In case you’re wondering, there’s 102 days from today until January 1, 2012… ouch. It just doesn’t seem right does it? So insert some general musings about why I haven’t posted much and why my weight loss has stalled and yada yada yada. I always kick myself when I (re)discover the correlation between posting on 3FC and my weight dropping. I always start hating myself a little when I realize that I could have lost X pounds if I had actually stayed on track the past X weeks. Great example – around the first week of July, the 20-Something support group started a countdown to the New Year challenge with about 25 weeks left in 2011. At the time I was hovering at 255, so I balked at the idea of only ending 2011 at around 230 pounds, and though I am generally still on target to reach 230 by the end of the year that number seems so BIG still. It’s almost a constant struggle for me to stay on plan and 1 pound a week is a little disheartening for the effort I put in. In theory, it gets easier at some point, right? Right???
I’ve gotta get it in gear. My life situation now is not at all what I had imagined it would be months ago, and I’m just down about it. Not that it helps my weight situation to comfort eat either, so I have to try and keep a positive attitude. Blech
Title of this post comes from lyrics in Panic! At the Disco’s song ‘The Calendar’. The full lyrics are ‘Put another ‘X’ on the calendar, Summer’s on its deathbed. There is simply nothing worse than knowing how it ends.’ Within the past week or so, there was a day when I went into work for an opening shift at 8 am and noticed that slight chill creeping in that signals the end of the Summer and the beginning of Fall. I’ve always mourned the death of Summer (it being my favorite season) because Fall comes right before Winter (my least favorite season). Summer reminds me of all those eternal days of youth where you’d play in the streets until 9:30 at night with the neighborhood kids, go camping for long weekends, eat as many soft serve cones and burgers and dogs as you could, and went on day trips to the ocean to swim. You can wear flip flops and t-shirts, no need for puffy jackets and heavy boots. Overall, it just rocks… I hate to see it go
Unfortunately, this was not the Summer of healthy eating and fitness I planned on. The weight I lost in late winter/early Spring came back with full force by early June and I struggled to just lose even 5 pounds of it – never mind keep it off. I decided that I needed more structure injected in my plan; it’s not just about eating X calories, but about the attitudes and food choices. This led me to the Beck Diet Solution. I purchased the pink book just two days ago and I’m ready to start rolling with it. I also want to try some sort of meal planning scheme. Since I don’t want to exactly force myself to eat XYZ on this day and ABC the next, I’m considering picking out a number of meals and snacks that fall within my calorie range and then I can choose from that list as the week goes on.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that there were 2 key factors present when I lost weight earlier this year. The first one was having my room mate as a support buddy – even though she didn’t always eat as healthy as she could have, it was nice to have someone eating on the same schedule as you and who liked things like veggies and fruits. I find it hard to plan a good meal with my boyfriend because he’s very veggie and fruit averse… meaning that I usually have to make some sort of starch or bad side to go with our meal. She also reminded me to log my food and do stuff like drink water.
The second factor was planning. We were able to go shopping together (we both loved shopping; my boyfriend HATES it) and plan meals together. She and I loved to plan, too… something else boyfriend hates. We would browse circulars, recipes, etc and talk about healthy stuff and food. It’s hard to synthesize the same experience here with my boyfriend as he doesn’t enjoy it and forcing him is more grief than it’s worth. So I guess maybe more than ‘planning’, the second factor was having someone there who enjoyed talking about the dieting process. I’m trying to use 3FC to synthesize what I had with my roomie to be successful, but it’s still hard to achieve the same level as what I had before.
In any case, I’m just rambling now and I have very little time left before I have to get my shit together and go to work (ugh, not happy about that) so I’ll leave off there.
Yesterday, after dropping off my boyfriend and driving around aimlessly for a half hour, I ended up going to Border’s to take advantage of their 30 – 50% off closing sale. Much to my chagrin, they were cleaned out of Jodi Picoult, Nicholas Sparks, and George R.R. Martin books. I managed to snap up the first 3 Sookie Stackhouse books plus some fluffy romantic book called Cupid Cats, Steig Larsson’s ‘The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo’, and my current read ‘Such a Pretty Fat’ by Jen Lancaster. It’s a memoir about weight loss and how the author is happy with who she is and with what she eats doesn’t think she needs to lose weight. It’s still early on in the book, but she has made some lukewarm attempts at dieting (including Atkins, something I could never bring myself to try). It’s good and I’m glad I picked it up, but at times the author can be a little bit acerbic even for my taste – and I just complained yesterday that my gummy worms weren’t sour enough!
