Marathon Mom

I’m getting ready to head out on my run this morning. Just 3 miles… it feels weird saying just to that. But three miles has become my default run. I think that bumps up to 4 miles on my small run days next month. And by November, I’ll be running 6 miles on my regular days and my long runs will be up to 10 and more. It starts to increase pretty quickly. Which is actually good, I’m still planning a half-mary the first weekend in December. It involves running across the Golden Gate Bridge, twice (coming and going) and a run through Golden Gate Park. I live just north of the GGB, just 20 minute drive from the City (SF) and the race starts and ends up here, on my side of the GGB. I guess that might be weird to some people, that I live so close to one of the major travel destinations in the world. Just like when I hear people talking about walking near the Eiffel Tower which is just down the street from their home. That just blows me away that people LIVE there! Or someone I know who lives in the Bronx and goes bike riding all over NYC and Manhattan and other landmarks that I think of as famous and exotic and she just calls home. I try not to take it for granite, and do touristy stuff peroidically, like a tour of Alcatraz (which is very cool, by the way!) or just bum around Fisherman’s wharf and Pier 39. We take the ferry, go to Ripley’s Believe it or Not Museum, eat clam chowder in sourdough bread bowls and get bags of salt water taffy. It’s fun to play tourist in your own backyard. I recommend everyone do it!

OK, I guess I’ve stalled lacing up and heading out the door long enough. It’s time to literally hit the road!

UPDATE 7:11 AM

Well, my knee decided about a quarter mile into my run that this just wasn’t going to happen this morning. Oh, I am PISSED. I’ve never had to stop and walk back home before. But powering through was not an option. GRRRR!!! I am not a happy camper… er… runner. I’m going to do a little google research and see if I can figure this thing out.

UPDATE 7:15 AM

Well, that didn’t take long, did it? First result on Google search hit it a bullseye!

What is it?

Kneecap pain or runner’s knee, known to doctors as patellofemoral joint pain or patellofemoral pain syndrome, is characterised by pain at the front or middle edge of the knee or under the kneecap.

Symptoms

Pain at the front or middle edge of the knee or under the kneecap. The pain can often be felt while squatting or going up or down stairs, and when a person gets up after having sat for a while.

Causes

The pain can be caused by any imbalance or dysfunction of the stabilising forces that keep the patella (kneecap) tracking smoothly in the patellofemoral groove on the femur (thighbone).

These causes include overly tight thigh (quadriceps) muscles, tightness of the iliotibial band – the strong band of thick tissue running down the outside of the thigh, weakness of one of the large quadriceps muscles – the vastus medialis oblique (VMO), and faulty biomechanics, such as that causing excessive pronation (rolling in of the foot during the gait cycle).

Treatment

Initial treatment may involve taping of the kneecap to hold it closer to the midline of the body to relieve pain. Rehabilitation usually involves stretching and strengthening exercises to achieve correct balance of the stabilising muscles around the kneecap. If there are biomechanical abnormalities, orthotics may be needed.

The full article can be found HERE.

So, I basically need to go back to the gym and resume my knee physical therapy exercises (I haven’t been doing them the past couple of weeks, I thought I didn’t need them anymore. That’s what I get for thinkin’! And until it’s restrengthened, I need to put my knee brace back on. I haven’t worn them in at least a month. In other words, it’s the same cause I’ve always had, it’s just manifesting itself in a slightly different way.

I will never learn. Ever.

UPDATE 10:09 PM

I am so tired. I hope I get a really good night’s sleep tonite. I need it. It was a long day and I got nothing done that I wanted or needed to. I am so behind, I’m almost in front!!

Tomorrow is another day.

I feel MUCH better this morning. A hint of a sniffle and my throat isn’t 100% but I feel lightyears better than yesterday. LIGHTYEARS!

Today is my last rest day. Tomorrow I run. Well, a light jog anyway. I’ve got to rework my schedule. I need to get back to exercising regularly. I miss it. And I’m afraid I’m going to get out of habit. I am bound and determined to go to the gym today. I haven’t been all week. I’ve barely been at work all week, it’s been crazy. But things have calmed down now. I need to get this Boot Camp back on track. Even with injury.

