New Year’s Eve

31 Dec 2011 In: Uncategorized

I woke up this morning and the scale said 146lbs! Either my scale and the gym scale are different, I weighed at different times of the day, or I just lost 2 lbs of salt and water weight over the past 2 days.

I had a really great visit with a friend of mine from highschool who has moved away and only comes home for the Christmas break. In highschool and shortly after she had a very serious eating disorder. It was really nice to be able to talk about all of my food issues and fears with someone who understands my compulsions and issues and doesn’t think I am insane. I really need to get this and the shopping under control. I am considering seeing a therapist to help me with this. I have always been adverse to therapy because it makes me feel like I am crazy and I feel like people who go to therapy are seen as insane or “sick”. I also think people would be really surprised if they knew that I was going to therapy (I plan to keep this secret if I do it). I am a very high achiever with a successful job, extra-curricular activities, and a husband and beautiful home. I feel like everyone wouldn’t believe me if I said I was in need of help, i honestly feel like a bit of a failure for not being able to get through this alone. My friend was really positive about therapy though, saying that it is amazing and she loves it so much, so I may look up a therapist in a nearby city and give it a try. I am still pretty wary about it though.

I haven’t over eaten in 3 and a half days. This has probably contributed to me losing 2lbs of bloat. I am very worried though because I am going to a New Year’s Eve Party tonight at a friend’s house. We will be spending the party drinking and eating and hanging out. There will be tons of really bad snacks there. Usually with me I can stay on track if I eat well for about 2 weeks. If I can make it that long and resist temptation then usually I am good to keep going as long as I don’t give in. I have been making really good choices now for a few days and I don’t want to mess this up tonight. If I can just make it through tonight I will be free from potluck dinners, parties, and large family dinners for at least a month. Then I will only have to avoid Tim Horton’s (very popular coffee shop for those non-Canadians), chocolate bars at the grocery store checkout, and left-over holiday chocolate that are sitting in my kitchen and killing my will-power. I always find I eat more at large celebratory events where other people are eating a lot. I guess I feel like it is ok for me to eat a lot if they are.

I have started to wear some of my old jeans that barely fit. They are so tight it is awful. I wear them to events so that I remember how tight my pants have gotten and also it is uncomfortable to eat a great deal. This helps me control my portions a bit because the constant discomfort of my old jeans reminds me of what I have done to myself and prompts me to stop. I will also be bringing tons of Crystal Lite zero calorie drink crystals with me to the party and will avoid all alcohol.

Last year on New Year’s Eve, I distinctly remember feeling fat, unhealthy and unhappy. One year later I have gained weight and am fatter, unhealthier and unhappier than ever! I really need to write on this blog everyday to keep me on track. If I slip I will record it here and then a year from now if I am still fat I can look back and say “It’s your own fault”. I would rather look back and say “look how far you’ve come”.

I have lost myself in a layer of fat

30 Dec 2011 In: Uncategorized

I have been relatively good for the last couple of days. It is still very hard as there are tons of holiday treats left and parties to go to! I have three get togethers to go to before I go back to work this Tuesday and they are all potluck’s with delicious foods!

I realized that this weight gain has really made me lose a lot of myself. I tend to be really outgoing and friendly, always wanting to go out to parties and dancing with friends but as my weight has climbed I feel more shy around people (even friends) and I don’t want to go to a lot of events. I have always been a great public speaker and loved acting in plays but lately I have avoided these type of activities as much as possible. I think it is because I feel so self conscious about how I look. Especially if I haven’t seen someone in a while I think “oh no, they are really going to notice my weight gain.” Just now I am waiting for a visit from a close friend that I haven’t seen in person in 2 years. I feel like she is going to notice how much weight I have gained! I want to be that friendly girl who is comfortable and happy in social situations again!

Wish me Luck!

29 Dec 2011 In: Uncategorized

I am going out of town for a few days to visit my husband’s cousin. I hope we don’t spend the whole time eating bad foods and eating out at restaurants. I guess if we do it will be a good opportunity for me to practice my self control. Wish me luck!

