Teach a girl to fish…

Cannot wait until tomorrow is over. Grandma’s funeral and what I will say, if I can manage to say anything, is running through my head.  After funeral, luncheon put on by church, then burial 30 minutes away then back to aunts house for family and food.  Day will start at 9am and end well after 7pm I imagine.  I can’t think straight. I feel like I am dreading the all day event. I feel like a schmuck for even thinking that I don’t want to go.  I feel like I don’t “get” my closest family sometimes.  I don’t want to wallow in the sorrow. I want to rejoice in all the things she taught me.  I’m ready to move forward, I guess that doesn’t necessarily mean that everyone else is ready to though.

“I don’t want to seem crass.” Words out of my mom’s mouth to me, tonight, at the viewing. “But I have a hard time crying. She (grandma) was so tired. And I don’t want people to think I didn’t love her as much as my sisters. I loved her just as much. My life just took a different path. We just had a different relationship.”  My mom lives an hour away and is feeling like she wasn’t around enough.  My grandma spent the last 2 months living mostly at my moms to be close to the chemo doctor.  I on the other hand live 10 minutes away, and saw her less in the last year than I have in my life.  My sister and I are probably a lot like my mom and her sisters.  My sis is “hypersensitive” to the ugliness of the world. She is by no means pessimistic, but she is very aware of sadness, and has a very giving heart.  She want to fix EVERYTHING, and used to struggle with mending relationships.  She’s married, no kids, may not have any because “they grow up too fast and its like you start losing them the day they are born”.  Get the picture?  I love her, she is funny and smart, and beautiful, we just deal with things very differently.  I had given birth (had an 12 y/o actually) and been married and divorced twice before I was her age today.  Guess different life experience will give you different goggles to look through.  I, too, tend to want to do everything for everyone.  I have found, however, that you rob people of their own experience, consequences, and learning opportunities if you try to be everything to everyone.  So occasionally I say “no, sorry” or NO, thank you, in order to let them have the opportunity to figure it out, and claim the success. This funeral stuff is testing both of us.  She wants to caudal, I want to dance.  Caudal will win for the most part for the next 24 hours.

At the viewing I had a distant cousin ask a question about my DS’s “dad”, I said “you mean his sperm donor?”  Apparently I said it a little too loud amongst the whispering. I realize I shouldn’t have said it at all.  I am sincerely embarrassed and at the same time think grandma would have chimed in “that guy was a son of bitch”. love my family. Would have liked to have crawled into a whole though.  No worries, I get to look every one in the eye again tomorrow and see if I can top it.

Boblian has been nothing short of amazing. My rock.  Guess my feelings of “poor me” a couple weeks ago were matched with a reminder of how valuable life is, and taking care of yourself while you are here to live it.  Boblian just keeps a steady smile for me, gives me extra hugs lately, and has been my soft place to land.  We’re still learning.

Looking forward to changing my world, my habits, my course, in 2009. This whole grandma thing has inspired me to want to be around a long time, LIVE a healthy life not just exist, and make the effort to spend time with family and friends that have become distant.  Have joined 3 challenges in the forum. 1 is my standard W.O.W. challenge (women on WEED). Go find it, its not what you think :)  Also doing the Biggest Loser Challenge starting the 4th of Jan. Will go for 14 weeks I think. And last but not least the New Year New Me 2009 Challenge ~ 1 year long.  so I have short, medium and long, All essentially starting in the next 5 or so days. Really aching to sit down and set some goals and MEASURABLE objectives up.  May start a draft tonight simply because I cant sleep.

Grabthebull~ I still have some growing out to do before the Meg hair materializes, but I am headed there. Going to be brave and post some pics in a couple days for my “starting” weight.  You will be able to see my current hair as well as my current fat in those pic’s. Unless of course I can borrow the PacMan head. :}

Um… what else, oh! Christmas…. Found out my level headed, list making, no risk taking, beautiful, smart and irreplaceable life long (32 years) best friend is…. drum roll…. ENGAGED TO A MAN I HAVE NEVER MET!  And that she has only known for 2 months… I am freaking out for multiple reasons:

1. I am EXTREMELY happy for her.  She deserves to be placed on a pedestal after what she has gone through in the last 10 years
2. I am EXTREMELY jealous.  In a good way.  In a “are you freaking kidding me?” kinda way. Feel a little like it shoulda been me getting a question asked. *clearing throat* But Boblian did mention I would be getting 1/2 carat for every 10lbs I lost in 2009. I need 60 to come off…. that works out to 3karats!  Might be CZ, or diamondique, or Quartz, but whatever (Just kidding Boblian~ its the real deal or no deal)  XOXOXO
3. I am fat. I cant possibly buy a dress or have pictures taken of me being fatter than I was at her first wedding!
4. I haven’t met the ole boy, and he has 3 daughters (10, 14, 19) and my BFF only has 1 and has not dealt with step kids really.  I hope he bought her 8 years of patience with that rock.
5. I don’t want her to get suckered into anything. They met on eharmony. He seems fantastic, what’s his problem?
6. Finally, she is just as shocked as I am that she said yes. That is wildly comforting and super crazy.

