I’m really not that far away from my goal and I wonder why I don’t just do it. Is it because I don’t truly want it. Or maybe because things like making money to pay rent are more important.

Here is what I know to be true:
my goal is 137 lbs.
That’s only 18 pounds.
I got as low as 148 last year.
I am happy with my life right now
I am also going thru a period of transition in my life right now.
I can choose what I eat at work and giant cookies are not the nutritious choice.

It starts with closing this post and going for a walk. It continues with regular checkins and reading other blogs! …

What a struggle…. this thinking process of mine.  I tried changing this template thingy but couldn’t find anything that i liked better so i switched back to black.  MAYBE i should design my own instead of complaining and riding on other people’s creations?  Maybe i should just design EVERYTHING myself.  Well, i don’t have the skill or knowledge of what it takes to create a blog anyway…. so in the mean time, you will be reading off of black.  Wouldn’t that be sweet tho?  Just being able to design everything yourself?  I hate going shopping because i can never find what i envision…. i only find crap designs, crap quality.  I just want what i want, the way i want it.  RESULT: i rarely go shopping.

My, i am getting off topic.  Let’s get back to SUMMER is HERE and what i envision is a nice little bike ride this afternoon.  The ball has started rolling again, i have new momentum and a new VISION to my future, and possibilities.  i want to read books, get nice and tanned at the beach, and live blissfully and somehow that weight that i gained while teaching will MAGICALLY disappear.  Yes, i think so.  Summer is for climbing and riding and eating summer fruit.  The fall is for surfing in and around my part-time employment and think of blissful opportunities and brave endings.  I just need to learn how to surf.  i haven’t surfed in years.  The boy says i can use his board.   Sounds like a plan already.  Wow, i don’t think i have ever sounded like such a BUM.  Apparently i don’t care about anything anymore, like volunteering, or getting that job, or just getting ahead.  Yes, this feels quite nice, actually.  I have stopped running, in then mental/emotional sense.

Goals:

1.Read Ph book about food/alkaline/acidic, etc.

2. Just feel good about life and trust that i AM losing weight in this blissful happy state.

My lifestyle has changed since the new year.  I am commuting by car instead of bike to a suburb where i bring bags and bags of materials in for teaching…. cycling is not really an option.  Included in my nice car experience is that i can easily DRIVE to the grocery store and buy whatever i want…. including chocolate, jujubes, pizza, ice cream.  Yup.  I am no longer walking everywhere… just to save time… which in turn i am not saving my body.  This whole transition from student to teacher has me thrown off.  I’m still finding my rhythm in terms of time management, working out, etc.  I feel bad about myself when i don’t get stuff done, and then oddly l punish myself even more by eating 2quarts of ice cream.

Having said all of this: i have gained, fast.  I am at 155 lbs.  Ouch.   I KNOW that my body responds to change.  I am thankful for that.  I WILL change.  I CAN. I KNOW how.

I CAN change.

I WILL find my rhythm.

I HAVE and KNOW all that i need to do this.

It’s all about the positive intentions.

STOP here.  Check in.  I feel like i’ve been running around a bit with my head chopped off.  So many loose ends.  I feel like i have not been doing a very good job.  I want to be on top of my life and know what i want.  It’s difficult to meet your fitness and eating goals if you haven’t laid out any.

Let’s get back to what is real.  I went for a 20 minutes run last night.  Short, but whatever, getting out was the goal.  Today it is a beautiful winter day and i am going to go for a hike at a mountainous-park i have never been to.  I have road my bike through those hills, but i’ve never hiked through the park… so i am excited to explore new terrain by myself.  I feel like everything i want to do these days i just want to do by myself.  I guess that’s fine. It’s just a sign of my tired-ness.

My goal for this week is to get on top of my lesson planning and get the ball rolling.  Right now it just feels like resistance.  i WANT to do it– it seems fun, i LOVE teaching, but the sitting down to plan part i find so difficult…. and i just waste time thinking about planning and not actually doing it.  if i can get on top of my planning, then i will get more sleep and have time to wake up and walk.  Yes, baby steps.  I want to walk, everyday this week. This week, i will also take time to breath, and be conscious of the here an now.  I will know how my body posture is and what kind of message that is sending others.

