Insomnia~ December 28, 2008
Cannot wait until tomorrow is over. Grandma’s funeral and what I will say, if I can manage to say anything, is running through my head. After funeral, luncheon put on by church, then burial 30 minutes away then back to aunts house for family and food. Day will start at 9am and end well after 7pm I imagine. I can’t think straight. I feel like I am dreading the all day event. I feel like a schmuck for even thinking that I don’t want to go. I feel like I don’t “get” my closest family sometimes. I don’t want to wallow in the sorrow. I want to rejoice in all the things she taught me. I’m ready to move forward, I guess that doesn’t necessarily mean that everyone else is ready to though.
“I don’t want to seem crass.” Words out of my mom’s mouth to me, tonight, at the viewing. “But I have a hard time crying. She (grandma) was so tired. And I don’t want people to think I didn’t love her as much as my sisters. I loved her just as much. My life just took a different path. We just had a different relationship.” My mom lives an hour away and is feeling like she wasn’t around enough. My grandma spent the last 2 months living mostly at my moms to be close to the chemo doctor. I on the other hand live 10 minutes away, and saw her less in the last year than I have in my life. My sister and I are probably a lot like my mom and her sisters. My sis is “hypersensitive” to the ugliness of the world. She is by no means pessimistic, but she is very aware of sadness, and has a very giving heart. She want to fix EVERYTHING, and used to struggle with mending relationships. She’s married, no kids, may not have any because “they grow up too fast and its like you start losing them the day they are born”. Get the picture? I love her, she is funny and smart, and beautiful, we just deal with things very differently. I had given birth (had an 12 y/o actually) and been married and divorced twice before I was her age today. Guess different life experience will give you different goggles to look through. I, too, tend to want to do everything for everyone. I have found, however, that you rob people of their own experience, consequences, and learning opportunities if you try to be everything to everyone. So occasionally I say “no, sorry” or NO, thank you, in order to let them have the opportunity to figure it out, and claim the success. This funeral stuff is testing both of us. She wants to caudal, I want to dance. Caudal will win for the most part for the next 24 hours.
At the viewing I had a distant cousin ask a question about my DS’s “dad”, I said “you mean his sperm donor?” Apparently I said it a little too loud amongst the whispering. I realize I shouldn’t have said it at all. I am sincerely embarrassed and at the same time think grandma would have chimed in “that guy was a son of bitch”. love my family. Would have liked to have crawled into a whole though. No worries, I get to look every one in the eye again tomorrow and see if I can top it.
Boblian has been nothing short of amazing. My rock. Guess my feelings of “poor me” a couple weeks ago were matched with a reminder of how valuable life is, and taking care of yourself while you are here to live it. Boblian just keeps a steady smile for me, gives me extra hugs lately, and has been my soft place to land. We’re still learning.
Looking forward to changing my world, my habits, my course, in 2009. This whole grandma thing has inspired me to want to be around a long time, LIVE a healthy life not just exist, and make the effort to spend time with family and friends that have become distant. Have joined 3 challenges in the forum. 1 is my standard W.O.W. challenge (women on WEED). Go find it, its not what you think 🙂 Also doing the Biggest Loser Challenge starting the 4th of Jan. Will go for 14 weeks I think. And last but not least the New Year New Me 2009 Challenge ~ 1 year long. so I have short, medium and long, All essentially starting in the next 5 or so days. Really aching to sit down and set some goals and MEASURABLE objectives up. May start a draft tonight simply because I cant sleep.
Grabthebull~ I still have some growing out to do before the Meg hair materializes, but I am headed there. Going to be brave and post some pics in a couple days for my “starting” weight. You will be able to see my current hair as well as my current fat in those pic’s. Unless of course I can borrow the PacMan head. :}
Um… what else, oh! Christmas…. Found out my level headed, list making, no risk taking, beautiful, smart and irreplaceable life long (32 years) best friend is…. drum roll…. ENGAGED TO A MAN I HAVE NEVER MET! And that she has only known for 2 months… I am freaking out for multiple reasons:
- I am EXTREMELY happy for her. She deserves to be placed on a pedestal after what she has gone through in the last 10 years
- I am EXTREMELY jealous. In a good way. In a “are you freaking kidding me?” kinda way. Feel a little like it shoulda been me getting a question asked. *clearing throat* But Boblian did mention I would be getting 1/2 carat for every 10lbs I lost in 2009. I need 60 to come off…. that works out to 3karats! Might be CZ, or diamondique, or Quartz, but whatever (Just kidding Boblian~ its the real deal or no deal) XOXOXO
- I am fat. I cant possibly buy a dress or have pictures taken of me being fatter than I was at her first wedding!
- I haven’t met the ole boy, and he has 3 daughters (10, 14, 19) and my BFF only has 1 and has not dealt with step kids really. I hope he bought her 8 years of patience with that rock.
- I don’t want her to get suckered into anything. They met on eharmony. He seems fantastic, what’s his problem?
- Finally, she is just as shocked as I am that she said yes. That is wildly comforting and super crazy.
Its no wonder I’m beyond exhaustion right now. I have no control of what is happening in the world. It’s flippen mayhem.
Alrighty then, I just yawned. A good sign that maybe I should hit the sack. Hope you all wake from your peaceful sleep to a fantastic Monday full of happy energy. Kris