Spiraling out of control!

28 Dec 2011 In: Uncategorized

The last few months I have been spiraling out of control on so many levels. My professional and educational life has been going really well but I have let my health and mental well being deteriorate and I have gotten so fat. I had a good self hating naked look at my self in the mirror this morning. I am getting cellulite, my stomach has a bulge, my pants don’t do up, my underwear is pinching me and I am growing another chin. I went to the gym for a post-Christmas sweat session and I weighed myself on the reliable scale. I am now a whopping 148lbs ladies and gentlemen -at 5’2″! Last year at this time I was 134lbs! I have gained nearly 15lbs in one year and nearly 30 since May 2010!

So the many Christmases and holiday celebrations are now over for the year (save New Year’s Eve on Saturday). I did not do well avoiding treats. I have a real problem with self control. I don’t need to eat these treats- I am going to have many more opportunities in my life time to eat these goodies and I don’t need to have that fifth chocolate peanut butter ball, but I honestly cannot help myself. I have this problem with shopping as well. For the last 7 years I have really struggled with an addiction to shopping.

Now I am not one of those people who has an insane amount of debt racked up and maxes out credit cards and spends my mortgage payments or grocery money on clothing (although I would be thinner lol). It seems like everyone equates shopping problems with these serious issues so when I say I think I have an addiction to shopping my friends are like, “whatever we all love to shop.” With me it is different though I know it is. I just purged my closet and gave away an entire wardrobe’s worth of clothing I don’t wear- and I still have at least double that amount left over. I know that this addiction stems from poor self esteem and needing to feel beautiful all the time. I am not happy with my body so I shop for clothing to make me temporarily feel pretty. I also know that it isn’t healthy because I feel the compulsion to shop at least once a week and after I do I immediately regret the purchase and hide the bag from my husband so he won’t know and judge me. The only person who takes my addiction seriously is my husband. He has been telling me for years I have an addiction to shopping. Having an alcoholic father has made him very sensitive to recognizing addictive behaviour. He isn’t able to help too much though because I do all of my shopping on my lunch break from work (I work in a different city than where I live and cannot go home for lunch so I get bored and fill my lunch hour with shopping). This excessive clothing buying has also prevented me from realizing that I am gaining weight because I keep getting new clothes and I forget about my old clothes. Normal people are like-¬† wow my pants are getting really tight, but I shop so often I just buy a bigger size and despite the fleeting moment where I realize the size on the tag is bigger I quickly forget that 2 summers ago I fit into size 2 shorts. Now I am struggling to do up my size 6’s.

I need to start anew today! I went to the gym and have been drinking tons of water. I am going to change my approach to this and take life one meal at a time. I think I derail myself by thinking about the future. “Oh I can skip the gym today, because I am going to go every other day this week” or “Oh I will eat a healthy dinner tonight (as i pop a cookie in my mouth).

God Help me!

I’m Back

18 Dec 2011 In: Uncategorized

I am back! I actually lost the password and login for this blog for awhile so I couldn’t post! Although to be honest I didn’t look too hard for them! I haven’t gotten anywhere, actually if anything I have just backtracked a bunch. I vowed to lose the 20 extra pounds I gained back in June but I ended up gaining about 4 pounds and then I have been working to lose those. Thankfully I am at least down to 144lbs again.

It is going to be tough to recommit this time. It will be particularly difficult to avoid pitfalls over the next few weeks. With Christmas celebrations every other night, new years and a close friend’s birthday I am going to have to stay really focused to lose this weight.

I have 5 day until my next Christmas get together. I also only have one more day of work before the holidays! I vow to work out every day for the next 6 days and eat as cleanly and healthily as possible. Hopefully I can lose 2 pounds before Christmas and get myself back into a routine!

Wish me Luck!

Here I Go, Here I Go, Here I Go again!

1 Aug 2011 In: Uncategorized

Ok so here I go again. I have lost and regained weight 4 times in the last 10 years.