I will also embrace hunger.  It seems lately that i have this mind-less connection/attachment with food.  No doubt a step to deal with anxiety.  But how is it broken?  Possibly a mind-body connection.  Stop, here and now: do i know what i am putting into my body?  Do know what affect this has (thinking about blood sugar and yucky artificialness)?  How about embrace hunger?  I tell myself that i will be OK without that ice cream or that baguette.  Yup, it’s just empty calories anyway.  Embrace nutrition, and try really hard to take my vitamins!  I was reading about embracing hunger on the Refuse to Regain site, Barbara Berkeley wrote about Calorie Restriction and some people’s ideas about it.  Interesting, but definitely a school of thought.  i just think we can get by on a whole lot less.  I remember once staying at my friend’s parent’s place for a week a couple years ago: i ate their food, on their schedule, and their quantity.  WOW was i hungry!  Lots of veggies, lots of green tea, lots of variety- but not that much food.  But i adjusted.  By the end of the week my body didn’t feel like i needed the mass amounts of food that it was used to.  Have you ever seen the tissue of a stomach?  Well probably not.  I have- in my anatomy class years ago.  It’s stretchy.  That’s how you can fill it up.  And the more you eat the more it stretches…. so your body get’s used to it and says “MORE! i want MORE because i’m used to being this size!”.  So i’m choosing less.  Embrace hunger.

My last goal is to get rid of the sugar for the most part.  Cutting out sugar will: level out my mood, feel more balanced throughout the day, level out my appetite and blood sugar, clear up my skin, and perhaps find my waist again.

a recap of Goals:

-a walk every morning

-green tea

-veggies and protein.

-vitamins: multi, B complex, St. John’s Wart, Fish Oil

-mind-body breathing

-going without sugar…. and this DOES NOT mean sugar substitutes

-embrace hunger: less is more. I will adjust

-this is a lot of goals…  but i can do it.  START HERE>

A commitment to writing makes me accountable.  I will write.

Yup.  Happy New Year! May it be the best… and it will… because things only get better with age.  Watch the fitness studios get overcrowded as new-years’ resolutions get people out of their homes and into stretchy apparell for three weeks.  Yup.  By the end of January, things will be back to normal.  The hype will be gone.  Will that be you?  It’s not about DOING your exercise, mindlessly, on the machines, watching, waiting, as the time ticks… it’s not about ‘getting it done’… just fit it in, get it done!  It’s about embracing it as part of your life, something you enjoy, something that you look forward to, something that you… what’s the word… identify with….  And if that isn’t the elliptical trainer, then find something else.  What have you always wanted to try?  You can do it.  You can.  Whenever I have doubted myself “Oh, i can’t do that” there was someone there saying “yes you can”… and it was true.  It is so blissful to live knowing that you tried and to do the things that have held you back.  I can, i will, i know.

For a long time i have been telling myself that i want to DANCE.  I am not a dancer, never have been.  I once did a ballet class once a week at the university with my roommates, mostly as a joke- as i am the least graceful person.  But it was fun.  i think i want to dance this year.  I think that is my resolution… do something rhythmic.  How?  Hmmm…. money is an issue and dance is expensive.   I will find a way… because this is what i want to do… so i will find a way.

Song of the moment: T.I. w/ Rihanna “Live Your Life”

Current weight: 152 lbs (as of 2 days ago)

After work today i bundled up and went for a run (45 mins) in the snow, along the water front, through the city park.  I got back just as the sun started to tuck away.  Blissful.  I felt like my day went to shit and that i got nothing done.  And then i decided to rethink that– and that my focus today was enjoying my run.  Not getting my run done… as if it is something on my list to check off… but just to seize the moment and enjoy this time, for what it is, breathing, deeply, in myself the only runner out there amongst dog walkers and winter coats, fresh, untouched snow… people shoveling the sidewalks.  Enjoy, this, now.… because it is what it is, and i will not have knees forever…. and i will not have the kind of life forever, where i can just choose to blow off the afternoon and focus my life on today’s run.  I am grateful for my run.

