It’s been a very very very very long time

I didn’t even realize this blog would still be up and active. I haven’t posted here in over a year. And it shows. My weight is… 214.6 - Up 50 lbs in a year. Less really. I was right around 200 by Christmas. It’s gone up and down and up and down. And UP. So here I am. Starting all over again. Part of me wonders why bother. It’s so much work. And effort. But then I remember how great I felt at a lower weight. How I could move more and not be so insanely self-conscious. I feel so bad about myself now. Like just totally disgusted with myself. And everytime I look in the mirror I think “what have I done to myself?!” I feel like a big, bloated, blobby mess.

I’m picking up an elliptical tomorrow that I’m buying on Craigslist. I used to have my mom’s but she wanted it back. So now it sits piled under crap in her office. Whatever. I have a tread mill but I hate it. I just can’t seem to make myself walk on it consistently. I loved the elliptical. These last 20 lbs have piled on since I “lost” it. :( I miss running but know I am no where near ready to put that kind of stress on my legs. Not after the stress fractures last year.

I’m sitting here at my desk now and just feel so useless. I wish I wasn’t so down on myself, but I can’t help it. I spent a lot of money on my hair yesterday, getting the color done and a good cut. And you know what, I don’t look any better. Getting my hair done used to really be a guaranteed boost in my self-confidence. Today - nothing. It almost feels like it was a waste of money. Like nothing I do is going to help. I know that’s crap, but still. It’s how I feel right now. Wah Wah Wah. Whine Whine Whine.

So today, right this second, I am committed to being back on the program. Counting calories, exercising, and getting myself back on track. I should take an post a BEFORE picture. Just as an official “this is where I started” starting point. Something to look back on and see how (hopefully) far I’ve come.

Big Changes are in the air

Weight: 167.8

Considering what I’ve been eating lately, I’m grateful its not higher. I’m back in control today, I did a pre-emptive food shopping for the week and I am prepared.

Unfortunately, I’m having to give up the raw vegan lifestyle for now. Even though I LOVED it, I just can’t afford it. It costs minimum $2-3 a day for fruit for breakfast. Whereas, I picked up a loaf of raisin cinnamon bread for $1.50 that will last me all week. My salads were averages a couple of dollars a day too. Plus fruit and veggies for snacks. I figured my daily expenditures were upwards of $7-8 FOR JUST ME!! If I buy a frozen entree ($1) for lunch, a yogurt for a snack ($.50) A can of pringes that will last for several days ($1.00 divided by however many days) that loaf of raisin bread I figured out I can get 8 breakfasts out of ($1.50 divided by 8) and well, I’m spending around $2 a DAY! And the calories, the same as with all the expensive fruit. One thing that surprised me: Banquet frozen entrees are almost always on sale for a $1 each (today they were buy four get one free, so I got 5 for $4!!!) but I have never bought them in the past because I always buy the Lean Cuisine or Healthy Choice or whatever. Well, I looked at the calorie content and its EXACTLY THE SAME as the more expensive “diet” brands!! I’m sure it’s probably higher in fat, but really??? Same exact calories? I feel like I’ve been ripped off all these years!

Ok, so the reason for super tightening the financial belt. After nearly a year of deliberating, I’ve finally made the decision to move. To Minnesota. I know, sounds crazy. But the cost of living out here is insane and my parents’ businesses are slowly going under. My mom pays my insanely high rent as part of my salary, but I have a feeling the day is going to come in the not too distant future when she’s going to tell me that they just can’t afford it anymore and I need to move to a cheaper place. Or worse, in with her and my stepdad. Which isn’t horrible since they have a huge house with a full apartment built in downstairs. But moving back in with my parents at my age with the kids… just not something I’m willing to do at this point. Also, I work for my mom (and help out with my stepdad’s business too. When I say my parents, I mean both of them. My father is deceased.) As her business is sinking, she’s having to lay off more and more people. I’m worried that she’ll delay closing it altogether in part because she’s worried about me having a job. I don’t want me to be a consideration. She and my stepdad need to do what is in their best interests financially. I don’t want them to further jeopardize their financial health out of a sense of obligation and responsibility to me.

