So Not Cool

I can feel myself crashing. I feel powerless to stop it. I ended up eating a bunch of crap yesterday: a whole box of crappy cheese crackers from the dollar store that tasted exactly like cheap cheese crackers from the dollar store. Still didn’t stop me from eating the whole damn box! Then a bunch of Mike ‘n Ikes from the candy machine to the point of feeling physically ill. Then I drove through Jack in the Box for a jr bacon cheeseburger, onion rings and those mini churros. All tasted like CRAP (well, ok, except for the jr. bacon cheese burger, that was like heaven!) but the onion rings were awful. Still ate ’em all. And the churros were just not that great. Still ate all of those too. The sad thing is when I was done eating them, it was like “whew, they’re all gone.” I was relieved that I didn’t have to eat any more. How screwed up is that? I could have just NOT eaten them, but no if they were there I had to eat them until they were gone. This is just one of the many reasons why I need to have my head examined!!

I’m in high stress mode. I’ve decided that there is no way to get my house cleaned up “enough” and the landlord is going to kick us all out. Of course, my house isn’t nearly as messy as I’ve decided it is. And there is no way to make it “clean enough” in my mind. I feel like climbing under a rock and just staying there. Forever.

I’m pretty sure I forgot to take my mood stabilizer last night. There’s a chance I might have forgotten it the night before. Or I took a double dose. Or I took it as scheduled. I CANNOT REMEMBER!!

I am officially freaking out. Inside. On the outside, I just look really tired. Like people keep asking me if I’m sleeping ok. Yeah, I guess I don’t look so good. Also, my face is all puffy from gaining like 8 pounds in 4 days. Or more. I sure as hell didn’t weigh myself this morning!!

I had a big bowl of strawberries for breakfast. Well, a 1 lb container, detopped. I didn’t taste all that great by the end. And it hasn’t been sitting well in the tummy. I have a headache. Like a hangover headache, most likely from all the crap I’ve been overloading my body with lately.

It is taking great restraint not to climb under my desk and cry.

I have all the fixin’s for my usual salad upstairs in the fridge. I’m determined to make that my lunch. Period.

I had them put all the candy away. No temptation there.

No crap crackers from the dollar store left here. I should be safe. Also, I am insanely broke right now, so it’s not like I can go buy any. Last night’s trip to Jack in the Box happened because they currently have a 3 for $3 menu. Otherwise, that would have been a no-go. Damn cheap fast food!! No wonder America is fat when I can get a whole meal of high-fat ready to eat crap for a couple of bucks, but fruit and veggies are much more expensive and harder to obtain. There’s no drive-through produce stands (at least, not around here!) I have to buy it, clean it, cut it up and then maybe I get to eat it. And it’s several dollars a pound, and that’s when it’s ON SALE!!

Waaaa Waaaa Waaaa! Somebody call the Waaaamublence!

7 Responses to “So Not Cool”

  1. *BIG HUGS*

    I know you are feeling totally overwhelmed right now- and I say what I say to anyone who feels like they need to cry- JUST DO IT. Cry it out- scream- sob- get it out- and then go back to what you are doing.

    Sometimes we all just need a good cry 🙂

  2. I am so sorry that you are having a really rough go of it right now.
    It will be okay.
    You will get through this.
    It is behind you now if you let it be.
    Do NOT beat yourself up.
    beerab is right get our all of thr emotions cry/scream/yell until you dont have it in you anymore.
    You are awesome! You are doing well despite these few bumps in the road. You will get these from time to time because you are human.

  3. Usually I do not post on blogs, but I would like to say that this article really forced me to do so! Thanks, really nice article.

  4. Can I just say what a relief to find someone who actually knows what theyre talking about on the internet. You definitely know how to bring an issue to light and make it important. More people need to read this and understand this side of the story. I cant believe youre not more popular because you definitely have the gift.

  5. I know it is soooo hard to get back on track once you’ve derailed but YOU CAN DO IT! Back at it today! 😀

  6. Gosh, you did hit a low, didn’t you

    It’s card sometimes when you get that “glass half empty” thinking to stop seeing everything in shades of gray

    But as Sunny points out it is hard – but it is do-able to get back on track. In fact just one good choice puts you on track. No catching up required!

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