Last night i went to yoga for the first time in over a month.  I didn’t have time… well, i made time, obviously, but was feeling guilty that i should have been somewhere else studying for my exam.  At one point i finally let go of the guilt that i was spending time on myself and just enjoyed the class.  I felt so much better.  I went in feeling sick with stress and a cold- and i came out feeling fully grounded inside myself and on top of life…. and my nose clear (must have been the downward dogs!).  It’s funny how i get into this mind set where i tell myself i don’t have time and i am “not allowed” to give myself time to relax or just enjoy life.  No time to exercise!  BUT– i do allow myself to eat whatever i want… interesting.  I think i’m about 3 pounds up… around 153.  My jeans felt tight today.  It scared me a bit.  But i can’t dwell on it now. School is over and now i will just this time to put on my boots and walk in the snow and dream up big dreams.  Time to turn this shit show around.  Time to start thinking, “I CAN”.  Time to get moving again, get the ball rolling.

I am that.

My goals are simple ones: do the dishes, clean the bathroom, wash the floors.  But first, i promised myself one more walk this evening. it’s so beautiful out there… and i live in a beautiful neighborhood. i think i will bring my camera.

goals continued: put my school paper-work away, clean off the top of the kitchen table so i can actually see it.  Sleep.  Take out the recycling.  Take another long walk.  Catch a yoga or pilates class.  Perhaps rearrange the furniture.

I need to rest rest rest before i go into the school in January.  Right now i have nothing to give.  I need to feed myself… in the life-energy sense.  I feel like laying low for a while and re-energizing.

I’ve been thinking about thinking…. haha…. there’s a word for that: metacognition.  Anyway, i think goals and weight loss, etc, are about believing you can get there, and believing you already are on your way.  Interesting how something like your thoughts can have so much power over how you perceive your life… and they really affect your results too.  I have CHOICE and i choose to think positively and see my life and my body in a positive light.  Last summer when the weight came off suddenly, i was in a place where i was blissfully happy.  i had never been better.  I recognize my thought pattern during that time… partly the stress was lower and i was getting back to things i loved– like riding my bike– and partly i was just living in MYSELF… i was being selfish (in a good way), and feeding myself, focusing on myself, GIVING myself the allowance to spend whatever time i chose on just living for ME.  I remember seeing my old boss who i hadn’t seen in a while– and she told me i looked great, that i just had a glow and that i seemed happy– and i told her, “I am happy”.  I think it’s getting into this space of being grateful and happy with ourselves where things start to change.  Beating myself up for eating too much chocolate and not exercising enough when i don’t allow myself the time the exercise…. does not serve anything.  I choose to be blissful again and take the time to do things for myself that serve me and make me feel blissful.

I would like to get down to 147 for the new year.  I think i can do it.

This morning i weighed 150 lbs.  That is the lowest in a long time.  things have been in the 152-153 zone.  I think i will wake up tomorrow and weigh 154, i feel so sick and out of control.

I’m hoping all of this stress will end soon.  It has already started to slow down, i got sick with a cold  immediately.  To  deal with exhaustion, the to do list still lingering, and this cold, i am just ‘letting’ myself stuff my face with garbage high-fat food.  The guilt sets in, i say “why did i do that?” and then history repeats itself. Why why why?

I’m starting to get antsy with my life because i don’t know what i will be doing past April. I don’t know where i will be, what job i will have- what town?  I can view it as an exciting mystery that will just unfold… or… i can sit here and get anxious about not having any future security.  I turn 25 soon.  These are the days that are supposed to be crazy and dishevelled and unknowing.  They are.  So why am i so overwhelmed with the uncertainty?  I just have to ride the wave…. it’s an adventure, i need to be ok with it.  i’m finally at the point where i always wanted to be: standing with my toes peering over the edge, ready to jump– and for some reason, i’m just anxious to be at the next step.  Why not just enjoy this time?  Why not just enjoy the end, where i have got to, be proud and grateful?  I am almost 25, i started when i was 18, i have come a long way.  Way to go.  What i deserve is a long walk, not the rest of the ice cream.  What i deserve is a good nights sleep and a hot bath…. not the McCain frozen cake i bought yesterday.  I find it interesting that we literally punish ourselves with this food.  It’s like i can’t even rationalize in the moment– it’s kind of scary, actually.

