157 pounds.  I’m feeling pretty good.  I’m still going for my goal of 155 by this time next week!  I haven’t been eating that much… sort of lost my appetite- from emotional stuff in my life.  I start to feel bad when i’m not eating that much and then once i eat i get so hungry that i eat more than i had planned.  all well.

I can’t seem to get anything done these days. i just sleep so much. and then i get down on myself for not getting any work done…which somehow makes me less active, and then less happy and motivated as a result.  my goal is go get up in the morning EARLY and go for a bike ride.

158 lbs.  This is actually a big achievement for me, considering i’ve been to 159/160 many times, but never really hit into the 150’s.  I feel awesome.  I’m actually eating quite a bit, but heathly foods, and i haven’t been tracking anything  in the last  couple months except aiming to get physical activity in –and in variety.   I always find that the weight comes off when i’m not so focused on the weight itself and more my life as a whole.  I’m trying to focus on the positive… not that i want to lose weight or lose 20 more pounds… but more that i want the scale to read 138… and focus on how i want to look, not how i look now.  I think in the past, the motivation i have used to lose weight is “o my god, look how big i am!”, instead of, “i want to look like this _______(smaller, fitter figure)”.   And it’s always sort of been… ya i want that, but it’s not a big priority in my life.  And now… i don’t know what’s changed… i think i actually believe it.  I believe that i can change how my body is.  We are made up of cells that get renewed… i don’t know what the exact days or months it is.. but basically, science says that our bodies are not static- we are constantly changing and renewing our cells and therefore our tissues and… basically our entire body gets replaced all the time.

I have more time these days.  I’m basically on a hiatus between school and more school, and i’m working a little.  But i have decided to take some ME time.  Just a little bit of chill time to de-stress and get geared up for my final year (BIG SIGH!).  I need to undo the last.. how many… years of stress and emotions and thoughts and… i feel so good not having any pressures on me.  I have a few books lined up to read.  I believe i am changing all the time, my body is changing, and I am doing what i love… lots of activity.  I’m just focused on getting in lots of walking and some runs and bike rides and a little bit of strength work here and there.  I will probably have to step it up if i want to lose more.  But fun is my biggest priority right now.  I’m going to go on vacation for a week or two and that may disrupt my eating and exercise… but after that i will get back and step it up.  I promise.  Goals is 155 by May 25… that’s less than 2 weeks!  I can do it.  3 pounds. Cheer me on!

So.

“Begin here.  It is raining… I am here alone for the first time in weeks to take up my ‘real’ life again at last.  This is what is strange–that friends, even passionate love, are not my real life unless there is time alone in which to explore and discover what is happening or what has happened”  –From Journal of a Solitude by May Sarton

It’s been a long time.  I am 161 pounds.  I’m not sure what i was before.  But that doesn’t matter right now.  It’s time to get back… or move forward… i’m not sure which.  Moving on, i think, would be the best way to describe.  Things have been crazy.  My mind has been a bit… uneasy… a man in my life has been a bit… uneasy… and i am here again to take up my real life and move on, moving forward.  I would like to think that i have grown, or that i am growing, and it is all taken as a learning experience.  I would like to think that i can conquer the world…. as soon as i get through my “to do” list posted on the fridge, after the vacuuming and laundry that needs to be done.  Laundry is a funny thing because it is never ‘done’ it is always piling up, it is always needing to be maintained… which is kind of like health and our bodies and our fitness levels.  How are our laundry levels?

I am looking forward to spending some time alone in the near future and read some new books, and let my mind thaw, and relax.  I want to get up early and see the sun rising as  i walk along the streets and parks in this city.  I want to get back on my bike and explore.  I want to go swimming at the outdoor pool when the weather gets nice.  I want to do more yoga and quiet my mind.  I want to travel and be alone in a big city.  Today is the starting point.  Goal: 155 pounds by the end of May.

Holy crap! I just jumped on the scale, i’m up on my weight, to say the least. I’ve been having so much fun lately with activity, i hadn’t noticed how much i put in my mouth! Measure, measure, measure. Pound that into my head. i think some of the weight may be muscle, as i tend to gain that easily… but still, weight is weight. It’s been a while since i wrote last. I seem to be really focusing on activities that are strength related, and have been skipping the cardio. Probably not such a good thing. i’ve been letting myself eat whatever i want as far as calories are concerned. Ugh. Time to step it up. I almost said time to get back– but no, i’m proud of myself and the activity i have been doing. I’m having fun, i’m enjoying life, i am just not losing any weight! So time to step it up. Step up the cardio, get the jogging in- and maybe some cycling, no matter how tired i feel. i think it’s time to get back to morning walks.  yes, it is.  My goals this week: 1. keep up the strength workouts, 2. Get in at least 30 mins of cardio 6 days this week, 3. Four 1-hour long morning walks this week, 4. Start to notice, cut back, write down what i eat. GO!

