July 4th, 2009
Sorry, but you are looking for something that isn’t here.
Funny to turn to my own website and find that I’m not there. I wonder where I am? I wonder if what’s missing is myself, or something that I wish I was, or something that I’m not any more.
I want to use a metaphor, but I keep returning to cliché: that life is a tapestry, that life is a tangled web. Maybe it started off as a tapestry and then all the wefts got warped and the warps got Worfed. All I know is that if life is made up of fibre, then the golden, indestructable threads are love, and despite my mad, bad and confusing behaviour lately, I’ve been given love, even from those whom I treated badly. A personal note tucked into a newsletter, a sympathetic email, a note on FaceBook, a card with a thoughtful message. You have all helped me hang on. You have woven a thread for me to follow back into the real world.
I am shored up by the comfort of friends who are outside of all this, and who remind me that the world has continued to go on, despite me having a misery fit and a dummy spit and a sulk, and time spent sitting with my back to everything, contemplating the way two walls come together to make a corner.
It’s been hard for my friends to understand what happened, it’s hard for me to understand it. All I know now, as I come out onto the other side (and I think I am through it now) is that I do have friends and in all of this, they are what’s helped me.
I am brought home by the uncompromising love and support of Beloved, the cheerful company of Poss, the crazy contemplative meanderings of Radio Boy.
It’s late afternoon as I write this. Beloved is resting up before his annual commitment of insane devotion to his bike: a midnight to dawn trek called The Icicle Ride. Poss and BF have gone for coffee, and Radio Boy, who is visiting this weekend, has gone to see a movie with his new GF. I am alone at the kitchen table with the sound of the dishwasher and the little bell on the collar of the new cat. This cat is a stray who followed Radio Boy home one night. He’s brought her here, and Poss has claimed that this will be her cat (but guess who’s paying for the vet fees.) I’m wearing the very cute new pixie-looking hoodie that I bought at the market I visited with RB this morning, and I’m drinking tea.
A light drizzle is falling and the sunlight is slanting in under the clouds so I think there is a rainbow somewhere. I can’t see it, but I suspect it’s all around me and that it always has been.
November 9th, 2008
Hi everyone and apologies for the looooong delay between blogs. We got back from our bushwalk on Sunday and home to slow internet. We’d breached our cap and got slowed down from nice friendly broadband to, well, slow. Don’t know how we managed to use 24 gb so quickly, but Beloved and I are casting suspicious glances at Radio Boy, who was here for a week, and BF. The power of both of them combined was more than our paltry 24 gig could handle.
We did have a lovely time on our bushwalk, although it was a reminder of just how fragile the bush is and I scare myself when I think too much about global warming. Mt Hotham, where we had our walk, suffered bushfires a couple of years ago. Here you can see the extent of the damage – barren hillsides, so much more bleak when the plants don’t have the epicormic layer under their bark.
The first night we stayed at Edmonsond’s Hut. Huts in the high country aren’t designed for people to actually sleep in them, they are really emergency accommodation for if there’s a real bad storm or blizzard. They’re very cozy and the three we visited were all in cute little gullies with trees around them. These snowgums have recovered a bit from the fires. They’re not fast growing like bluegums, but you can see that their roots survived and they’re putting up new growth from the bottom up.
We camped near the hut – plenty of clear, flat spaces as bushwalkers tend to congregate near huts. I was surprised also that all of the huts we visited had toilet facilities! Last time I bushwalked was long ago, and I’d only ever encountered one hut with a dunny (official Australian word for toilet, especially one that isn’t plumbed in). It was far more salubrious than going behind a tree – but I think that’s probably more information than you needed anyway. That’s the Edmonsond’s Hut dunny you can see in the background behind Beloved.
You don’t encounter a lot of animals in the Aussie bush. They’re mostly shy and nocturnal. We walked past about a zillion millipedes but I didn’t take their photo because it’s too bloody hard to bend down and take a photo when you’ve got a 15kg pack on your back. I took this one of the beetle though because it’s so shiny and ya gotta love shiny stuff. I was really pleased with this one because up close you can see his wings unfolding.
At Roper’s hut I took this one of a big, fat skink. Love those little lizards. Brian saw…a rabbit. How exciting, we walk all that way and encounter vermin. See more native animals at home. I guess because our local wallabies aren’t so shy. In the hut books we read that the rangers had been fox baiting. I hope they are doing something about the rabbits too, because if they wipe out the foxes it means even more rabbits about the place.
This is where we camped at Ropers Hut on the second night. Actually, that’s not true. This is where we put our tent on the second night. We decided that since nobody else was around, we’d break all the rules and sleep in the hut. Oh, yeah, that’s when I saw my only native mammal for the trip: a rat. Funny little thing, running down the wall. I don’t know what it found to nibble on all night, but it was very busy.
The original hut got burnt down in the bushfires, and a new one is about halfway built. It was probably my worst night’s sleep of all time, because that floor was very hard and the hut warmed up real well from the stove, and the rats kept crunching and nibbling on whatever it was they had stashed away there. In the morning we had breakfast on the stove there.
That’s my billy on my little camp stove. There’s nothing as good as the smoky taste of billy tea with a touch of eucalyptus in it.
There was a little bit of snow on the hills, but no spring dump. It just keeps getting dryer and dryer here.
