It is Sunday… yesterday i was 151, but today i weighed (i know i shouldn’t do that so often)… but i did…. and i am 150!  After the big triumph (weighing), i went for a 10k walk/run with a friend in the trails.  It was a beautiful sunday morning.  I am hungry, but i am choosing to go to bed.  Good night!

Another week has gone by, and i sit here to reflect and recover the events, and my energy, and wonder how i lose time so fast.  Somehow going out tonight seems like far too much energy.  And i am happy to sit and sort through my life… file away the papers and the homework, clean home, get ready for another week.  I was out last night all i could think of was how much i wanted to go home and sleep.  I often wonder how much of my life is spent planning and how much is spent doing.  On my to do list is to make a plan for the week… when will i ride to work/school (on my bike = exercise), when will i drive, when will i get in other forms of exercise, what groceries do i need to get so i can eat well this week… plan ahead of what kinds of things i will want to pack and eat for lunch, when will i get my assigments done this week… but without planning…. life would be a bit of a shit-show, i think.

So another week has gone by…. and i another pound down, yay! 151 pounds.  It feels really good to get here.  I feel like 140 is not that far away anymore.  i feel like i REALLY REALLY want to get under 150… and i think that will be difficult. I find it a bit odd that i am hung up on numbers.

One thing that is weird is… i can’t actually see my body change.  I can tell from clothes… and friends say i look great… but i can’t see it.  I find it weird.  The only thing i have noticed is that my quads are rather built up from riding my bike so much.  I look at old pictures of me and newer pictures of me and definitely see a difference.  Especially when i was in the 170s a few years ago… that’s nice to know.

I think the biggest difference between then and now is… maturity… taking the time to put myself first and know what i want…. instead of doing what everyone else was doing.  Taking the time to look good, eat well, and get exercise in makes me feel really good.  Lately the first thing get compromised has been sleep…. and I get really cranky and am not so nice to be around… so i think i need to fix that this week.  I just have to tell myself that IT’S OK if i don’t get everything done.  As long as i am taking care of myself, that is what counts.  Sounds pretty selfish, i know… but that’s what is working, that’s how i roll these days, and it’s what keeps me happy.

I was just looking back at the past year i have written here.  I started at 166.  Today I am 152.  I am 12 pounds away from my goal.  I can do it.  I am a different person than the one who starting writing this page last November.  I am more sure of myself and my life.  It feels good to get here.  I just hope i stay on this track of going up in confidence and down in weight.  I think weight loss is more about the inner than the outer.  You have to get your stuff lined up first on the inside, before it reflects on the outside.  Cliche, but true.  Probably cliche for a reason.

It is Saturday night.  I am home cooking and baking.  I made some pretty weird (awesome) cookies.  They are super healthy– i just made up the ingredients, a little bit o’ this, a little bit o’ that.  the 3 main ingredients ended up being ground oats, white kidney beans (pureed), and soy protein isolate.  There were lots of wet ingredients including a banana and apple sauce.  There also was NO egg, sugar, or fat… but of course there were plenty of chocolate chips.  I’m feeling pretty good after an insane week.  I am here to relax, regroup, and just chill before another steady week.  My bike was in the shop for 24 hrs having fenders put on.  I felt like a part of me was missing.  I have it back now and look forward to going for a ride tomorrow.  I think i will go to the early yoga class as well.  i need an excuse to get up early.  today i slept until 11:30am.  That is very unlike me, but i just couldn’t wake up.  Possibly as sign of stress.

Goals for this week: 1 pound down: to 151 pounds.  climb monday, yoga tuesday, gym wed and fri morning.  A long ride on thursday.  Ride to school mon, tues, fri.  i want to start walking again in the mornings.  i miss that.  The trouble is convincing myself to use that time for walking instead of last minute readings that i didn’t get done the night before.  perhaps i can compromise and go for  short run instead of a walk on those mornings.  We’ll see.

Yup… another check-in.  it has been awhile since i have wrote.  Things are crazy busy… school is the craziest it has ever been… but i have noticed a difference this year: i have put exercise as a priority and i don’t feel guilty about it.  my physical, mental, and emotional health (which i take care of through exercise) are far more important than getting readings done, or going out for coffee with friends or for beer.  My rationale: School is a social process and when time is short, i’m cutting out the time sitting around at the pub or at a friend’s house (as much as i love that)… so that i can get a bike ride in, or a yoga class, or a run, or a walk, or…. whatever my activity may be (or even better is planning social activities as going to a yoga class together or going for a walk together).  I feel far more productive and on top of life.  That is the secret my friends, physical activity… lots of it, continuously.  You don’t have to kill yourself…. but if you commute on your bike instead of in your car, you are not even sacrificing any time to get extra exercise in.  Yes, riding your bike to work can be a pain in the ass for the first week until you get a routine in… but now i’ve started craving my morning ride.  I guess in a way, one may criticize me by saying that i rely on exercise to clear my head and make me feel good, or i’m escaping my life and my school work by exercising… and in a way, it is true…. and in a way, the opposite is true.  I feel like i am really living when i am exercising because i am present, here and now, and in my body… and that is the best feeling.  It gets me ready for the rest of my tasks of the day.

