to that. Slow is good. Can I just say I love Kate Harding’s blog? That’s part of accepting slow, and being happy where I am at the moment, wherever that happens to be. I wonder if she’s written about What Not To Wear; I would love to hear her take on that show. I’m a little conflicted about the message, but I think it’s generally good.

Tomorrow I have my rescheduled Intelligent Fitness testing with Joey Armstrong. I’ve been a little reluctant since joining 3FC, actually, bc I’ve found pretty accurate alternative ways to calculate my BMR, and also part of my reason for wanting to go had to do with finding my “fat burning zone”, which may or may not be mythological according to 3FC anyway. But I think it will be worthwhile anyway, from a training perspective. I hope so, at least, because it aint cheap.

I really need to start building strength training into my routine. Right now the only strength training I get is what I get from weight-bearing activities like running. I just didn’t keep up with it by myself. I really wish my gym offered a later strength training class that I could actually make. I would love to do like a group “personal training” session. But for now, I think I’ve accomplished some pretty great things for me, gym-wise, so I’ll focus on that and maybe build from there…again, slowly.

So I think I’m at a mini-plateau at ~156. I tend to stall for a while and then lose 3-5lbs pretty quickly, then stall again. I definitely jumped from 161 to 156 within a week, which doesn’t seem healthy but I don’t think I was doing anything too drastic. I feel like my body is going to want to stay here for a while.

My bmi is still above “normal”, but bmi is kind of a crock anyway…it’s only useful up to a point. Could I be happy here at 156, and could I maintain it? Is this where my body is supposed to be? I’ve known that I just need to accept myself and start loving my body, no matter what weight. And this particular weight feels good. I’m still a c-cup here, which is awesome, and I feel fitter. I think this is about the threshold for me where I crossover from feeling like a normal girl to feeling like a fat girl.

But there I things I don’t like here. I still have a pretty big muffin top. I also feel like I’m in between a 10 and a 12, and I would like to be a solid ten. Also there are parts of me that would like to be size 8, 6, even 4 maybe. I’m just going to focus on eating nutritiously and being active, and see where that gets me.

So, I am going to take a good “after” pic of me when the opportunity presents itself and I’m feeling skinny…I’m not sure when that will be though, as my camera is broken, so I’m going to post a pic of me in Lake Placid last weekend here instead. I definitely look good (I think!) but a real after pic will have me in something more form-fitting so you can really tell.

So, there was this $225 Melly M dress in a boutique near me that I thought was really cute; I tried it on in a 12 back at the end of April, and it fit but it was a little snug and for that price it had to be perfect. I made a deal with the devil (aka my mother) and proposed that if I lost the requisite 5-10lbs, she buy it for me. She said maybe. (I don’t know why I do these things when I know that talking to my mother about my weight just makes me feel bad and provokes her…I guess I’m just dying for the validation.) So, I went back the other day and tried on the dress…it definitely fits However, I decided that I don’t like it $225 worth. I had my coworker take photos of me in it, to send to my mom, and my coworker and I both liked the dress in the store, but the pictures made me look so dumpy! I can’t send them to my mother. So i’m not going to get the dress. But, I tried on this adorable LBD in a 10, and it was sooo close to zipping over my boobs…and that was with a padded bra! Maybe that will be my next goal, except I think it’s even more expensive. it’s cool bc it has a really short underlayer (too short for my legs) but a sheer overlayer that is a little longer (mid-thigh) so it camoflages my problem inner thigh area. So cute! and sparkly Oh well. sigh.