I guess I’m kind of in denial about not having lost much weight these past few weeks. The walk was fairly long over the three days. 2km on the first day, about 8 on the second and about 12 on the third. Not exactly a marathon effort, but hard enough, especially when you’re lugging around the kind of excess baggage I do! But I keep telling myself that things will only get better from here. Especially once I get control of myself and stop eating lollies and stuff, which I have been a bit lately.
I’m going in for my next injection of saline on Thursday so hoping that will really help with a bit more weightloss coming up to Christmas.
The real good thing, though was that Christmas dress. I think I may have mentioned the Christmas dress on this blog before. I bought it to wear on Christmas day last year. Just a plain cotton dress with buttons up the front. Well, fortunately I’d also bought a nice t-shirt and leggings to wear under it (you never know if Christmas is going to be hot or cold in Melbourne) because I could not get that thing buttoned up. I mean, there was a good 2″ gap of ME between the buttons and the button holes.
Well, last week I put that dress on and I buttoned it up. It was a little on the firm side, but the buttons weren’t going to burst. Beloved said it looked nice, but he says all my stuff looks nice. This is because he does not have a deathwish.
Anyway, it feels good to be back. Now I’m going to visit all your blogs and catch up.
Oh, and I just want to whisper “Thank you” to the voting citizens of the United States of America – thank you for the nice birthday present. Yeah, my birthday was the 4th of November. Great present, everyone, and I mean that.
October 26th, 2008
Hadn’t realised it had been so long since my last post. Funny how you can get so busy doing pretty much nothing. I was proofreading the latest issue of Page Seventeen for Editor. Time has been a little short for her since she had her third baby, just a couple of weeks before the anthy was due to go to the printers. It was fun helping out though, and I got to read a heap of really good stories, as well as placate my urge to edit.
Aside from that, I’d won a children’s writing competition. Prize included an introduction to a publisher, so I was in a hurry to get the first three chapters of my book polished and off to the publisher before she completely forgot who I was and why I thought I had any right to her precious time. Then there was work, of course, which really hasn’t been very busy.
Thanks to the whole financial meltdown, no one really wants to be spending their hard-earned dollars on movies. Particularly since some of them are bloody awful. If you do want to see a good one and enjoy a bit of black comedy, though, I can highly recommend Burn After Reading. It’s hilarious. Saw Eagle Eye today, because I do love Billy Bob, but it’s a bit of a stretch. I mean, those people who went for a bit of a swim in the liquid nitrogen tank, and then hopped out again to foil the evil computer – mmm, not so convincing.
I’m writing this blog on my new computer. It was supposed to be a birthday present, but my birthday isn’t until Tuesday week, so I guess I won’t get a pressie on that day. Beloved just couldn’t wait for me to play with my new toy. It’s heaps faster than my old mini, a MacBook. One of the cute little white ones, not the sexy new silver ones. I loved the way I could just plug my old puter into it and they just talked amongst themselves and got all my data crossed over while I went off and did other stuff.
At the moment, the weightloss is just going along. Haven’t lost much weight, but I do notice that I’m not particularly hungry. I have to shore up my loins and really do something constructive about exercise. I’m going to blame the weather at the moment. Waiting and waiting for the spring rains, but I just don’t think they’re going to come this year. I doubt that I’ll even get my birthday thunderstorm (I was born during a thunderstorm which blacked out the hosptial. Probably the only time in my life I’ve ever made much of an entrance.)
The good news is that Doc has taken me off the anti depressant medication! I’m excited and a bit scared and I’m writing again a little bit and getting some of the old passion back.
Wanted to comment on the header I’ve got for today’s blog. You know, I was always the Good Girl. The one who cleaned her plate (and then got dessert.) The one who ate everything, even drank her baby sister’s bottle of formula. I had a strategy for plate cleaning: save the best for last. Eat the beans (yucky) first and then go onto the mashed potato (with a well of melted butter in the middle) and save that fatty chop tail for last. All that greasy meat, mmmmmmmmm
So, aside from no longer even buying the kind of chops that have tails, or having wells of butter in my mashed potato, I eat the good stuff first. The tasty yummy stuff. Because now I have a limited amount of room and I want to feel happy with what I eat, so I’m not going to clean my plate, shovelling down the yucky stuff first so that I can force down the good stuff and hold it there and hold it there and stretch my stomach all out of shape. These days I leave stuff on my plate. It makes the dog happy. It makes Boris the chook happy. It makes the bokashi happy. It makes me happy.
I hope I get to blog again before my birthday, but it’s going to be a busy week. You see, Beloved and I are going bushwalking. And my birthday is on a very special day: the first Tuesday in November. Yes, that very special day when we all turn to the TV and wonder who the winner is going to be…of the Melbourne Cup, one of the biggest horse races in the world. People in Melbourne have a day off work. They’ll be at barbecues but they’ll come inside to watch the race on TV. People at work will have the race on their computer screens or gather round the office TV. Students sitting their university exams will look up as the teacher writes the place getters’ names on the white board. All the roses will be in bloom at Flemington and the nation will stop in the afternoon, wish me a happy birthday, and hope their horse comes home.
Heh. You thought I was going to mention something else about the 4th of November, didn’t you?