Marathon Mom

This week was crazy. Ok, so most of my weeks are crazy. That’s a given. But this week was a bit crazier than the usual. It’s been very stressful getting my grandparents moved into the retirement home. It’s kinda like a sorority house for seniors. It’s very homey and nothing like a nursing home. Even the medical part of the staff dress in regular clothes. However, my grandmother especially does not want to be there. She doesn’t think she belongs there, that she and my grandpa aren’t “that bad”. She can’t remember how to use utensils and will stare at a sandwich trying to figure out how to eat it. I love them both dearly, which is surprising me since they really weren’t very nice people. But they’re my grandparents and so I guess that familial pull is stronger than I expected.

While I was doing a lot of their unpacking, I kept running across pictures of them when they were first married. And it hit me, they used to be young and vibrant and full of life and energy. And now they are shuffling, old and confused. And I feel like bursting into tears because I think it just REALLY hit me that one day in the all too near future, that is going to be me. If I’m lucky enough to live to be 87. My grandpa will turn 88 this month. My great-grandmother (my grandmother’s mom) lived to be 98 and only died because fell when walking and broke her hip and six months later a bloodclot from that leg went to her heart. She was in excellent health, but her mind was gone. And that’s exactly where my grandmother is headed. She still recognizes people… sometimes. My grandpa’s mind is all there, but he has Parkinson’s and it has taken his body. He can hardly walk or speak. He mumbles and is almost impossible to understand. He was never much of a talker anyway, so maybe the combo of Parkinson’s and lack of use. But I noticed my mom today, she’s starting to shake. Just a hint, but there was a definite tremor. She’s 62. She could end up with Parkinson’s and Alzheimers. That is just not fair!!

Anyway, what this mostly has done is really open my eyes. Time is MOVING. I need to make the most of it now!! My marathon days are short and I need to do this while I still can. I didn’t run this week because I didn’t have knee braces (just those ace bandage type things with the little knee opening, I need something to help keep my knee caps from sliding around so much, it’s taking a toll on my shin bones, I can feel then hitting the tops of them and it’s starting to hurt. Also the ligaments on the inner sides of my knee caps have been SORE!) Anyway, I finally went and bought them today. Over $30 for two of them. But if it saves my knees, then I guess its worth it. And I NEED to do this. I need to be able to look back on my life and see that I DID things, didn’t just think about them or talk about them. But DID them.

I look back on my skydiving pictures with pride. I DID it! I look at my 5K ribbon. I did that too.

Now, my weight is UP. Like 25 pounds higher than back in April. And yet, I met one of my son’s friends for the first time the other day and she told him “Your mom is HOT!” Let me tell you, that is nice to hear! I’m not feeling very hot these days, but I’d just gotten my hair done and was feeling “pretty” again and it was just really something I needed to hear. Not necessarily that a teenage girl thinks I’m hot, but that I’m looking pretty good and not looking like the dumpy old mom that I was feeling like a couple of weeks ago. I guarantee you, if she had seen me a month ago, she wouldn’t have said that. Because I felt like crap and I’m sure I was projecting that to the world. I don’t FEEL like crap anymore - I don’t feel like I look my best, but I sure look better than I did two years ago. A LOT better - and I hang on to that.

Plus I have goals and dreams and plans - I have a pretty great future and I’m looking towards it. Life is good. It could be SO much worse. I’m really pretty darn lucky. I’m still in my 30s (just barely!) and I still have more of my life ahead of me than behind me!! THAT is awesome! To realize that over the last couple days has really been a revelation!

Tomorrow I run. I am buying all those healthy foods that my body loves and I should be eating. I am going to resume tracking and counting and working towards that better me that I know is in there somewhere. Paris, here I come!

Posted on August 1st, 2009 by firefly
Filed under: daily blathering