How to start loving myself: A step by step guide to faking it til’ I make it ;)

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m amazingly beautiful or the most kindhearted person in the world, but I don’t “hate” myself either. I do love that I love whole-heartedly; I do love my smile; I do love my hair (at times); I do love that I always want to be better than I am; I do love that I am a kind person. That was important for me to say because I get down on myself so hard and so often that I need to reinforce some of my more positve attributes before I get this rolling. That said, I do want to love more about myself. I want to feel like I am more that my jiggly thighs, my wobbly arms, and my gooshy tummy. I want to feel and truly believe that I am worth putting in a little more effort when I get ready. See, I used to get dolled up all the time. Now, since I’ve hit this high (or low?) with my weight, I MUCH rather wear sweats, yoga pants, baggy t-shirts and sweatshirts. I was NEVER one of those girls, and here I am. But, this past Saturday, I put a little more effort into my hair, makeup, clothes, and jewelry .. nothing fancy, still casual, but I felt so much better about myself all night! I also noticed silly things … like perfume can make a positive influence on my attitude towards myself! If I smell pretty, I must look pretty, right? ;) It’s the little things that make the difference. So, I have a plan. And I really am aware of how rediculous this seems and sounds, but since I’m writing this mainly for myself and to get my thoughts out there (Thank you to whoever really is reading! :)), I’m just going ahead with this. My plan is to put more effort into my appearance. I sometimes think, even though I’m very happily married to a wonderful man, would I want to run into that one ex -bf looking like I have been lately? NO! I’d want my hair to be pretty and not just up in its usual ponytail slicked back looking like I just worked out … when I really didn’t! I’d want my make-up to be flattering and my lips to be shiny. I’d want a tan! I’d want my nails to be taken care of, whether painted or just looking cared for. I’d want to be dressed cute and not just in my usual yoga pants & baggy man sweatshirt! So, my plan is to make sure I put the effort in with these things … and I’m not talking becoming vain & spending hours in front of the mirror, but just a little more than I’m doing now wouldn’t kill me! From now on, I will be painting my nails & keeping them short & neat looking. I think it’d be good for my self image to put a little fake tanner lotion on and to take the extra 15 minutes it takes to blowdry and fix my hair. I do know the reason for my lack of effort with my outfits is because of my extra weight. Nothing fits right and I just cannot spend the money on new clothes for my size as is, but I can at least take advantage of things that do fit right and wear that or if nothing “cute” fits right now, use it as inspiration to keep working at losing weight and getting fit. I really do think these things will help me, because I do need to believe I’m worth looking put together and taken care of. I’m embarrassed of how I’ve been presenting myself lately. I’m worth it :). So, tomorrow, even though I can dress very casually for work, I will make sure it’s a little more “cute” than “sloppy” casual!

On a more unrelated topic, I’m getting back into zumba tonight! I used to love going with friends and then we all just stopped I guess! But, we are going back tonight and I’m excited. I had planned on doing a dvd workout, but this will definatley take the cake over that! I’ll probably be dying half-way through, but that’s good! I need a starting place. And tomorrow a.m. I’m waking up early before work to get in a workout! Yay :)

And so it begins!

I’m going to start this off with a little introduction. I’m a 27 year old woman married to a wonderful, amazing husband. Together we have a lovable black lab puppy that keeps us very entertained and very busy! My weight loss struggles began when I was a child. Honestly, as far back as I can possibly remember. I’m tall (5′11″) and so I’ve always been “big”, but I’ve hit my all time high this past Christmas. My breaking point, when I truly realized just how out of hand my weight had gotten, was when I overheard my dad talking with my brother and my husband about my weight and how they need to help me get control over my health. It broke my heart. I was absolutley devestated and so utterly embarrassed. I pretended, of course, that I hadnt heard, but brought it up to my husband days later. He was as embarrassed as I was because he knows what a truly sensitive subject it is for me. I could tell how hurt he was that he knew I had heard. But, in all honesty, maybe it was best for me to hear this. Maybe it was what I needed. I don’t know. But, somehow, here I am in April, only a few pounds lighter. 9 to be exact. See, the reason for that is my biggest downfall and the true reason I can never lose weight and keep it off. This is the reason I gain and gain. I binge eat. I eat in secret. I stuff and gorge myself with food that I sometimes don’t even really like. Carbs are my absolutle downfall. It’s all over from there on out. Once I start, it’s like I cannot control myself. I’ve never spoken of this with anyone, not even my husband or my best girl friend. I’m so utterly ashamed. But, I’m hoping this blog helps me re-gain control. I’ve been doing this as long as I can even remember. It’s gotten worse over the years, but I remember it always being there somewhat. I don’t know why I do this, but I do know it has to do with my emotional health. When I’m excited, when I’m happy, nervous, sad, depressed, angry, stressed … any emotion brings the binge monster. The thing that I find the most disturbing is that everyone in my life sees me as the life of the party, so happy, positive, etc. and really, I have this terrible secret! I’ve been on a diet since high school. Weight watchers, Atkins, South Beach, low fat, calorie counting, intuitive eating, No S diet, SOS, etc. I think about food & weight literally all day - what I’m going to eat next, grocery shopping, new recipes, weight loss, new diets, etc.

So, this brings me to my one year journey to becoming who I am really meant to be and who I long to be … happy with myself, healthy, and fit. My plan is to go low carb- not Atkins, although I was tempted because I love not being hungry and it does take away my cravings, but I always end up feeling heavy and weighed down and longing for lighter, fresher foods (if that makes sense?). My low carb diet will basically be consisting of non-starchy veggies, lower sugar fruits, lots of healthy fats, lots of lean protein, limited dairy, no sugar or wheat … so basically, no white stuff! (other than veggies of course, lol!). I’m going to be flexible. I want to ultimately follow a Paleo lifestyle, but for starters, I’m just going to get a few weeks under my belt like this and then become more structured if I see the need for it.

As for exercise, my plan is to do an exercise dvd 6 days a week & walk my dog daily. I also want to get in as much daily exercise as possibly throughout my day … a few wall push-ups here, a few sit-ups there, a few jumping jacks or squats, etc.

I have to stand in a wedding in June for a friend … and I’m most definatley the biggest girl there is. I need to just focus on getting healthy for myself and not for this wedding because realistically, I am not going to drop 70 lbs. by the wedding, which is less that 2 months away, so I may as well just do my best so I can feel as good as possible and not focus on the date so much. I have a year to commit to making myself look and feel fabulous, and this wedding is just one day out of the journey. Right?! So, I need to stop the stressing and negative talk to myself :).

Well, here are the cold hard facts. I will weigh in on Mondays. Every Monday. No matter if I’ve slipped up or not. This is a commitment.

My starting weight is: 247 lbs.

My goal weight is: 170 lbs.

Jean size: 18

 

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