A.M. weigh-in: 147.4
I think I’ve officially entered PMS. Only it’s PPMS and the first P stands for psycho. I don’t know what happened, it’s like a switch has been flipped inside my head. All my upbeat and chipperness has gone. I feel angry, irritable, frustrated and just so damn tired. Part of it can be attributed to kids and illness. Someone has been sick basically every day so far this year. Especially Sean and Skye, who also sleep in my room (though usually on their own little beds.) They’ve both had middle of the night ear aches - different nights, of course, so as to spread out the sleepless nights for me as much as possible. Slight fevers. Bad coughs, especially Sean, who then is left wheezing. Lots of cold medicine, children’s motrin for the fevers and earaches, albuteral for the asthma. And that’s just night time.
During the day, it’s calls from the schools, calls to the doctors, doctor visits, errands, multiple trips to the store for more medicine… and then I got the call from Tad’s pre-algebra teacher. Guess who has only turned in two homework assignments since Winter break? Guess who’s getting an F on this next progress report? GREEEAAAATTTT!!! Right back where I started with these kids. I’m guessing the same is true for his other classes… and probably Jason too. Cali graduates in a few more months, I’m hoping she’s been smart enough to keep her grades up.
I am EXHAUSTED! And I feel like I’ve totally lost my grip on everything. I don’t know what I was thinking signing up with eHarmony. I’ve gotten some communication, but not much. I’m thinking I jumped into this too soon. I was hoping to get at least a couple of dates out of this, but now I’m doubting that. And part of that, maybe most of that is because I’m not willing/able to put in the amount of time you need to really work the system. I’d emailed back and forth with a guy who lives about two hours away, he wanted to move on to phone calls. And I said I wanted to keep it at emails cause I don’t like to talk on the phone. And I don’t. At all. Not even to my best friend, we email. Part of it is that I have a small hearing problem. I can’t filter out background noise very well and hearing on a cell phone is VERY difficult. I have to ask people to repeat themselves a LOT, which gets annoying for everyone, especially me. Cause I feel stupid and inept. The other part is that I don’t get ANY quiet phone time. EVER. How in the world could I talk to a “guy” with my kids walking in and out of the room? Work is beyond out of the question. And I’ve already addressed the whole cellphone issue. Phones just don’t work. Well, guess who I haven’t heard back from. Yeah, big surprise. Not that we’d hit it off or anything, but still. And that’s probably how it’s going to be with anyone. I’m not in a good place in my life to start dating. I’m SO glad that I only did the one-month trial membership so I can cancel it without too much damage to my pocketbook (or ego.) Cause let’s face it, my profile was only getting like 2-5 views a day, and contact had been initiated by 4. 4 total. That’s it. And it doesn’t even say that I have 5 kids on my profile. But I’m 38. And these guys are looking for 20-somethings. I know this because my stepsister who is 28 only dates guys who are in their late 30s and early 40s. And she has dates nearly every night of the week, and we won’t even get into her weekends. Yeah, I’m supposed to be “competing” with her? Not very likely. No, not at all.
So, I’ll continue my sad, lonely existence. I was loving my life just a couple of days ago and now this. Maybe I inherited more of my mom’s bipolarism than I had hoped. Well, that just totally sucks. I’m eating Cheez-its now. It’s not a good day.