Food has been on track. But the scale is not moving. I’m totally bummed. I’m eating right around 1200 calories a day, which is right for me. And yet, nothing. FRUSTRATION!! However, what can I do but keep moving forward, right? I’m pretty sure that the fix for this is not to go back to my steady diet of Twinkies, french fries and Diet Coke. And so I soldier on…

Tomorrow I’m taking my two youngest down to the south bay to visit some friends. I’m not too worried about food, since Sean has food allergies I’ve tried to avoid eating out. We’ll bring our own food and won’t be hitting any restaurants or fast food places. Easy-peasy!

Still can’t decide between All About Steve and Extract… hm… what’s a girl to do?

UPDATE 4:14 PM

I just ate a king size Baby Ruth bar that’s been sitting in my mom’s office for at least a month. taunting me. Well, I showed it, didn’t I!

PS. It wasn’t that good. And it tasted at least a month old. 280 calories later. But it’s not there anymore! Now its on my ass!

And now I just ate a make-shift quesadilla from two low carb whole wheat tortillas and a sprinkling of low fat cheese.

I thinks I is hungry!

A.M. weigh in: 169.4

Upon reflecting, I would guess there has been more snacking during the day than I’m probably copping to, at least consciously. Especially at night. It’s like I do great during the day (or pretty OK) and then at night, I just get a bit hungry. And next thing I know, I’ve eaten 4 Eggo waffles (plain) and a flour tortilla with some cheese (quesadilla). That was just last night. It frustrates me that I have this invisible block of time that when I eat, I think mentally that it doesn’t count. Of course it counts. But I don’t count it. And I think that’s the problem.

Damn it.

But it still means that I’m not really doing well during the day. I’m hungry at night to the point that it’s making me want to eat. I don’t think it’s a matter of being bored or distracted. I’m actually hungry. Like right now. My stomach is actually growling.

Here’s today’s menu:

1st thing this morning: protein bar
Breakfast: WW egg, bacon and cheese breakfast sandwich
Snack: Yoplait Boston Cream Pie LIght Yogurt (& being honest, a handful of crunchy Cheetos… ok, 2 handfuls)
Lunch: Eating Right butternut squash ravioli
Snack: Yoplait Cinnamon Roll Light Yogurt
Dinner: Eating Right some kind of chicken dinner thing (I don’t remember which one)
At Home: Lean Cuisine BBQ chicken pizza

I would say that I’ve eaten roughly 1400 calories today. Especially since I didn’t exercise today, that is really plenty. So WHY am I sitting here hungry at 7:20pm? I drink lots during the day. Tons. It’s definitely not mis-directed thirst. I could even eat a salad, it’s not about cravings. And I find that if I go to be THIS hungry, I wake up in the middle of the night. I do not want to start night eating. I’ve been there once before and it is a crazy place. No way I’m going to start getting up at 2 am for a snack!

I just need to figure this out. I need to eat more filling foods. I know the biggest problem with the above menu is that everything is prepared, prepackaged and full of preservatives. It’s NOT filling, I’m not getting very much for my calorie buck. This simplest answer is usually the right one. Less prepackaged foods and more real fruits and veggies. It’s really as simple as that. So why is it so HARD???!!!

A.M. weigh in: 167.2

No.Words.

UPDATE 2:09 PM

Thanks, Patty. I’ve bookmarked that blog to come back to regularly. I especially like her Mojo Mondays. I’m going to subscribe to her feed. Funny thing, she lives here, in Marin County! Go figure!

Today I feel blah. Maybe later tonite I’ll write more about it in depth. The sum of it is, I’m feeling lonely. Yes, surrounded by 5 kids, my family and friends, I feel alone. That coupled with the weight gain and a “I’m just gonna touch up my roots myself” fiasco - and now I’m not even recognizing the girl looking back in the mirror. Girl… I should say middle aged woman. I feel totally out of it. And sad. I’m normally a super happy person. I feel betrayed by my own self. And that totally sucks.

A.M. weigh-in: 160.6

Slow and steady wins the race, right? RIGHT??!! I just have to keep reminding myself that it’s OK to lose .2 lbs a day. That is something to celebrate. Unless Jillian Michaels is residing in my house, it is foolish to expect a pound a day weightloss. Good. Any loss is good. Losing one to two pounds a week is good.

