Marathon Mom

Weight: 160.4

Monday and TOM have joined forces to add invisible pounds to the scale. I have nothing that could account for a two pound gain in two days. (They probably shot JFK too!)

I was totally going to get up and do my 45 on the elliptical this morning. The alarm went off and I hit the snooze again and again… until I just finally turned off the alarm and accepted that the exercise was not going to happen. I am refusing to turn on the heat yet. We live just north of SF, it just doesn’t get that cold here. Except that it dropped into the 30s last night. And that is freakin’ cold!! So the temp in the house is in the 40s and I was wearing light pjs with one blanket. And I was too cold to get up, much less think. I finally had to get up to pee this morning and THAT’S when I put on some sweats. And when I mentally gave up on the exercise this a.m.

I still have just a touch of congestion deep in my chest. But just a touch. Not enough to warrant no exercise anymore. I’ve now gotten into my lazy, slothful, winter hibernation phase. And getting up early to exercise is going to be ten times harder than during the summer. I need to put a big poster of Paris up in my room, to look at everyday and help with the motivation. FIVE MONTHS - the Paris Marathon is in exactly 5 months (April 11, 2010) which also means my 40th birthday. I had plenty of time when I made this goal four months ago. But now it’s getting to crunch time. I can’t believe I’m almost to the halfway point. And yet, my progress is not nearly there.

It’s not time to panic yet! But it is time to get seriouser. Yes, I said seriousER. I have got to get rid of this extra weight. I can’t run a marathon carrying around thirty extra pounds. Period. I need to buckle down. Instead I’m just kind of meandering about. Time to step it up. Time to lay out some plans. I do so much better with a schedule. I’ll be putting that together today. I am doing this. I won’t give up.

This week was crazy. Ok, so most of my weeks are crazy. That’s a given. But this week was a bit crazier than the usual. It’s been very stressful getting my grandparents moved into the retirement home. It’s kinda like a sorority house for seniors. It’s very homey and nothing like a nursing home. Even the medical part of the staff dress in regular clothes. However, my grandmother especially does not want to be there. She doesn’t think she belongs there, that she and my grandpa aren’t “that bad”. She can’t remember how to use utensils and will stare at a sandwich trying to figure out how to eat it. I love them both dearly, which is surprising me since they really weren’t very nice people. But they’re my grandparents and so I guess that familial pull is stronger than I expected.

While I was doing a lot of their unpacking, I kept running across pictures of them when they were first married. And it hit me, they used to be young and vibrant and full of life and energy. And now they are shuffling, old and confused. And I feel like bursting into tears because I think it just REALLY hit me that one day in the all too near future, that is going to be me. If I’m lucky enough to live to be 87. My grandpa will turn 88 this month. My great-grandmother (my grandmother’s mom) lived to be 98 and only died because fell when walking and broke her hip and six months later a bloodclot from that leg went to her heart. She was in excellent health, but her mind was gone. And that’s exactly where my grandmother is headed. She still recognizes people… sometimes. My grandpa’s mind is all there, but he has Parkinson’s and it has taken his body. He can hardly walk or speak. He mumbles and is almost impossible to understand. He was never much of a talker anyway, so maybe the combo of Parkinson’s and lack of use. But I noticed my mom today, she’s starting to shake. Just a hint, but there was a definite tremor. She’s 62. She could end up with Parkinson’s and Alzheimers. That is just not fair!!

Anyway, what this mostly has done is really open my eyes. Time is MOVING. I need to make the most of it now!! My marathon days are short and I need to do this while I still can. I didn’t run this week because I didn’t have knee braces (just those ace bandage type things with the little knee opening, I need something to help keep my knee caps from sliding around so much, it’s taking a toll on my shin bones, I can feel then hitting the tops of them and it’s starting to hurt. Also the ligaments on the inner sides of my knee caps have been SORE!) Anyway, I finally went and bought them today. Over $30 for two of them. But if it saves my knees, then I guess its worth it. And I NEED to do this. I need to be able to look back on my life and see that I DID things, didn’t just think about them or talk about them. But DID them.

I look back on my skydiving pictures with pride. I DID it! I look at my 5K ribbon. I did that too.

Now, my weight is UP. Like 25 pounds higher than back in April. And yet, I met one of my son’s friends for the first time the other day and she told him “Your mom is HOT!” Let me tell you, that is nice to hear! I’m not feeling very hot these days, but I’d just gotten my hair done and was feeling “pretty” again and it was just really something I needed to hear. Not necessarily that a teenage girl thinks I’m hot, but that I’m looking pretty good and not looking like the dumpy old mom that I was feeling like a couple of weeks ago. I guarantee you, if she had seen me a month ago, she wouldn’t have said that. Because I felt like crap and I’m sure I was projecting that to the world. I don’t FEEL like crap anymore - I don’t feel like I look my best, but I sure look better than I did two years ago. A LOT better - and I hang on to that.

Plus I have goals and dreams and plans - I have a pretty great future and I’m looking towards it. Life is good. It could be SO much worse. I’m really pretty darn lucky. I’m still in my 30s (just barely!) and I still have more of my life ahead of me than behind me!! THAT is awesome! To realize that over the last couple days has really been a revelation!