And it’s time. It’s time for me to move on and stand completely on my own two feet again. I was here far longer than I anticipated. For a long time I felt trapped here. Part of it was that I promised my two oldest that once we moved here, we wouldn’t move again until they had graduated. That they would get to graduate from their high school with their friends. My daughter graduated last year and my son graduates on Friday. My third child starts high school next year. It’s the perfect timing for him. He is slated to go to a different high school from most of his friends, so he’d be starting over anyway in some respects.

One of my very best girlfriends lives there and she has sort of sold me on it. I need a cheap place to live and it definitely qualifies. I get child support for my two youngest, which gives me a base income to live on. We could get by with me working a part-time job. So I could be home when the kids are home. Sean has struggled this year, it’s getting worse each year. He’s fallen so far behind he has no hope of catching up unless I do something drastic. My friend’s son is also autistic and he is flourishing in their school system. Sean needs me at home. They all do. Even my 14 year old is on board for moving if it means I’ll be home more. That’s huge!!

I haven’t told my family yet. I feel it’s safe to do so here since I don’t know any of your IRL. But if you are one of my friends on Facebook, please don’t post anything on my wall just yet. I won’t making a formal announcement until early July. I’m aiming the move for the last week of August since they don’t start school there until September 7th (I think, from their website calendar. I’m waiting to hear from my friend to confirm this.) So now I just need to save up money to pay for the move, sell off most of my belongings so I don’t have to drag them more than half way across the country, find a job, find a house to rent, break it to my older kids who very well may chose to not come with me, tell my mom who may totally freak out, wrap up my job at work, and learn how to embrace the snow… which I hate! I do plan on making many trips to the beach this summer and to my parents’ pool. Soak it all in while we can.

I feel really good about this, though. It’s the right move at the right time. I’m mentally and emotionally ready. The fact that my 14 year old is being very positive about it seals the deal for me. He was my biggest worry and he’s totally into it. He hates leaving his friends and wishes we could stay, but totally understands why we can’t. Also, I told him we’d get a dog when we get there! Hey, I’m not above bribes! Every rental I’ve tentatively looked at says “pets ok”. And I’ve been told over and over again that a dog is really good for autistic kids, like a therapy animal. And since Sean isn’t severely allergic (like he is to cats) then a dog is going to happen! Oy vey!!

Good news!

Weight: don’t know yet, I’ll weigh in a bit and update then

But I just wanted to say THANK YOU everyone! I am feeling much better today. I’m not 100% sure if it’s the lack of crap food yesterday or that I really had forgotten my mood stabilizer for two days and finally remembered to take it last night. But whatever it is, I woke up feeling a thousand times better this morning, much more positive and optimistic for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Circumstances haven’t changed one iota. Yet I just feel like everything is fine. No worries! I am back to my old “self” again. So I’m definitely going to stay on track with both the diet and meds. I really don’t want to experiment to figure out which it is, I like how I feel right now.

Except for a slightly upset stomach. And I think that’s my body still trying to detox out all the crap food I ate all holiday weekend (and Tuesday)! I had my fruit for breakfast, salad for lunch and dried fruit at the movies last night. I did have two handfuls of pretzels as an afternoon snack, but compared to what I had been eating I am putting that in the healthfood box! And besides, I had needed to take some meds for the migraine I was developing and I needed something fairly solid in my stomach, and that’s what I had available. So I went with it. Calorie and fat wise, totally no problem.

I’m still in cleaning mode which means I’m doing that in place of exercise due to time constraints. But I’m ok with that. That should change tomorrow. I’m just about done.

Oh AND my sleep is back to normal. I woke up at 5 this morning (alarm set for 6) even though I didn’t go to sleep til about 10:30 last night. No Advil PM! I haven’t taken any since last week. Finally, I’m back to sleeping peacefully all night without bizarre dreams. Well, except for one. I dreamed last night that I woke up this morning and got all the cleaning done I needed to before work. Then I woke up and realized I still had to do it all!! That sucked! LOL!!