I was watching an episode of What Not to Wear this evening, as i am not privileged enough to have TLC at my place and have to take advantage of it now that i’m ‘home’ for the holidays.  Anywho, it was a What Not to Wear Marathon, and the episode i watched was a young women (my age) who did not believe she was beautiful and she totally is!  My heart goes out to her.  At the same time i was wondering, hmmm, if i were on that show i would be crying just as much as her over the same issues.  How did we get like this?  One thing that really got me was when she said she felt “confident” in her t-shirt and jeans.  I was like, ya, that’s soo me.  I totally feel confident and myself in my comfy clothes which are usually a t-shirt and jeans or yoga pants.  And Stacey said, no you don’t feel “confident”, you feel “safe”…. and i went, omg, that woman nailed it, she totally, entirely, articulated that feeling.  So i ask, when do we think we feel “confident” when really we aren’t and we’re just feeling “safe”.  My mother says i hide and i hate that she says that because i want to assert myself and say, “wait a minute, i am happy, and beautiful, and you don’t know me at all , and how dare you make that claim about me”… but the truth is, feeling confident in my clothes i know so well is feeling ’safe’ and hiding behind what i know…she’s right, which makes me sad.  And then i wonder, do people see through me?  Can they glance and go, “O that woman has no self-esteem, I can tell by what she wears, her posture, the way she smiles politely, the way she carries herself”.  Why should i care what other people think?  Because, human’s are social creatures, we need others, and part of the process is judging.  What about wearing nice clothes and feeling like a fake, like it’s not me, like i can’t pull it off, like i’m trying to look like a confident woman, but just look like a fat girl trying to wear nice clothes but can’t pull it off.  Judging judging judging, comparing comparing, what are they thinking?  Ack, listen to myself! So much negative self talk.  Turn it off, just turn it off.

I told myself that when i go ‘home’ i wouldn’t eat a ton, that i would stay away from the sugar, and that i would be so busy that i could just breeze through the hunger.  It’s day 2 and the opposite is true.  I can stop, i can stop, i can stop.  I need to breath deeply and think clearly and whisk away negative, overwhelming thoughts.  What i really want to do is go for a long walk and get lost.  But, it feels so dreary and rainy outside, i just don’t want to go there.

I want everything, i want to be beautiful, i want to be small, i want the world, and i want it all now!  Whenever i meet a new guy who i am actually interested in, i tell myself that i’m not good enough, that he couldn’t possibly like me because of how i look.  I’m feeling that way now, and it doesn’t feel good.  If i were just 25 pounds lighter with a nose job i would be good enough.  Safe, loved, valuable- the ultimate needs of human beings.  I need to remember that life is a process and everything comes in good time.  The process started a long time a go, and it keeps going whether i’m on track or not.  So make a good choice today.  Now that it is the evening and i have eaten pizza and ice cream, and more pizza and ice cream, i am making a decision to put on my shoes and go for a walk, regardless of the rain.   Tomorrow i will put on my shoes again, and when i’m overwhelmed and looking for something to soothe, i will think, choices and life in process.  I think i do best and am healthiest when i’m having fun and not thinking about the negatives and everything i’m doing wrong.  Tomorrow is another day.  Rise above the negative, see the beauty around me and try to see it in me too.  Goodnight!

Awesome. So apparenlty I am incapable of staying on track for longer than a week. A new guy comes and goes, school stress hits, and BOOM, it’s a month later and i’m picking up the pieces of my life. It took me all week of relaxing and unwinding to finally come back to this blog and face it… because facing it means truth. Nobody wants to come on here and write that they have gained weight, that they aren’t on track, they they’ve been eating every meal on the go and not caring, not measuring, etc. Nope. During my stress load i dropped my life, i dropped my early morning walks, and my jogs, and anything else that was keeping me sane. I let my laundry build up and my house get messy. I let myself eat anything i wanted. Awesome. No, not so awesome.

Time to get back. I’ve been doing activity just for fun. No measuring, no goals, just fun movement. It’s been sunny the last couple of days, so it wasn’t so difficult to get outside and put aside other things. The next step is to get some goals written down, which will include diet, sleep, activity/exercise, and the tasks that i need to get done over the break…. and then, restart. Blank slate. I can do it.

Looking back:

Wednesday I climbed– it was a good day for climbing. I didn’t do that many routes, but i finished a route that i previously had not been able to do.

Thursday I went for a swim– just a short one, no planned workout, just some continuous freestyle, kicking, pulling, for 30 mins. I went for a short, easy bike ride 45 mins– i got out there and the sun was going down, so i came in. And then i decided to go to yoga… and that was grreat. It was a really good class, it flowed, it relaxed me, and i walked home standing tall.

Friday i went out for that bike ride that i really wanted on thursday- but didn’t really go anywhere because of the lack of sunlight– so i went out for about an hour and a half… and just got lost. It was great. But, unmeasured and really slow, so i somehow felt disappointed, like i didn’t really accomplish anything.

Saturday i got up to go for a job and the day looked beautiful, but i psyched myself out of it saying that i had gotten up too late and everyone and their dog will be out at this time and that tonight would be a better time. Hmmm… i don’t know. I went to a yoga class this afternoon. it was more difficult than thursday’s, which was good, i worked on strength. i didn’t feel too graceful, but it’s ok, i know there is lots of improve on.