Current weight: 153.  Astonishing, considering chocolate is my main food group.  I have been trying to get my carb sources from low glycemic or higher protein sources, such as tofu, beans, soy, yogurt, and milk.  But i still love breakfast cereal and bread and other starchy foods… i just keep them in check.  I find that my carb allowance goes to chocolate.  I think about what i am going to eat and it usually starts with quality carbs (like the onces listed above) with protein and then i give myself a choice of either starch or chocolate– but not both.  i think that is the difference.  in the past i have allowed myself to have sweets but only if i have a full/balanced meal first…. because that’s the way i grew up: dessert is only allowed after you have finished your dinner.  But that doesn’t make sense, it just means that you end up eating excess calories on top of calories. Bad idea. *** just want to make a special note in here that while i talk about protein and carbs, in no way do i follow the Atkins diet or believe in it.  i think that we are fat because we eat too much in general… too much of all three energy sources fat, carb, and protein.  we need a balance of all three energy sources to function.  the trick is getting the right amount and steadily so that we don’t crash and burn (late night chocolate fests).  that was just a little side note in case people think i eat mounds of bacon for breakfast.

New round of weight loss: my goals are to stop eating late (as i have been coming home late and feeling stressed go right for the bag of bulk chocolate almonds- bad idea), keep up the activity, and get down to 150 for mid october (4 weeks from now).  watch the nutritionally-challenged-muffins at school- another bad idea.  Other than that — i feel good.  i need to keep up all of this hard work and give myself a pat on the back for doing well and maintaining at the very least.  People have noticed that i am leaner and it always feels good to hear someone say “you’re losing lots of weight, hey?”, and know that my efforts are not going unnoticed.

It’s been a while since i’ve wrote last. I’m dead tired, running on no sleep… so i’m going to make this one short. Currently: 153 pounds. My short term goal: 150 pounds for back to school- that’s only 2.5 weeks away! i think i can do it. It seems my body is a little set on this weight… that, or i can’t control my chocolate cravings and i have plateaued. I’ve been getting a lot of feedback over the past month about how great i look. i admit– i love the attention! But, i’m a little down at how i have not really shrunk in size. I still fit into the same clothes. they are a little big on me, and some clothes are just too big. but if i go shopping, i’m still shopping for the same size.

it’s time to get super excited about another round of losing weight. 3 pounds in 2.5 weeks. I CAN DO IT. I know i can. School is stressful right now. i’m on survival mode and i don’t have energy to be social with people… which kind of sucks and makes this whole losing weight business less worthwhile. But, i will not get discouraged. i know that there has to be a deficiency in energy in order to lose weight… and once i’m there, i can start to be more balanced and overcompensate less. For physical activity, i have been riding my bike to school and work. I really like being out on the road in the morning… but being sweaty and gross is a drawback. I’ve been doing weights at the gym when i can and yoga about once a week. I’m just fitting things in when i can and not worrying too much. My main priority is balancing my mood and dealing with stress- and i do this with exercise… so… i guess burning calories is an added benefit. OK- will write more later. Sleep now.

Wow! it’s interesting the kind of effect stress can have on a body.  In the past week holidays ended and I have gone back to work and school.  It all set in quite quickly and i was striving to keep my life balanced and keeping me happy… and i’m still happy… but the stress is starting to pick up quite quickly as well…. kind of like a tornado– it just collects and keeps building larger and larger.  I sit here typing… 6:30pm, and keep thinking about the paper that is due tomorrow that i have not started.  Gah! Why do i do this?  Well, partly it is procrastination and partly it is that i’ve just been REALLY busy and i’m actually exhausted.  Funny how old habits set in.  Paper writing = stress = intake of chocolate, pasta, and other foods in copious amounts to distract me from the reality that i have to write a paper.  Current weight: 155.  I couldn’t keep up my momentum of losing weight.  I hate that.  Because what i really love is taking long walks and bike rides and i just don’t have time to do it all.  What i need to do is adjust the food intake and just restrict calories.  If only i could cope with the stress and then i would stop eating chocolate!!! ahhhh!

Ok. One thing at a time.  Step one: write the paper.  Step two.  Go for a walk or even a run tonight.  Step three: get enough sleep so i can get up and feel well enough to do it all again.  GO!