Why is that so hard? I’m such an all or nothing kinda girl. It spills over into every aspect of my life. This Go Big Or Go Home mentality isn’t getting me anything but a permanent residence in Frustratedville. Moderation. I need to learn how to embrace this concept. Doing things in moderation. Yeah, I’m gonna have a hard time with that one.

Speaking of, I ate too much dinner last night. I made the kids grilled cheese with turkey sandwiches for dinner. And there was left over BBQ beef from the night before. So last night was sandwiches night. But it was a hot meal that I prepared for them, not “hey, make yourself some sandwiches” cold straight from the fridge. So I feel ok about them. I made myself a couple of wraps with whole wheat low carb tortillas, a couple of slices of turkey breast, lettuce, tomatoes, and pickles. Hmm… and then I made a third and melted a little low-fat cheese in it as well. Then I noticed that Skye didn’t eat all of her sandwich, so I finished off the last few bites… and then I had like 3 BBQ beef sandwiches on hamburger buns… and ate a small piece of white chocolate that’s been hiding in the back of the freezer… and then I said WTF?! And stopped it there. Even though I was REALLY wanting some Twinkies… or Ding Dongs… or Hostess Cupcakes… or Zingers… not really that picky, just about anything would have done. THIS is why I don’t keep that kind of stuff in the house, even if Sean wasn’t allergic to them. Because if they had been there, I would have eaten first and asked questions later. Since they weren’t on the premises, I would have had to drive to the store… and that made me stop. Thank GAWD!! I stopped. And then I found my mind and put it back in, cause for a mintue there I had TOTALLY lost it! Whew!

So far today has been in control:

Breakfast: sugar-free Quaker oatmeal
Snack: fat-free Yoplait, apple turnover YUMMY!!
Lunch: Southwest Chicken panini, Lean Cuisine

I AM going to my Weight Watchers meeting tonite. And I’m weighing in. And it’s going to be even higher than my last highest-ever-weight-weigh-in. And that sucks since I’m actually down a couple of pounds! But, tonite is my bottom of the barrel, last straw night. I’m back on it again!

Funny how life is so cyclical. The last time I joined WW was back in 2007. Six months in I weighed in more than I had when I joined. That was my wake-up call that I needed to get my act together. I lost pretty steadily after that, until I stopped going. Then I plateaued for about 8 months and then rejoined in January of this year. Six months later and guess what? Yep, weigh more than I did when I re-joined in January. At least I’m not back up to what I was in 2007. I’m still down 60 pounds.

A.M. weigh-in: 162.2

Why can’t I get my act together??? I just can not seem to get my head back in the game. I feel totally out of it.  I am not willing to give up, not officially. But my actions seem to indicate that I already have… about two months ago. I’m up almost 20 pounds. TWENTY POUNDS!! My GOD, that is a lot. I would be dancing if I had lost that much. Now I’m right back where I was last summer. <totally  banging head in massive frustration>

I don’t even know where to start to get back into it. I had THREE blueberry muffins yesterday. A footlong meatball sub. We had baked potatoes, pot roast and braised carrots for dinner. And I made a cherry crisp for dessert - and had two good sized helpings. UGH. I have no answer for that. None.

Today I’ve had a small banana so far. I’m literally scared to eat anything else. It seems to be a gateway to sugar and carbs. I want to cry. I feel so lost. I have no idea how to get back on track. <me floundering>

UPDATE 5:16 PM

Thanks everyone for your encouraging comments. It helps to know I’m not in this alone.

I had a good day (so far). And I told my snack cravings where to stick it… the miracle is that THEY LISTENED! The urge to eat/snack all day has passed. In fact, I didn’t even have my planned snack of carrots and ranch dressing. I’ve stayed on plan all day. I still have tonite to deal with. But I’m feeling positive, which is a step in the right direction.

Oh, and I feel like I really care again. Like maybe, just maybe I’m ready to re-enter “the zone”. I’m afraid to get my hopes to high up. But honestly, if I don’t get this under control NOW, I’m not going to have any clothes left that fit. I gave all my larger sizes away. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to go buy new fat pants!

A.M weigh-in: 160.4 (oh, that’s just so awesome! AWESOME!! blahhhhhh!!)