Blackberries and cherries are on sale!! I got to pick up lots of both! YAY!!! So I get to have a big bowl of strawberries, blackberries and cherries this morning for brekkie!! And I’m going to throw some more in the freezer so that I can start back in with the green smoothies soon. I sure wish bananas would go on sale! 79 cents a pound is just pricey, and we go through a LOT of bananas! Though they’re still cheaper than just about anything else, if you think about it! But if they ever go on sale, I am going to stock UP! I peel and half them and throw them in the freezer - all ready for smoothies!! Most of my fruit gets the same treatment. Then I don’t have to use ice in the smoothies, the frozen fruits acts like that!

Ok, well I guess I better get up and cleaning. Make my own dreams come true! LOL!! I’ll update later.

So Not Cool

I can feel myself crashing. I feel powerless to stop it. I ended up eating a bunch of crap yesterday: a whole box of crappy cheese crackers from the dollar store that tasted exactly like cheap cheese crackers from the dollar store. Still didn’t stop me from eating the whole damn box! Then a bunch of Mike ‘n Ikes from the candy machine to the point of feeling physically ill. Then I drove through Jack in the Box for a jr bacon cheeseburger, onion rings and those mini churros. All tasted like CRAP (well, ok, except for the jr. bacon cheese burger, that was like heaven!) but the onion rings were awful. Still ate ‘em all. And the churros were just not that great. Still ate all of those too. The sad thing is when I was done eating them, it was like “whew, they’re all gone.” I was relieved that I didn’t have to eat any more. How screwed up is that? I could have just NOT eaten them, but no if they were there I had to eat them until they were gone. This is just one of the many reasons why I need to have my head examined!!

I’m in high stress mode. I’ve decided that there is no way to get my house cleaned up “enough” and the landlord is going to kick us all out. Of course, my house isn’t nearly as messy as I’ve decided it is. And there is no way to make it “clean enough” in my mind. I feel like climbing under a rock and just staying there. Forever.

I’m pretty sure I forgot to take my mood stabilizer last night. There’s a chance I might have forgotten it the night before. Or I took a double dose. Or I took it as scheduled. I CANNOT REMEMBER!!

I am officially freaking out. Inside. On the outside, I just look really tired. Like people keep asking me if I’m sleeping ok. Yeah, I guess I don’t look so good. Also, my face is all puffy from gaining like 8 pounds in 4 days. Or more. I sure as hell didn’t weigh myself this morning!!

I had a big bowl of strawberries for breakfast. Well, a 1 lb container, detopped. I didn’t taste all that great by the end. And it hasn’t been sitting well in the tummy. I have a headache. Like a hangover headache, most likely from all the crap I’ve been overloading my body with lately.

It is taking great restraint not to climb under my desk and cry.

I have all the fixin’s for my usual salad upstairs in the fridge. I’m determined to make that my lunch. Period.

I had them put all the candy away. No temptation there.

No crap crackers from the dollar store left here. I should be safe. Also, I am insanely broke right now, so it’s not like I can go buy any. Last night’s trip to Jack in the Box happened because they currently have a 3 for $3 menu. Otherwise, that would have been a no-go. Damn cheap fast food!! No wonder America is fat when I can get a whole meal of high-fat ready to eat crap for a couple of bucks, but fruit and veggies are much more expensive and harder to obtain. There’s no drive-through produce stands (at least, not around here!) I have to buy it, clean it, cut it up and then maybe I get to eat it. And it’s several dollars a pound, and that’s when it’s ON SALE!!

Waaaa Waaaa Waaaa! Somebody call the Waaaamublence!

Up, but definitely not OUT!

