Learning to Love Myself

i keep thinking how i need to lose weight, i need to stop eating fast food, i need to keep track of calories-fat-sodium, i need to start exercising…

i know how to do all of this. i’m a guru on what i should be doing. now is the time to put it together. it’s time to buckle under and do this.

i have quit smoking. i konw that is a big step. i had a sinus infection bout 2 weeks ago and i still can’t seem to breath when i exert myself. i’m talking walking up steps, walking a short distance too fast.

i’m not sure if i should be concerned or if i’m just that out of shape….which is VERY possible.

so, my plan of attack is to evaluate the quality of my foods, because i do still buy healthy foods (with a few oops here and there) and create healthy menus. i will also start a walking program on my treadmill (even though i hate treadmills).

my motivation is to be 20-30 lbs lighter by my birthday, may 30. i had previously set a goal of being 130 lbs (?) by my 40th birthday. it should have been easy to meet this goal with the amount of time i gave myself, but i haven’t even applied myself for more than the first month after setting this.

my upcoming weekend is 3 days. i want to walk on 2 of those days. nothing spectacular, just walking. i hope to walk 2x before that.

i also hope to work on my drawing, which i have not for over 3 weeks…ugh!

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in the past when i’ve come back here, it was to tell whomever was reading how things were going. i realize that this does not matter. i don’t care who reads my writings and i don’t care what anyone thinks about my writings. this is for me. whether i lose weight, gain it, hand around the same 5 pounds…i don’t care. i often feel the need to write so i can get the noise out of my head. sometimes it is cohesive, but usually makes no sense to anyone except me, so i feel the need to explain which makes me not want to write cause i’m defeating the purpose of this…ugh!

so one to my writings for me….

hummus, multi-grain mini sandwich bread, apples, pears, tomatoes, lean hamburgers in freezer, cheeses, frozen veggies, caned beans, chik and beef broth, instant brown rices, frozen chicken breast.

breakfasts: oatmeal (ick)

i don’t feel like cooking…i am sooo tired lately. i am disheartened and bored with my food choices. sock of looking for recipes. want to exercise, but can’t find the energy. need to get multi-vitamins again, but only once i get the money. HAVE TO improve my health. almost completely quit smoking. have to make mother quit freakin calling me. she drains the absolute life out of me. she’s old with no friends and bored. so she constantly calls me. i could be rude, but she has loaned me over $600 in past 2 months-i just can’t do it, but good grief!!! i would rather file bankruptcy than have to listen to lonely old lady stories….ugh!

talking/listening to her now….AAAAAAAARGH! i want to throw the f’in phone against the wall. she doesn’t quit talking, she doesn’t ask if your busy or doing something or if i have time to talk. no…she starts and doesn’t quit. GO AWAY!!!!!

screw this, can’t concentrate. i’m done….

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it’s been a long time since i have posted any thoughts, feelings or weight stuff. everything has been put ‘on hold’. i’m not gonna go into it, but the whole ‘mom thing’ has gotten worse. both her health, mind and attitude. there is another family member that has serious health issues at the moment and there is a lot of focus from everyone there, also.

i’m not so much depressed as i am numb. there are times when i want to eat a lot and other times i have to be reminded by my growling stomach to eat. same pattern goes for smoking and drinking. i do then i don’t. i’m really trying to get into exercise. even if it’s a walk on the treadmill for 10 minutes. but life and it’s effects continually gets in my way.

life stress and economical stress are taking a toll on my body. aches and pains are popping up all over. i’m always hurting. i try to get out with friends from time to time which adds a stress on my pocketbook. i have a friend that i’m doing a charcoal portrait for as soon as i get with him to get the pick and give him a price. this will help. and i’m trying to find other people who would like and can pay for portraits since that’s the only other thing i can do at the moment.

anyway, just some random thoughts and complaints so that i don’t get on my friends nerves anymore about the same ole’ shit.

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i feel kinda calm and relaxed at the moment. it’s because i moved some furniture around in my computer room while cleaning so it feels new and fresh. i would love to go through my whole house and move things and trash the crap laying all over the place. there is little storage in this house and it looks cluttered. granted, there is a lot of stuff that i really don’t know why i’m hanging onto it. and a lot of stuff that i keep meaning to get to.

anyway, i’ve been feeling overwhelmed again. more so than usual. let’s recap:

• job stress
• mom stress
• economic/financial stress
• worry about the future and what i’ll be doing for a career-do i continue in my field which means i will HAVE to get a bachelor’s OR focus on learning something new and different which i actually love
• trying to lose weight and eat right
• trying to quit smoking
• need to start exercising
• trying to read 3-4 books at the same time, some instructional some fiction
• trying to save money for house repairs

and the daily stress that comes and goes on top of this…haha! i keep hoping for a bread-down so someone else can worry and take care of me. and yes, this is all about me, because there is only me. i don’t have a ’significant other’. i have friends, but some have kids (which is hard to plan around) and others are very busy with their own lives. so lets add lonely on top of it all. jeez. sometimes i think all of it would be easier if i had that ’special someone’ in my life. but i guess it could be another problem.

i know, i’m whining. i should think about the things i have. a job, a house, all my bills are up to date, i’m alive…things like that. but when do i get ahead so i can relax? how long do i take care of my mom? (she doesn’t live with me cause one of us would be dead by now…(humor about our bad relationship) when the hell does ‘happy’ come into my life. what do i have to do to find it? i can’t turn my back on all i have to do, but how do i make time for me?

i dunno. i guess i’m just venting or making mental notes physical so i can sort through them. i know i’m not special by any means in the stress department. others have way worse problems than me. but i’ve been going through this for a while and i’m ready for a change. soooo ready. i guess it’s up to me and i have to decide how sick i am of my current situation to make that change. i need a plan, not excuses.

i think i’ll go clean some more. for now, that makes me happy.

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