So, yesterday was officially the worst first day back on track in the history of first day back on tracks! It started with a peanut butter cup for breakfast and ended with Taco Bell. There were many cookies, Junior Mints and even a shared order of pretzel bites with cheese at the movies. The only exercise I got was shoveling… crap into my gaping maw!

Why am I finding it so hard to pull my shit back together? I’ve been off the wagon for 6 weeks. My house is a mess, my office is a mess, I’m a mess… I feel totally discombobulated. I HAVE to get back on plan, schedule, track… all of the above. I also need to hit the shower and get my ass moving this morning. I really don’t want to add late to work to my list today. I’ll check back in later.

UGH - Melissa Joan Hart - I HATE YOU!!!! HATE YOU!!! On the cover of whatever magazine in a bikini after two babies. You’re my height 5′2″ and you now weigh 113. You’re youngest is what? just over a year old? Nice - you suck!! Thanks for setting that bar insanely high. Waaaaaa….

A.M. Weigh-in: 150.4 (sooo not right!)

Today I woke up feeling SO off. I had a horrific nightmare. HORRIFIC. I won’t go into it, but I can’t remember having a nightmare like that since the year following my dad’s death when I was 17. So when I woke up this morning, I was shaken, really upset, unable to get the visuals out of my head, and totally exhausted. Not really a great way to start the day.

I missed breakfast, grabbed a Slimfast bar for a late midmorning snack and immediately regretted it cause those things are like 3 or 4 points and about as filling as eating a rice crispy bar (in other words, not at all!) So being off my game and starving, I ALMOST drove to Jack in the Box for a quickie, pick me up, totally NOT healthy lunch. Instead, I drove to Safeway and grabbed an order of spicy tuna spring rolls and a small Thai Chicken Noodle salad. Points total for both is 9.5, which is not optimal but much better than the couple hundred a burger and fries from JBs would have!

HOWEVER, it’s now 12:45. And I just realized that I’m probably in the early stages of PMS, looking at the calendar. OH CRAP!! I do not need to start another two week bender right now!! I was just getting back on track… but all I can think about is ice cream and chocolate. This is SO not cool. I need to keep on plan, but the grapes and baby carrots in the fridge upstairs ain’t gonna cut it. I’m not even hungry at all right now. I just WANT. I’m very frustrated right now. Oh, and I have a raging headache. RAGING!!! I’m sure I can attribute that to last night’s horrorfest.

And the “best” part - I’ve been checking the weather forecast for a week and it’s been predicted that Saturday would be all bright and sunny (no surprise, sunshine in LA in May, right?!) Well, guess what?! As of TODAY, there’s a storm coming in and it’s supposed to rain Friday and Saturday! Really??  REALLY!!! Why not snow? WTF happened to “it never rains in Southern California?” Two trips in a month and the ONLY time it’s rained is when I’ve been down there. This is ridiculous!! Where’s the freakin’ chocolate?!!!

UPDATE 2:21 PM

Most of the way thru my 2nd pack of WW Fruities - thank goodness they’re only 1 pt per pack. I ate four of them at the movies last night! But they ARE helping me chew my way thru the afternoon without doing any further damage.

However, I’m spending tonite at the movies too (long story involving teenage daughter and some live action anime movie that’s a one-nite showing.) Am very worried I’ll be losing it completely tonite at the movies - frozen junior mints call to me!

A.M. Weigh-in: 154.0 (seriously SERIOUSLY???!!)

Skipped breakfast this morning and have now eaten most of a box of chocolate covered creme de menthe Altoids while drinking a Diet Coke. Can we say wholesome, clean, all-natural foods? No, apparently, we can not.

My arms are sore from my upper body work out at the gym yesterday. For those keeping score, that would be TWO DAYS IN A ROW! <- all caps wasn’t sufficient, had to go for the bold too!

Today is lower bod - Wednesday is an all-cardio day, then back to upper bod.

Food was Fabuloso yesterday…. right up until I pigged out on veggies about 9pm. What’s that you say, veggies are 0 point healthy uber clean and natural totally acceptable pig out food? Excellent I say! They were swimming in a vat of full-fat ranch dip; I believe I consumed a couple of pints. Oooooohhhh, you say! Well THAT explains THAT, fat-ass!!