Its no wonder I’m beyond exhaustion right now. I have no control of what is happening in the world. It’s flippen mayhem.

Alrighty then, I just yawned. A good sign that maybe I should hit the sack.  Hope you all wake from your peaceful sleep to a fantastic Monday full of happy energy.  Kris

Tuesday. Crap. Still have stuff to do before tomorrow.  Heck, BEFORE TONIGHT!  Okay, chug of coffee, deep breath…. and

1. Go to bank, get cash to pay for hair cut
2. Finish Card boxes
3. Make Gift Card Holders
4. Make Christmas Cards
5. Shave Legs (not a necessity, but are hairier than reindeer and cant deal any more)
6. Do not open Ghirardelli chocolates left on my desk by coworker.
7. Wrap ornaments

Fooey, so much for relaxing tonight.   Will maybe try to squeeze in a magazine read at hair cut.  Didn’t step on scale today.  Probably wont tomorrow.  Can feel that I need to break a sweat and release some pressure. I feel like a giant sausage in Levi’s right now.  Going to roll into the other room and pick up my print job.

Oh, a poetic verse…

The printer was stocked full of paper with care

In hopes that my print job soon  would be there

I pushed off from my desk to go see what the Helly,

My gut bounced with each step like a bowl full of jelly.

Merry Flippin’ Christmas 

update 12:51pm….

I found this pic of Meg for the hair I am after. Showed Boblian, told him I wanted to look like her by May.  He dared me.  I told him to hold on tight…..  cuz its game on suckers!  I’m gonna ROCK 2009.

Which is a freaking miracle considering.  Thank you girls for the well wishes over the past few days as I have dealt with my Grandma’s passing.  You have no idea how much I appreciate it.  Kept checking back here thinking I wanted to write some more, and instead was just soothed in finding new comments.  On top of Grandma’s passing, the following day ( DEC 19th) was the 1 year anniversary of Boblians Grandma’s passing.  Good Greif Charlie Brown, can ya cut us a break?

Today its back to the grind.   Funeral is not until Dec 29th, so I need to find a way to get back into finish Christmas mode.   And today is my 3 month anniversary of not smoking.  Whew… never would I have believed I could do it 4 months ago.   Thanks Grandma!

Okay~ things I need to do in a hurry ~  in order

1. Rewrap Boblians Pots &  Pans from the kids
2. Finish Card Boxes
3. Load Cards in Boxes and Wrap
4. Make 4 Gift Card Holders
5. Make 5 Christmas Cards (Mom, Sis, Aunt, Aunt, Uncle)
6. Pick up 2 more Gift Cards ( Dad, BIL)
7. Start my forever wish list

Boblian cooked all day yesterday. Homemade chicken soup, venison pot roast, homemade ranch dressing (not the packet crap), baked a cherry pie.  We gorged ourselves. The cherry pie was probably the worst part, or the ice cream I put on it.  Anyway, my scale was more than willing to reflect my sins.  I am back on it today, or so I thought.  I have already eaten 2 small chocolate chip cookies and 3 pieces of pumpkin chocolate chip bread.  Plus my “serving” of chicken noodle soup.  I will be treadmilling this week somethime.  Gonna be a tough one though.  Kids tonight through Late Christmas Eve.  Then Christmas Day, then get funeral stuff ready. At this point I am not gonna beat myself up too much over exercise.  But will start right now being conscience about food.  Gotta get some work done.  Have a good day all.

My Grandma passed away today. Long battle with COPD, and very tired after radiation and chemo for lung cancer. My favorite grandma. She was bigger than life… and Heaven just got the best german chocolate cake maker ever. She is still adored, will be dearly missed, and I have her to thank for so many fantastic memories, talents, and “corey-isms”. I love you grandma. Your Best Little Friend.