Weight: ugh… 166

Yeah, I know. This is what happens when you spend three days eating hot dogs, pretzel bites with cheese, ice cream and chips. Oh, I think I had an Eggo in there too. And a couple of diet cokes with rum. It was a good weekend! :D

But now, I must pay for my play. I have to lose those same 5 lbs all over again. The five pounds that took me almost two weeks to lose, and 3 days to gain. Life is SO UNFAIR!!

I started out with a big bowl of strawberries. In a bit I’m going to have my usual salad: spinach, avocado, lime juice, tomato and chopped red onion. It is GOOD!

I had some dehydrated veggies as a little snack a bit ago. I didn’t make them, a friend brought them in. She picked them up at a health food store so I’m hoping they are ok. I only had a small handful, regardless.

Oh, I had a small banana for breakfast too. And I’ll have another one as an afternoon snack. Dinner? I haven’t gotten that far yet. I’m pretty broke until payday on Thursday, so I may just be skipping dinner. I sure don’t need it!!

Exercise has been less than zero. I was going to be swimming yesterday (in my new suit!) but it was cold and overcast and that was not happening (I stayed inside and watch The Mummy trilogy instead!) That didn’t stop the kids, though. They were in that pool most of the day. Crazy kids!!

I have some major housecleaning to do before my landlord comes over “one night this week” to check out all our plumbing because he has a plumber coming to his house and he wants to see if we have any issues so that way he can kill two birds with one stone and hopefully save some $$. I told him our plumbing was fine, but he wants to climb under the sinks and really check it all out. Awesome. My house is a mess and now I have some serious deep cleaning to do since under sinks is where I usually stash crap!! Not fun! So that will be my exercise for the next few days. That and stress.

You can call me Quasi for short!

Weight: 158.4

Weight is pretty much holding steady, but as we all know from the Biggest Loser, weightloss isn’t linear. Some weeks are huge and others are almost nothing or even a slight gain. But you have to keep going cause eventually even the most stubborn plateau will break.

Today I am wearing a pair of size 10 denim shorts that two weeks ago I could barely squeeze into. Now they are loose and actually sitting low on my hips. Another couple of weeks and I won’t be able to wear them at all!

I bought a swimsuit set yesterday. A tankini top and a very sporty little swim skirt! It looks just like those popular running skirts. And I LOVE it! It’s so cute! I “may” post a picture here. Maybe. I’m not sure the internet is ready for that just yet. But I’m not horribly embarrassed in it and the girls actually feel pretty secure even though it doesn’t have an underwire. I couldn’t find a single bathing suit at Kohl’s with an underwire. Very frustrating! But they were having a HUGE sale AND the separates were actually decently priced AND I had an additional 15% off coupon which means that I got both swimsuit pieces, a pair of super cute earrings AND a pair of black wedge-style flipflops with beads on them for under $40!!! Usually a proper bathingsuit for me is over $60 at Macy’s or Nordstroms. I can’t get one at Target or Walmart because they don’t care anything even remotely appropriate (or the ones that do fit are like old granny swimsuits - SO ugly and unflattering!!) I have weird bathingsuit needs. I have short shoulders or something weird like that, so the straps HAVE to be adjustable cause I crank ‘em all the way up just to fit properly. Then I’m short waisted, so the torso part is usually too long, which is why I have to get separates. And my top and bottom are like 4 sizes apart! No joke! Which is why dresses are impossible too.

Well, that was fun! LOL!! Now you all know how much of a freak I am. Awesome! Just call me Quasimodo!

Just a Quickie

Weight: 158.6

Things have been a bit hectic. Kids only have two more weeks of school and between multiple graduations, class parties, end of year field trips and a daughter who flew off to another state for a week, my cup overfloweth!

So I’m hurrying and scurrying and don’t have time for much else. Especially since I’m still getting my exercise in. Sunshine therapy has been mostly a no-go due to an absentee sun!! And I’m pretty sure I’ve somehow woken up in Forks. I’m on the lookout for vampires!

The whole raw vegan thing is going along swimmingly (haha!!) I’m still doing the fruit for breakfast, salad for lunch thing. Dinner is usually some bananas or whatnot. I haven’t had a green smoothie for a while now because I’ve been out of fruit at home. And my greens are now withering. Dammit!