The first time I gained weight was after my parents divorce. I was already a pretty unhealthy child. I have always been more into books and learning than sports and outdoor activities and I have never really enjoyed vegetables. Carbs are my true love! After the divorce my weight ballooned and by age 15 I hit the 171lb mark. I was devastated – being a teenager is hard enough but being a fat one is even worse. I had a great group of friends but I still felt uncomfortable about my weight all the time – at the beach, at sleepovers, at school, in shorts, in tshirts – everywhere! So I went on a crash diet over the summer, barely ate anything and dropped to 97lbs. I am only 5’2″ so I didn’t look too dreadful but I do know that weight isn’t healthy. Anyway shortly after I started dating someone (now my husband), who distracted me from my extreme dieting and I gained 20lbs. At 120 my body was healthy and a good size.

A year later I started university and reached 130lbs. Late nights studying, a ready supply of pizza and chicken fingers at the cafeteria at all hours of the day, and family stress helped me gain. I did however discover the gym so I think I would have gained more if I hadn’t been working out. Summer came though and I went home and didn’t have access to a free gym anymore and my weight suffered. My husband (then boyfriend) left the country for a three month internship and I was lonely. The summer ended and I was 140lbs.

I got back on track when I went back to school and back to the gym. I had moved off campus away from the bad foods and motivated by a trip to Florida in March I worked out really hard to get down to 118lbs. My husband had discovered fitness in this time (he had always been thin) and was not buff, muscled and lean (he has stayed this way ever since. He has crazy metabolism and will power. I went to Florida looking great and despite continuing to workout as regularly as possible over the next two years my fitness decreased. I join a ton of clubs at University, did an honours specialization degree in Politics and French, was president of a few other clubs and held a part-time job. It was a great deal of stress for me and gradually I packed on the pounds.

In 2008 at my wedding I had gained again to be 151lbs. I was so upset when I first saw the pictures. Looking back now I realize I looked beautiful. because I continued to go to the gym throughout my weight gain was distributed evenly and most people really thought I looked fine – not me though. I am too small to feel good at that weight.

In late 2008 and early 2009 I found 3 Fat Chicks. I participated in the forums, was motivated, ate smaller healthier portions and worked out vigorously. I got down to 124lbs and was happy, looked good and was healthy.

After I graduated from graduate school in 2009 I worked for 5 months at a job I hated. I went everyday and bought a donut at lunch to ease the pain of working in that terrible place – I cried all the time. My weight started to climb and I hit 130. This is not a bad weight for me and I eventually quit that job and got a wonderful job where I work now- My weight balanced out.

At Christmas last year I went to the Dominican Republic. I weighed 130lbs. While not my ideal weight I was firm and looked good in pictures. I am now 144lbs only 6 months later! This time positive developments derailed my weight loss. I began to act as a hobby in amateur theatre and was cast in two back to back plays, therefore from December to May I was either rehearsing three nights a week or performing on stage. I was exhausted and neglected the gym, there were also all the cast parties and get togethers with wine and cheese (my absolute favourite) and I over ate at all of them. I also in this time period began to take a correspondence course relating to my job. Then I got a promotion (YAY!) that required a lot more responsibility from me; unfortunately for 2 months my workplace didn’t have anyone to replace me in my old position so I ended up working both my new promotion position and my old position! I was busy! I barely slept, I started rewarding myself with Ice Cappuccinos and chocolate bars and low and behold I am now 144lbs!

I am not in another play for awhile and my company has hired a lovely girl to take my old position so I am now back to doing one extremely busy job, thank goodness. I really have no excuse not to lose this weight. I have to make it a priority and a life style so that in 2 years I am not back here telling this story! Even when my life gets busy or stressful I need to make my health a priority!

I am hoping that this blog will help to keep me accountable  for my actions.

Hello world!

1 Aug 2011 In: Uncategorized

Welcome to your new diet blog! This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging! You may also wish to go to the site admin area and create categories and choose a design theme to get started.