July 4th, 2009
Sorry, but you are looking for something that isn’t here.
Funny to turn to my own website and find that I’m not there. I wonder where I am? I wonder if what’s missing is myself, or something that I wish I was, or something that I’m not any more.
I want to use a metaphor, but I keep returning to cliché: that life is a tapestry, that life is a tangled web. Maybe it started off as a tapestry and then all the wefts got warped and the warps got Worfed. All I know is that if life is made up of fibre, then the golden, indestructable threads are love, and despite my mad, bad and confusing behaviour lately, I’ve been given love, even from those whom I treated badly. A personal note tucked into a newsletter, a sympathetic email, a note on FaceBook, a card with a thoughtful message. You have all helped me hang on. You have woven a thread for me to follow back into the real world.
I am shored up by the comfort of friends who are outside of all this, and who remind me that the world has continued to go on, despite me having a misery fit and a dummy spit and a sulk, and time spent sitting with my back to everything, contemplating the way two walls come together to make a corner.
It’s been hard for my friends to understand what happened, it’s hard for me to understand it. All I know now, as I come out onto the other side (and I think I am through it now) is that I do have friends and in all of this, they are what’s helped me.
I am brought home by the uncompromising love and support of Beloved, the cheerful company of Poss, the crazy contemplative meanderings of Radio Boy.
It’s late afternoon as I write this. Beloved is resting up before his annual commitment of insane devotion to his bike: a midnight to dawn trek called The Icicle Ride. Poss and BF have gone for coffee, and Radio Boy, who is visiting this weekend, has gone to see a movie with his new GF. I am alone at the kitchen table with the sound of the dishwasher and the little bell on the collar of the new cat. This cat is a stray who followed Radio Boy home one night. He’s brought her here, and Poss has claimed that this will be her cat (but guess who’s paying for the vet fees.) I’m wearing the very cute new pixie-looking hoodie that I bought at the market I visited with RB this morning, and I’m drinking tea.
A light drizzle is falling and the sunlight is slanting in under the clouds so I think there is a rainbow somewhere. I can’t see it, but I suspect it’s all around me and that it always has been.