I find that i get to where i want to be by feeling GOOD and thinking positively, not by beating myself for what i did, and punishing myself for what i ate.  “you were bad and now you can’t eat ANYTHING for 3 days”.  ya right.  like that’s going to happen.  and then the cycle continues.  I know i can CHANGE my thoughts and that will have me change my behaviour.  I CHOOSE to be positive for this evening.  I have work to do, and i beat myself up that i have not done it.  How about i CHOOSE to be postiive, be nice to myself and say, “i accept myself for putting this work off and now this is time to start it”.

I know, i believe, i will.

I am not in a bad sport with now.  Let’s re-phrase that.   i am in a fairly good spot right now.  I have goals to get to an even better spot.  But let’s just sit back and be grateful for how far i’ve come.

To get to this even-better spot, i am going to:

1. Eat healthy vegetables, fruits, a variety of grains, beans, nuts, meats, and low-fat dairy.

2. Ride through the winter when it isn’t snowing. 2x week.

3. Start swimming again. 2x week.

4. Do a variety of activity that is both indoors and outdoors- aerobics, spinning, weight room, climbing, yoga, pilates, running, riding, swimming, hiking, snow-sports (when i can afford it).

5.  There is a triathlon in March…. i’m thinking about training for it… it’s a fun one… but i don’t want to commit…. maybe if i start swimming over the break. we’ll see.

6. Start walking again.  1 hour everyday.

Ok… time to start the work. GO!

On a good note– i have been moving lots.  Lots of late night walks (after my late night eating), bike riding and running, a bit of weights and yoga.

This week i would like to focus on incorporating some core exercise and just… living.  Think of posture and stand tall.  Being on top of life.  Being happy.  Being thankful for what i’ve got…. because i have so much to be thankful for.

Back to balance.  back to healthy.

Stop here.  Let the stream of thoughts flow by.  Sit tall while i type at my laptop.  Think about breathing, think about posture, shoulder-blades sliding down my back, spine reaching to the ceiling.  Breath deeply into my body.  Re-connect.  Breathe.  Connect.  I am… here… now… in my body… not OUT THERE somewhere orbiting around something else.  I am here, now.  What matters right now is that i get those assignments for class done, and that i go to bed.  Tomorrow i will wake up early and go for a walk before i go to school.

Just before i started writing, i calculated my BMI to be 25.3!  3 pounds less and i’ll be at 24.8, officially healthy weight.  Somehow making that mark into “normal” is such a big deal for me.  Like i am no longer responsible for being overweight… ’cause i’m not!! well, not yet… but close.

Goodnight.

At this mark i need to re-evaluate my goals.  Are my goals weight related?  Yes, i guess mostly.  I want to get down to 140.  I am 10 pounds away.  I need to check in with exercise and diet.  Both are pretty good… they are not overly controlled or planned… but i find i do better that way.  I think if i set up a general outline for working out… i can see what my week looks like.  I spend way to much money on groceries that go bad before i end up eating them… i think quick stuff on the run is a better way to go and time-saver.  Spinach salads… proteins such as tofu and chicken and beans… etc.  Still not buying bread, but will eat it when i’m out (in moderation).  I think i need to stop buying chocolate and wine gums… i tend to go overboard… it’s bad.  As long as i have my super-crazy-healthy-cookies… i think that will curb the chocolate cravings. And i think i can also give up alcohol for a month… i can do without the calories, hang-overs, and any embarrassing stories that i may regret later.

Fitness goals: i want variety… i want… freedom… trees… outside.

1 long run around the lakes

2 shorter runs

1 hike/walk/run through one of the parks

ride to school 3-4 x / week.

weights (mix it up), 3x / week

climb once a week

yoga 2x

So these are the goals for the next month.  I’m aiming for 145 by november.  That’s 5 pounds this month… ugh… i’m not sure i can lose that fast… but i’m going to try.