I didn’t even realize this blog would still be up and active. I haven’t posted here in over a year. And it shows. My weight is… 214.6 - Up 50 lbs in a year. Less really. I was right around 200 by Christmas. It’s gone up and down and up and down. And UP. So here I am. Starting all over again. Part of me wonders why bother. It’s so much work. And effort. But then I remember how great I felt at a lower weight. How I could move more and not be so insanely self-conscious. I feel so bad about myself now. Like just totally disgusted with myself. And everytime I look in the mirror I think “what have I done to myself?!” I feel like a big, bloated, blobby mess.
I’m picking up an elliptical tomorrow that I’m buying on Craigslist. I used to have my mom’s but she wanted it back. So now it sits piled under crap in her office. Whatever. I have a tread mill but I hate it. I just can’t seem to make myself walk on it consistently. I loved the elliptical. These last 20 lbs have piled on since I “lost” it. I miss running but know I am no where near ready to put that kind of stress on my legs. Not after the stress fractures last year.
I’m sitting here at my desk now and just feel so useless. I wish I wasn’t so down on myself, but I can’t help it. I spent a lot of money on my hair yesterday, getting the color done and a good cut. And you know what, I don’t look any better. Getting my hair done used to really be a guaranteed boost in my self-confidence. Today - nothing. It almost feels like it was a waste of money. Like nothing I do is going to help. I know that’s crap, but still. It’s how I feel right now. Wah Wah Wah. Whine Whine Whine.
So today, right this second, I am committed to being back on the program. Counting calories, exercising, and getting myself back on track. I should take an post a BEFORE picture. Just as an official “this is where I started” starting point. Something to look back on and see how (hopefully) far I’ve come.
Posted on September 9th, 2011 by firefly
Filed under: daily blathering