Today I can’t seem to stop munching on everything random under the sun. I started off about an hour and a half ago with some turkey bacon and coke zero, greek berry yogurt, which led to some gummy worms, then honey mustard potato chips, then garlic stuffed olives. I was eyeing some ice cream or chocolate too, but the taste of garlic olive lingering in my mouth is just a bit too much. I’ve brushed my teeth once already, to boot. I don’t know what it is, but I’m just grazing on it all! I’m still within my calorie range to boot, but the lack of having a cogent meal is kind of unsettling to me.
I’m hoping that after another round of teeth brushing I can settle down, read some of my book, and avoid any more random snacking for a little while. Yesterday we went to dinner at Pizza Hut and then to a movie. I got full pretty fast after a small personal pizza and a little bit of our appetizer sampler and I passed on my favorite – popcorn – and only had a few of the mini-chocolate chip cookies we always get. I’ve noticed that I’ve been getting full faster the last few days and even now I’m not actually hungry. I guess I’m just used to, on days when I have nothing planned, munching and lazing about the house. This is the first day in a while we haven’t had anything planned at all – no friends, side trips, etc – and I guess I reverted back to my old routine.
The taste of garlic in my mouth is becoming overwhelming so excuse me while I brush my teeth and settle into my book. Happy Hump day everyone
So, I started this blog with the best intention of writing at least a few times a week… and here we are nine days later. The day of my initial post I got some of the worst news I’ve had in a long time. Literally as I pull into the parking lot of Target a few minutes before my shift, my cell phone rings and I answer. My mom was on the other end and she sounded off – like you could just tell it was going to be bad news. My cat, Mr. Binx, was at the vet with what could have been either a serious liver disease or stomach cancer. The decision was made to have him put down as whatever was making him sick was at such an advanced stage that there weren’t terribly many options. I ended up clocking in three minutes late and took about ten in the back room to compose myself. It figures everyone that night had to come through with cat litter, cat food, cat toys – you name it. On a stranger note, we happened to find out Mr. Binx was actually a Ms. Binx. After so many years though, she will always be a he to us though.
Since then, I’ve managed to do alright around food. It hasn’t been perfect, but I managed to really avoid any misery binges. The boyfriend’s birthday was Monday which has meant a plethora of cakes, cupcakes, steaks, rum cakes, ice cream, pizza, and more from Friday night until Tuesday. To mitigate the impact a bit, we both did our best to make good choices during the morning and afternoon because it was really only dinner and dessert that tripped us up. We even ended up throwing out our steak leftovers today and as much as I absolutely HATE to waste food, neither of us really needed those sitting around any longer.
Today we were supposed to have friends over and entertain as an excuse to get rid of our leftover junk food and cakes on our (unsuspecting) friends, but plans fell through. Instead, we had a tapas like dinner of some french bread, crackers, cheeses, a dry salami, garlic stuffed olives and a microwave ‘smores each. We’re trying a new approach to the weekends that give us the liberty of two dinners out (or off plan) plus two lunches. We were taking both Saturday AND Sunday completely ‘off’ but it was too difficult to keep up with and we bought way too much junk leading up; we had this ‘cram it all in’ mentality for those two days. Now we basically have the flexibility to stretch what was two days worth of bad choices across three days and I already feel more in control and less apt to eat every treat under the sun.
Other than that, I’m still adjusting to work at Target. Physically, it has been a bit easier but not by leaps and bounds. I’m a pretty out of shape person and carrying ~250 pounds takes it toll on my feet after a few hours. I keep trying to motivate myself to go in each shift because it’s really the only source of income that my boyfriend and I have for now but man oh MAN on Wednesday I had the foulest mood ever before work! I just don’t know what it was, because it was only a 4 1/2 hour shift anyways, but I literally had to drag myself out to the car. This weekend is the tax free holiday weekend in Massachusetts and we’re going to be so busy that my shifts should fly by, but I’m not exactly thrilled to be on.