Now that I’m actually taking my measurements regularly, maybe I will actually be able to buy something online for once and treat myself to a cute dress from bluefly

I don’t have too much to say today, but I haven’t updated in a couple of days so I thought I should. As I speak (type), there is a bag of Cape Cod chips sitting outside my office, and a box of Triscuits, and a tube of Pringles. Somehow, New Me has been able to resist, and it’s not really that hard. Like, I know it would taste good in theory if I started devouring chips, but I don’t have that urge (like I had the other night while eating pot roast) that usually makes me eat something without stopping. Not very long ago, it was not an odd occasion for me to go across the street at work and get a sausage-egg-cheese muffin or donut (!) for breakfast, but I’m not really tempted to right now. I think I go through these phases, and usually the bad habits come back, but this phase has lasted longer than it has in a while…I’m worried about how tenuous it is though, and if I actually do manage to reach goal weight, what will happen when I no longer have the seduction of getting on the scale and seeing a loss to keep me going in the right direction?

I can’t have a signature yet on 3fc, so I’m going to post some mini-goals here. I posted my exercise goals for June in that thread (as you can see by my last post, I’m not off to a great start) but these are my weightloss mini-goals:

155 by July 4 (bmi=26.0)
148- not overweight!- by Labor Day (bmi=24.9)
140-goal weight!- by Nov. 26 (bmi=23.5)

If I can make it to that first goal, I’ll be on track with 4lbs/mo weight-loss, which I used to think was discouragingly slow but now, having stalled for a while, I think would be great! I can wait till November to get there, if I hit my mini-goals, and as long as the pace is slow but relatively steady.

So I decided that I’m going to explore the possibility of training for a half marathon, which involves a 10mi walk/run this Sunday, and I meant to go on a run today to prep for it, but I had a horrible splitting headache and the fatigue that I’ve had for a while, so I didn’t go. Luckily I walked a couple miles at lunch, but it wasn’t what you could really call a workout. So tomorrow I MUST go for that run. Trevor is going to motivate me in the afternoon. I’m actually pretty decent about sticking to plan B even if I opt out of plan A, so I will I will I will…

Also, I discovered fitday today, and while skeptical, it actually shows you some pretty cool stuff. According to what I entered, I burned 2300 cals today and only consumed 1300, but I’m not sure I believe that…

I spin Mon/Tues/Wed (in a good week) and tonight I had spin class after skipping yesterday and eating a chimichanga instead.  Well, I had the other half of that chimichanga for lunch, and had mixed feelings about it (felt guilty but stubbornly insisted to myself that it was worth it bc it was so good and you can’t deny yourself).  That chimi turned out to be like superfuel…I just spun instensely for 70 minutes and I’m not even tired!  Anyway, off to do something healthy for dinner like a salad (back OP!) and then tend to my garden, for future salads.

Oh, and, for future reference: I just bought a soft tape measure today (had been using an aluminum one to measure my waist LOL) and for the record, measurements are 38/32.5/41.  Not sure what I want that first one to be (can’t it just stay 38?) but would like w/h to measure 29/38.

My boyfriend lives two hours away from me, so we usually only see each other on weekends.  It’s led to a pattern of dieting during the week and letting go on weekends.  Last night, I went to see him and we went out for Mexican.  I don’t know if I’m ready to give certain things up.  I had a really fun time at the restaurant, and I ate a really delicious fried burrito.  Fried burrito.  Yikes.  Right now my compromise with myself is that I only eat half of it.  But those are the kinds of compromises that have really been setting me back.

This is me at my college graduation (far left), probably the heaviest I’ve ever been at ~180lbs.

Above is another shot of me about that time, but you can see my whole body (hiding under my old standby, the cable knit sweater, and stuffed like a sausage into a pair of size 12 jeans).  Below is a shot from the same trip (senior year spring break to Vegas–it was awesome and you can tell I hit the buffets hard!)…look at those thunder thighs…

This is me now.  You can’t see my body, but it’s the most recent shot I have.  Below is me, senior year of high school (~140lbs, size 8-10)…the saddest thing is I’m still wearing that swim suit!!

And finally, that’s me on the right, sophomore year of college after having put off the freshman 15 (following a brutal break up), about 140lbs, and where I’d like to be now.