I’ve been away for awhile, and it’s just because I’ve been overwhelmed these last few weeks. I’ve spent a good amount of time reflecting on my first assignment of bringing down the bricks in my wall, and honestly, the only thing that keeps me turning to snack-time is serious stress. It’s amplified stress linked in a series of bricks, and this chain has been so powerful, that I haven’t even had time to write on my own blog because I’ve been so overwhelmed. I’m not saying that just writing about being overwhelmed and the associated feelings I’m having with this is going to make it all go away, but I’m hoping that acknowledging it for what it is will take away some of it’s emotional power over me, and maybe I won’t go for a third beer before I’m done writing this segment.
The linked bricks: excessive responsibility, pressure, exhaustion, burden, stress, inferiority
You might have guessed from reading my earlier posts that I’m not getting any help with my son. His father knows about him, but despite my best efforts, the father made no attempt to come around until my son was 1.5 years old. Turns out he was married, had just gotten divorced, had a daughter my son’s age, and only wanted to meet his son if there was a potential for a hook-up. What???? You only want to meet your son if the mother is “on-board?” Yuck!! Creep! Glad I never pursued paternity! Stay away!! So I have a little more responsibility financially than the average single parent.
Every decision I make has to count. I just don’t have any wriggle room. I got out of the military so I wouldn’t be a deploying single parent, but I didn’t have a degree in anything that would provide the same kind of income outside the military. Anthropology…try doing something with that. As the best wage earner in my family, I’m also going to be the provider for my parents when they reach old age because sure as shit they aren’t planning a retirement. They borrow money from us. So, back to school for a more advanced degree. I have all the pressures of a normal doctoral candidate student who has to get those straight A’s in every subject coupled with financial pressures of a single parent.
Burden. I’ll tell you what’s a burden. A burden is going from your own parking space to walking a million miles across campus to get to class like the rest of the dogs. Burden is getting your kiddo to and from preschool when all the other students just have to get their asses to class. It’s getting up at 0530 to get to an 0830 class. Homework is a burden when it’s family time. Everything after 6pm and on the weekends belongs to my kid. Burden is giving money to an institution to make me do work when I’m used to being paid to do work.
Stress….Just running a household and life falls in this one. It’s like adding an extra little exponent in the scientific notation (that’s my school nerd shining through…LOL). My son’s yogurt ran out today. Sometime before preschool Friday I have to get him more. And study for a chemistry test.
Inferiority. At first glance this one may seem not to belong here, but it does. I came into school with confidence. I’ve been a lot of places in the world, I already have a degree, and unlike most the students I’m in school with, I know what the world…and the working career world…is like outside the walls of academia. I have shoes that have walked in more countries than most of the “learned” professors at my university. But I don’t have the edge in the academic environment. Not anymore. And when I ask a question to something I don’t quite understand….because it’s been ten fucking years since I’ve seen such and such concept….other students and student-instructors give me that “oh, you poor idiot, why are you even here” look. It’s clear that I am some sort of abomination in their class. It’s almost as if I’ve been dropped in another country where no one speaks English. You could be Einstein, but if you were suddenly dropped in the middle of Africa, they’d all treat you like a fucking idiot until you learned their language…and that’s exactly what’s happening to me right now.
Exhaustion…Need I say more?
Good night ladies!!