The past few days have been fun. My life seems like such a roller-coaster. Is there a way to keep it more balanced? A little more steady?

Tonight i will write some goals. Tomorrow morning i will weigh in and start over with new goals.

Wow, so i’m going a little off track, but still doing ok.  Yesterday when i woke up, i felt lighter overall and decided to weigh myself, of course.  the scale said 164!  That day I ate a later than usual breakfast, and then got a scone and tea misto at 1pm before work.  I got home after work and straight away went for the jog i had promised myself.   I was planning on meeting friends for dinner, so i didn’t eat even though i was famished.  by the time i got to the pub, i wasn’t hungry anymore and decided to order myself a diet coke.  after that i had 3 drinks total on an empty stomach and got so completely drunk that… well…. it made for an interesting night and unproductive sunday morning.   But it was a lot of fun.  Part of dieting is cutting out the alcohol, so this was the first time in a long time that i drank my calories, but it was fun, and i think it was ok as long as i don’t do it a lot.

Today i’m hungover.  I went for an unplanned early morning breakfast with the friends i went out with last night, and then had lunch with a friend later in the day which was already planned and couldn’t break… so i feel like i’m making up the calories now– while spending a lot of money eating out!  I’m tired and need to sleep.  Tonight I’m promising myself a late night jog along the ocean….. ah… beautiful.

I made my fitness goals this week… mostly… as long as i go for a jog tonight!  Another week ahead, time to make more goals.

165.5 Showed on the scale today. I am happy with that since my weight has been fluctuating all week. I’m trying not to weigh myself 4 times a day, but somehow I do it anyway. This week’s goals: get down to 164, and don’t weigh myself until next Friday. It’s going to be tough. Especially since i already feel like i’m slipping. I don’t feel like my calorie deficit is enough. I need to keep going. It’s so stressful at this time in the semester for me. I really want to go shopping and buy some bad food and sit down and write my papers and complete my projects with pizza and ice cream… the way it was in the past…. which is how i got to this point. I need to remember and tell myself that: a) that behavior is not healthy, and b) that’s how i got fat. I also need to keep some balance by sitting down to get my work done, and then going out to get some exercise. I suddenly have so many social plans this weekend on top of working. Ugh, how will i get it all done! I need some strength. I’m climbing tonight…. so looking forward to it. In the meantime I need to get down to work, without food!

Ahh, sigh…. today was so long.  Now it’s downhill for the rest of the week.  Today was pretty good, apart from the munching on this peanut, sesame cracker/chip thing and rice cracker mix that is totally addictive.  I had a test to write today and was feeling overwhelmed in the morning, so i started munching on this mix.  And then after hockey I munched on some more.  In fact… I haven’t actually sat down and had a real meal today.  I just got a tea misto on the fly to classes…. Oh, and one of my profs brought cookies.  It was right in the afternoon when i really wanted to eat a cookie too.  I need to learn to say no.  After class and the second cookie incident of the week, I came home and went for a run.  I just felt I needed the stress release.  Hockey didn’t leave me too tired.  I just ate a banana, a pear, and a few pieces of cheese for dinner.  Hopefully that will be enough to replenish my muscles for tomorrow.  I feel good, and worked, and i like that i have a plan.  But i don’t feel like i’m losing weight.  I don’t even feel like i’m sticking to the plan cleanly.  But even then, eating ‘clean’ is just some overly controlled way of eating anyway.  I don’t know.  I just don’t feel like I’m doing enough, and doing well enough to lose the weight.  Friday will be the one week mark and my official first weigh-in.  I don’t think anything is going move on that scale.  Partly because i’m still weighing myself 4 times a day.  And partly because i have my period right now and i don’t know what that’s doing to my weight.  I need to hang in there.

Diet

•  7:30am 1.5 cups cornflakes and soy milk
• 8:15am 1 cup peanut and rice cracker mix
• 11am 1 cup peanut and rice cracker mix, juice box
• 2:30pm tea misto, non-fat milk, sugar-free syrup, and a dried fruit and veggie bar
• 4:30pm a cookie… mmm.
• 7:15pm banana (a giant one), pear, 3 pieces of mozza cheese

Exercise

• hockey
• 25 min jog

So today was day 5.  I woke up in pain and without much range of motion in my neck.  Leah brought me some mystery anti-inflammatory pills when we met up for our walk, which happened to work well… but had to be taken with food, which kind of sucks because i didn’t need the extra calories that early.  The walk loosened up my neck and made me feel a lot better.  It was another great morning walk.   Today was a grazing day regarding food.  I ate things that I just didn’t need to.  Not a very clean day for food, but not too bad.  I just grazed on random things like soda-crackers, frozen corn, and soy nog.  AND I had sugar again today.  While I was working my partner had a big bag of gummy bears, which of course he shared with me, and which of course I ate.  I counted 18 gummy bears.  It wasn’t a good choice, but i think i could have done worse.  I went for a 40 min jog this evening.  I felt pretty energetic about it.  Tomorrow is another day of stress and classes.  I need to pack a lunch, and get through it without sugar.  Wow, i’m tired now, good night!