A guest (we aren’t supposed to call them customers) came in and asked me how I was, and after a lukewarm response from me, they said (in a very non-accusatory tone, seriously they were super nice about it) that a lot of people are out of work and unable to get any so I should be grateful for the fact that I was working. I guess it’s hard to appreciate working at Target because of my ego and because my boyfriend’s family takes care of a lot of our expenses. We are both expected to work, but even if we were both still unemployed we have enough cushion to live on for a bit. Neither of us wants to piddle away our savings on groceries and other necessities though, so it’s still a daily routine to search for jobs, send inquiries, and work on resumes. I’m having quite a hard time finding an internship – that last thing I need before completing my degree – and he’s having trouble finding a real job with a real salary that we could live off of. Target’s basically just enough to cover our minimal expenses and the excess goes towards a savings account for when my grace period on my student loans ends.
I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night and worry so much about finding an internship that it’s hard to get back to sleep. It’s a rough way to start off a life together, especially factoring in the whole diet thing, but life is rife with struggles. It really puts into perspective the traditional marriage vows: for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer. I know I’m not married (or even engaged) yet, but the two of us do intend to go down that path together and we’re definitely getting a relationship stress-test before we even get to enjoy the honeymoon!
In any case, I just have to keep reminding myself that the struggles I’ve been through shaped who I am today and the struggles I face now will shape who I am in the future. I definitely do think I’m a better person for what I’ve gone through and I’ve taken a lot away from my experiences thus far. But geez, is it too much to ask for maybe just a little ‘vacation’ from reality? A week? Even just a weekend??
This is my second major attempt at blogging during my weight loss journey, and this time I’m hoping it’ll stick. My first blog over at Blogger I dearly loved, but I felt it was time to migrate closer to 3FatChicks since I’m practically always on the forums these days. The title of that blog, as well as the sentiment and style of it, I’m migrating over to here so if my posts here please you, I have some archived stuff back there that you’ll dig.
Aside from getting back on the wagon is a serious way after two weeks of waffling, I started my first full week as a cashier at Target on Monday. Even after a few measly 4 – 6 hour shifts, I’ve gained an immense respect for these blue collar jobs. I come home exhausted, aching, and dreading the next shift. Part of me is very prideful and rages against the position, saying things like ‘I didn’t go to college for 4 years to do some job any schmuck with a GED could do’ but another part of me really is amazed that people of all sorts do these (and even shittier) jobs to make a real living out of. Luckily, I’m just doing a temporary stint until I can finish up an internship and *finally* get my degree but I see many ‘lifers’ at Target every day when I go in for work.
I also see an alarming number of people using food stamps, people that you’d never think to associate with needing them. When I worked as a VITA tax volunteer earlier this year (not by choice but by school assignment) the clientele I saw matched up with my expectations. It hasn’t always been the case so far at Target. I also see a lot of people who are just petty, who argue over a ten-cent price difference and aren’t satisfied even when you do give it to them. All you can really do is smile and be friendly, or call a manager over in a worst-case scenario.
I’ve just started reading the book ‘Eat Pray Love’ after being passed on a copy a month ago. I enjoyed part one of the book where the author was in Italy but am now having trouble reading through her spiritual experiences in India. Something about religion/God/etc just makes me bristle, but I can relate in a way to her sacrifices in India. Between working on not thinking about food (or eating it idly), getting adjusted to the rigorous work at Target, and coping with not being a student for the first time in 15+ years I’ve gone through a lot of the same emotions and thoughts the author has as she adjusts to all the stuff life tossed on her plate. And as much as I dislike the work at Target, I think I’ll be a better person for doing it.
It’s just about snack time for me, followed by some more relaxing and then getting ready for work this evening. I still haven’t the faintest idea of what I’m doing for dinner, and the reserves here are a bit low. Looks like it’ll soon be time for a trip to the *gulp* – GROCERY STORE. The land of the forbidden pleasures of twinkies, pizzas, Smartfood popcorn, and even more untold horrors. It’s second only to passing an open fast food joint late at night for me, so I’ll have to gather up my strength and pass up all those goodies. Okay so maybe I’ll buy one treat – this lifestyle change isn’t about completely denying myself, right?
A recent college grad striving to find the balance between loving food and living healthy. I enjoy going on adventures with my boyfriend, collecting Hello Kitty stuff, and games of every kind – card, board, video, etc. This blog’s predecessor can be found here: http://fab-n-fat.blogspot.com/