Tomorrow I run. I am buying all those healthy foods that my body loves and I should be eating. I am going to resume tracking and counting and working towards that better me that I know is in there somewhere. Paris, here I come!

A.M. Weigh-in: 147.2

I’ll never get caught up on everything, will I? I’m beginning to face that little piece of reality. I just feel behind all the time, too bad all my theorhetical running to catch up isn’t burning any calories! I’d be at goal weight in no time!

My birthday is in exactly 6 weeks from this Saturday. I really REALLY wanted to be at goal weight (115) by then. Obviously, short of injesting a tape worm or severing one of my larger limbs, that ain’t gonna happen. So, I’m having to accept that crappy little bit of reality too. So I’ve reset my birthday goal to 129. That’s 18 pounds in 6 weeks. Three pounds a week is reasonable IF I stay focused and on track. Other than my daughter’s 18th birthday the week before my birthday, there isn’t anything on the horizon between now and then. Which is great!! I’m putting my blinders on and running ahead full steam - sorry, I mixed about a dozen metaphors there. I think I just killed my college lit professor!

Back to work - I’ll check in later!

1:35 pm UPDATE: got a foot long veggie delite from Subway. Points total: 7.5 for whole foot long. I usually only get a 6″ (which is 3 points) but I’m dividing into lunch and dinner. It’s more cost effective to get a $5 foot long than a $3.50 six inch. And I’m just frugal like that.

After work, picking up Skye from daycare, and making sure all the kids have done their homework, are making dinner and doing their chores, I have to head out shopping again tonite. I’m going to get a steam-vac for our kitchen floor. I just hate that it never feels clean from just mopping. Especially since I don’t do the mopping, the kids do. I’m hoping they’ll do a better job with a steam vac. I’m also buying one of those electric sweeper/vacs that look like a broom since they do such a craptastic job of sweeping.

Then I’m going to swing into Ross and pick up a new purse. I’m in desperate need of one the right size. I’m torn between a satchel and a hobo style. Ross always has really great bags, so I’m sure I’ll find something.

I’m determined to keep up with my blogging, so even though it’s 9:40 at night and I should be in bed by now, I’m logging in here.

I weighed in at 149.8 this morning. Back under 150. And so I did it, I got my tattoo this afternoon. I love it. I’m so proud of myself. It’s a line drawing of a phoenix rising and it represents so much to me. I’ve been carrying around this drawing for three years now. It was time. I was ready.

I’ve been juice cleansing this weekend. I’m good and ready for tomorrow. I have my alarm set (5 am - omg that is so early!) my DVD ready (I start Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred DVD tomorrow) my workout clothes laid out and I even did my grocery shopping for the week (both me and the kids.) I am ready to attack not just tomorrow or this week, but this whole month. And then the year. But I can’t think in long term goals like that without getting a little freaked out. So I’m just concentrating on tomorrow. I can manage tomorrow.

I had a box of Red Vines at the movies, a Chicken Fajita Pita from Jack in the Box for lunch, half a small bag of Cheetos as a snack. Not a great day food wise and yet, it was. See, one of my goals for this year is to let go of the guilt I feel whenever I don’t eat perfectly. I have some major food issues and a lifetime history of eating disorders. This year I conquer the last of them. So I didn’t eat perfectly today. So what. I didn’t throw my hands up in the air in defeat and go on an all out binge either. I had a box of Red Vines at the movies. And I enjoyed every single one of them (except for the couple that Skye ate!) Sure, I chowed down on some Cheetos. I can’t remember the last time I ate a Cheeto - it’s been well over a year, that’s for sure! And instead of getting a burger, fries and a shake at Jack in the Box, I got a very healthy, low calorie and low fat Chicken Fajita Pita. And I had that with tea when I got home. And even though it was a holiday. Even though I slept in. Even though I really really REALLY didn’t feel like it, I did 90 minutes on the elliptical tonight. And about halfway through, I felt fantastic.

I’ve felt the change happen in the last few weeks. I exercise because I feel weird if I go for more than a couple of days without it. Like if I go for a day or so without a shower. By day two I just HAVE to shower. I can’t stand not. That’s how the exercise was today (though I have a feeling I can hold out for more than two days.) But I feel off and yucky and just bleck if I go for more than a couple days without working out.

This is it. This is the year that I finally lay those demons to rest. I know that they’ll still pop up from time to time, but I won’t give in to them anymore. I’m going to be free.

Yesterday, I ran in my very first 5K - the San Francisco Mission Rock Run. Running a 5K has been a goal of mine for years. One of those things I was always going to do, but never got around to even training for. Well, this year I was going to do it. Period. Yes, I just barely squeezed it in. But the point is, I did it. I set a goal and I followed thru with it. Follow thru is something I suck at. I’m a great planner but a terrible doer - and my overall longterm goal is to change that - to become someone who does things and doesn’t just sit around planning things. Run the walk, not just think the thought.

Now, I wasn’t the fastest and I wasn’t the slowest, barely… I finished ahead of one person, a gentleman who was probably in his 70s. And I wasn’t that far ahead of him either. But this wasn’t about speed or even performance as much as finishing something I started. Accomplishing something. Crossing a life-goal off the old bucket list. And that, my friends, makes this little pink participants ribbon totally priceless!