Just ate the last Altoids out of the box… that was a brand new box about 10 minutes ago. Note to self: do NOT skip breakfast EVER!!

Small box of yellow bunny peeps are calling to me from the upstairs fridge… I hate them. They are taunting me. Pure evil…

I’m supposed to head to the gym in 10 minutes. So why don’t I want to go? Besides being totally buried at work - you’d think I’d be looking for excuses to get out of here for an hour. But I really need to go to the bank. I have no food here at work, especially with my stash of Altoids depleted. I feel LAZY. Lazy and mentally lost. I have no focus. I’m watching my weight creep up higher and higher and I feel totally inept, like no matter what I do it’s going to keep inching up. And yet, I feel only mildly frustrated. Like I don’t have the energy to care or berate myself. It’s SUMMER - we’re getting up into the 90s and I feel like I have the winter blahs.

UPDATE 12:50 PM

Currently eating lunch: bbq chicken salad I picked up from Safeway. I also grabbed a snack on the go thing with celery, baby carrots, grape tomatoes and light ranch dip cup for later. I’m all set… I hope!

I picked that up on my way back to work from THE GYM. Yes, I went. Did the lower bod workout machines. Feel good. Sore but in a good way. Three days in a row - look out, this might stick!

Now if I can just figure out a way to keep from my food raids at night, I’d be GREAT!

UPDATE 4:18 PM.

A little over an hour to go before I head home for the day. The next few hours are when I do the most damage. Whether its candy at the movies or while I working around the house. I don’t know why I get the urge to mindlessly eat late in the day lately. It used to be a huge problem and I changed all my routines hoping to adjust myself out of it. It had been working until recently. I think I’ve been eating dinner too early, for one. Usually around 4:30 pm. I’m just too hungry at bedtime. But I get off work at 5:30 and eating dinner at home has proved disasterous - once I start eating I can’t seem to stop. Need to figure this one out and soon!!!

UPDATE 9:30 PM

Watching the weigh in on Biggest Loser. Can’t even imagine how stressful that must be. I have my own WW weigh in tomorrow night and it’s going to be a big, fat gain. UGH. I do not even want to step on that scale. I am totally dreading it!! I have got to get my head back in the game. I’m planning another rafting/kayaking trip for me and the boys the week after school gets out. That’s 7 weeks from right now. It’ll be up in Oregon, and it will be hot. I’m determined to be able to wear a tank and shorts - and not be all stressed and self-conscious about my arms. I’m going to tone these babies up by then! By the end of the summer, the boys and I are hiking up Half Dome in Yosemite. We’re going to start doing small hikes and hills around here on the weekends. And early mornings once summer hits and they’re out of school. I’m getting our asses in shape, gosh darn it!

A.M. weigh-in: 146.4 (go raisinets and sunchips!)

Ugh - today is biting BIG TIME! I’m at work and filling in the miniatures department ALL WEEKEND!! I am SO behind in shipping out my wholesale orders from the show a week ago, orders keep coming in (which is fantastic, don’t get me wrong) and I can’t work on any of it!! I’m going to be even more behind come Monday morning. And I thought I was going to get all caught up on everything this weekend. What a joke!!

If frustration burns calories, I’ll be skinny by Monday!!

3:41pm - still trapped in the minis department. At least I got to escape for a few minutes. Popped over to McDs for a grilled chicken caesar salad (4 points) which I put salsa on instead of dressing. Unfortunately, I had to bring it back to work and eat it here while fielding questions about stuff I know NOTHING about! Fun times, baby! FUN TIMES!!

So, since work and currently my life is sucking SO much, I think I need to go relax and see a movie before I go home to deal with my monsters spawn offspring. They’ve called MULTIPLE times today “Mooooooommmmmm, Tad won’t do his chore!” What the hell was I thinking when I got knocked up ON PURPOSE?! If I knew then what I know now… yeah, I’d still have had ‘em. I’m totally insane. But you all already knew that, didn’t you!

Movie update: So I went and saw Fanboys. You can read about it on my blog Mommy In Real Life, if you are so inclined.

And here’s a pic of my spruced up ‘do (and my fave Twinkie the Kid vintage tee!)