I woke up this morning and the scale said 146lbs! Either my scale and the gym scale are different, I weighed at different times of the day, or I just lost 2 lbs of salt and water weight over the past 2 days.

I had a really great visit with a friend of mine from highschool who has moved away and only comes home for the Christmas break. In highschool and shortly after she had a very serious eating disorder. It was really nice to be able to talk about all of my food issues and fears with someone who understands my compulsions and issues and doesn’t think I am insane. I really need to get this and the shopping under control. I am considering seeing a therapist to help me with this. I have always been adverse to therapy because it makes me feel like I am crazy and I feel like people who go to therapy are seen as insane or “sick”. I also think people would be really surprised if they knew that I was going to therapy (I plan to keep this secret if I do it). I am a very high achiever with a successful job, extra-curricular activities, and a husband and beautiful home. I feel like everyone wouldn’t believe me if I said I was in need of help, i honestly feel like a bit of a failure for not being able to get through this alone. My friend was really positive about therapy though, saying that it is amazing and she loves it so much, so I may look up a therapist in a nearby city and give it a try. I am still pretty wary about it though.

I haven’t over eaten in 3 and a half days. This has probably contributed to me losing 2lbs of bloat. I am very worried though because I am going to a New Year’s Eve Party tonight at a friend’s house. We will be spending the party drinking and eating and hanging out. There will be tons of really bad snacks there. Usually with me I can stay on track if I eat well for about 2 weeks. If I can make it that long and resist temptation then usually I am good to keep going as long as I don’t give in. I have been making really good choices now for a few days and I don’t want to mess this up tonight. If I can just make it through tonight I will be free from potluck dinners, parties, and large family dinners for at least a month. Then I will only have to avoid Tim Horton’s (very popular coffee shop for those non-Canadians), chocolate bars at the grocery store checkout, and left-over holiday chocolate that are sitting in my kitchen and killing my will-power. I always find I eat more at large celebratory events where other people are eating a lot. I guess I feel like it is ok for me to eat a lot if they are.

I have started to wear some of my old jeans that barely fit. They are so tight it is awful. I wear them to events so that I remember how tight my pants have gotten and also it is uncomfortable to eat a great deal. This helps me control my portions a bit because the constant discomfort of my old jeans reminds me of what I have done to myself and prompts me to stop. I will also be bringing tons of Crystal Lite zero calorie drink crystals with me to the party and will avoid all alcohol.

Last year on New Year’s Eve, I distinctly remember feeling fat, unhealthy and unhappy. One year later I have gained weight and am fatter, unhealthier and unhappier than ever! I really need to write on this blog everyday to keep me on track. If I slip I will record it here and then a year from now if I am still fat I can look back and say “It’s your own fault”. I would rather look back and say “look how far you’ve come”.