Anyway, that’s it so far. The scale continues it’s descent and I’m grateful. I’ve now officially lost 20 lbs since we’ve been back from the cruise. YAY! Next weekend (June 6th) my niece is having her little 7 year old birthday party at my parent’s house - a luau themed swim party. I will be buying a bathing suit for this. My first in like over 20 years. Well, I’ve bought them before but then refused to wear them! Not this time. I’m going to get a cute one at Kohl’s and WEAR IT. WITHOUT A GIANT T-SHIRT OVER IT! I know, totally monumental.

Gotta run. Work to be done!

Biggest Loser Finale!

No weigh in this morning. I have to get the littles off to school by myself now that my oldest daughter is off visiting friends in another state! I depend on her a lot!

I have plans per usual today. Breakfast of fruit. Big salad for a late lunch. I need to get some snacks in there. I’m aiming for zero cashews! LOL - interesting goal, I know!!

I want some sunshine therapy, but a major storm is due in today. I’m just not sure exactly when. I’ll try to get the walk in early, maybe I can beat the storm.

I can’t believe the Biggest Loser season finale is tonite! I’m so excited it’s almost pathetic!! And then Jillian’s new show premieres next week. It should be awesome! And no Biggest Loser withdrawals. That’s the best!!

Guess I better get moving!

A big Woot! Woot!!

Weight: 159.6

Oh YEAH!! I am feeling fabulous!! I’m now only 15 lbs above my lowest weight! Fifteen pounds is manageable. And I now have less than 50 to lose til my goal weight. I am starting to fit back into my clothes (size 6s are still a good 10+ pounds away. Bummer!) I had to give my daughter all my just barely purchased cruise clothes cause they are all too big now!

I am so glad that I finally decided to try the raw vegan diet. I love it!! It’s a perfect fit for me. No cravings, other than for things like cashews and celery with hummus! I’m not even tempted by cookies or french fries, at least not yet. I’m sure that may change. And eventually I will eat something like that. But not every day. Just once in a while. And that is perfect. All things in moderation and whatnot.

I worked out on the elliptical both last night and this morning. Sunshine therapy is a no-go today because I had to drive my daughter to the SF airport right during the middle of the day. But I’ll get some in tomorrow for sure!

Just a quickie

Weight: 160.6

I wasn’t sure if I was going to update today or not, but I figured what the heck, I’ll take a minute. I’ll try to get a better update in later, if I get the chance.

I’m hoping when I check in tomorrow, it’s with a 150-something!!! That may be hoping for too much, but a girl can dream! I’ve already shrunk out of all my cruise clothes. I’ve lost nearly 20 lbs since I got back!!

So my confession for yesterday is that I didn’t eat anything. At all. I didn’t mean to skip, it just happened. I started on a new med Friday and it has killed my appetite. I’m not nauseous, than goodness, but I just don’t fell like eating. And nothing really sounds or tastes that good. So, I’m going to struggle with this for a while. I’m more tired than usual, but not non-functioning. At least, not yet. Unfortunately, one of the less common side effects is a urinary tract infection and as of this morning, I’m pretty sure I’ve got one developing. I’ve had them before so I’m familiar with the less than pleasant symptoms. I’m going to stock up on cranberry juice. However, I have a feeling I’ll probably have to pay a visit to the doc sometime this week. BLEH! Not fun.

I didn’t workout yesterday cause I just wasn’t feelin’ it. And I opted to sleep in this morning too. But I’ll be hitting the elliptical when I get home from work tonite. And definitely first thing tomorrow morning. My oldest is flying to Utah tomorrow for a friend’s graduation. She hasn’t been back since we moved in 2006. It’ll be the first time she’s ever traveled anywhere alone. It’ll be good for her. She needs to get more confidence and independence. This will be a good start.

Well, gotta run. Good news is I ate today. Too many cashews at work. Damn, they’re addictive!