Welcome to “sin qua non” Tuesday.  According to Wikipedia It is a Latin legal term for “(a condition) without which it could not be” or “but for…” or “without which (there is) nothing.” It refers to an indispensable and essential action, condition, or ingredient. Essential action is required because without which, there is nothing.  Huh.   There are so many ways that lack of essential action has gotten my knickers in a twist and left me writhing and digging to dislodge them, to no avail.

Control in eating (sine qua non in weight loss land)

Consistent exercise plan (sine qua non in terms of health land)

Receiving attention outside the bedroom (sine qua non in bedroom land)

I may have completely butchered the meaning. I don’t care. It makes sense in my head, and I am on a poor me train so get on board  or get off my caboose and get the hell of the tracks.  I’m tired of - chasing the scale number, chasing Boblian for tenderness, chasing the dream of a house with a fenced yard, a pay check that just covers it, a vacation that actually lets me rest, a day free of the interruptions from someone else’s exes, a night free of getting up to pee 3 times, a work day where the last hour doesn’t feel like four hours, a perfect pair of pillows that are not too soft and not too firm. I’m tired of not feeling appreciated  by myself.  I’m tired of conversations in my head that start with “you used to…” whether I am talking to myself or someone else. I want to wake up tomorrow and have $ in the bank, the scale say 180 anything, have slept through and entire 8 hour period and know that I am on 3 week vacation.   I’m exhausted. I am unimpressed with my life or anyone in it.  I may need a break…  for without which (a break), there is nothing. Sine Qua Non.

Now that I’m done whining I will say that I feel better.  I think I keep waiting for the magical AHA moment at home.  I have moments where I get that knot in my throat of having to end a relationship. Because without what I need from it, there is nothing (for me anyway ~ for everyone else it’s a double bonus). Sad thing is, its not even a bad relationship , but its not meeting my needs and I have TR IED for MONTHS to get some acknowledgement that I might have needs. Ugh… I am babbling and eating unhealthy amounts of sugarfree jolly ranchers.  I think I just need a good treadmill session tonight, and for Michelle to win the biggest loser.  Thats my plan….   Hopefully that will get me outta the funk.  I feel like freaking Debbie Downer…. Waaat Waaat Waaaaah…..

Blech.  I should be on the treadmill but I am pooped.   Got up 3:45AM (normal), Boblian helped take trash out (we have to drive 300 feet down hill OR walk it and the walk back up at O’dark thirty alone is creepy), and I have an 8 hour day today, so I will be off at 3 and can come home and treadmill then.

Weigh in today was 198.0!  Yah, baby! Yah!  I was really thinking the Reese’s Peanutbutter cup and Payday that I snuck in last night after tacos and a danish would molecularly morph into at least 10lbs over night.  Thank God it didn’t.  Gotta get my game face on for eating right today though.  Nothing planned or packed.  Could be dangerous.

I think I am going to start a goal page this morning of things I will get or do at certain weight loss markers.  Yep… I do believe that that is where I am headed…..

Does he work out?”

So I get this package at work that is addressed to Boblian on Monday. Its from Verizon. He says he ordered himself a “handsfree” device. Whatever. I’ve been telling him I want, no NEED, a new phone and get no response. (He pays the cell bill so I don’t have a whole lotta room to push for a new one.) This thing weighed like 3 lbs. So I text him from my sucky phone to tell him his package is in. He calls me, tells me to open it and see if its the “right one”. Well its not handsfree, and it looks something like this

Turns out to be an early Christmas present. I get it home, get it set up, fart around with the whiz bangs and what nots and proceed to take it to work with me the next day (yesterday). On my way to work a text message comes in and theres some crazy noise that comes from my phone. HUH? Bout an hour later, sitting at work with my phone on my desk and text comes in. Before I can grab it, some voice that sounds like the robotic cleaning lady from the Jetsons says “Just Chillin with my Ipod at work. How is your day?” WHAT!?!? My freakin phone READS my texts out loud! So I text Boblian and let him know how cool, funny, scary it is. Just as I hit send, a disgruntled employee comes in super upset to talk to me about his supervisor. He is shaking. I’m trying to concentrate, look apathetic, and suddenly my phone starts up….

“Your boyfriend is so hot! Does he work out?”

“Boblian is really sexy.”

“I’m horny. How is your infection?”

I couldn’t turn it off, couldn’t stop it and there I was with the expression on my face stuck somewhere between “holy crap” and “that’s freakin hilarious” and “I am sooo sorry”. Point of the story, there is none. Other than I got my ab workout in by laughing all day long and I really should read the manual. Headed out now to look for it…….