153 pounds, as of Tuesday. 2 more pounds down! I went away for 5 days, came back, was still 155 pounds… then went away for another 6 days where i got home cooking and was just chillaxing…. and came back, 153 pounds!! It really helped that i was away from the scale in between. Now that i’m home i keep weighing myself. I ate a bunch of salty food last night and again today (salty cheese, prosciutto and kalamata olives)… very rich food… and i felt myself retaining water. I got up this morning and weighed myself, 155 pounds-ish. I need to stop weighing myself 4 times a day… because today i felt like a cow, and the scale showed it too… 157 pounds this evening! All it does is get me down. So i’ve cleared my mind- clean slate- and i’m not weighing myself for another 4 days. That’s my goal, 4 days. The sad part is that what get’s me out of bed in the morning is the excitement of going to weigh myself… it’s addicting! I guess i’ve never really hit into 150’s so i’m a little excited, but scared to gain it back all at the same time. I ate sooo much today and this evening– pretty much put whatever i wanted into my mouth– it was a bad sight. Today was the first day back to work and school after the holidays. It started off a little bit rocky and stressful, but i think i will get used to being back in the real world. I need to adjust.
Another thing that i am worried about is seeing my mother this weekend. It’s been a few months since i have seen her, and i have dropped a tiny bit of weight– but on me it shows– and people have been commenting (which makes me smile)… but my mother commenting on my weight is another story. I don’t know why. I just wish she wouldn’t say anything about my weight and keep her comments to herself. Funny how mother-daughter relationships are. Anyway, so i’m worried about what and how she is going to say it. Will she say hi before she says “you’ve lost weight!” ? It makes me so uncomfortable and i’m not sure why.

I’m telling myself that today is just a down day and things will get better. Things WILL get better. I will adjust to my ever-evolving life. I will lose the weight and get even leaner. Thinking positively… well at least trying to. Now that i’ve missed aquafit this evening, maybe i will do a little yoga before bed. We’ll see.

155 pounds. One more pound down.  First Victory Mark.

I am down 11 pounds since i started this blog…. and it only took since last November… haha.  Well,     slow and steady wins the race.  My cup is still half full.  It’s all attitude from here on in.  11 down, 15 to go.  September is my goal.  I’ve been letting myself eat chocolate and other sweets since jumping on the scale yesterday and seeing the 155.  and then today… is it really still 155?  It’s not a 155… O i’m just hungover and deyhdrated… NO- it REALLY IS 155.  I am allowing myself a little victory dance.

I need to keep up the physical activity and all of the walking i have been doing.  I am going on holiday for a couple weeks and when i get back my life will pick up again into high stress load as i go back to school.  I need to keep losing.  I need to keep this tranquil space in my mind and in my life.  I am in control.  I stand tall.  I make choices: healthy choices.  I am doing what’s best for me and what makes me happy.  I need to keep up the physical activity because i know it is what makes me lose and what makes me happy.

i can, i know, i will, that everything i want i can achieve.

Ready, set, GO!

156 pounds. Another pound down. I woke up this morning slightly dehydrated, having that sucked in feeling (from one pint of beer– yes, i am a cheap drunk). Somehow i am able to tolerate less and less alcohol these days… but it’s ok with me because it means less calories and more money in my pocket. Anyway… what i was going to say was that when i woke feeling less than great, i weighed 154 pounds. Somehow that made me feel great… but i knew that as soon as i ate and drank some water and let my body restore itself that the weight would jump up. And it did. I went for a bike ride (60km hills), on this beautiful Saturday morning through the empty roads outside of the city and just felt… blissful. I came home, took a shower, and then re-weighed. 156 pounds. I’m happy. I think I can do this, finally. THIS being losing weight.  I think i can hit bumps in my life, eat chocolate, have an emotional melt down or two, and then pick up and keep on going. I don’t think losing weight is linear in time or weight. I think it can take its ups and downs and its slow times. We’ll see! Hopefully i’m not speaking too soon and keep losing on my road ahead. I’m just a little excited to be sub-160… finally.

I feel so hungry all the time. Even when i eat, i feel hungry right after! It’s difficult not to just give in and eat more, but knowing that feeling hungry is part of the process and my metabolism must be up from the activity. This week, some of the highlights of my plate were home-made mixed-bean soup in a vegetable base… mmm, it was good. I also made quinoa and black bean salad in a curry-vinegar sort-of base.  I’m not going to pretend to know anything about cooking… I’m a terrible cook.  This is just me trying to eat a healthier range of foods on my time off.  I find that I’m eating more vegetarian foods… partly because meat is expensive, partly because I can’t seem to cook meat so that i want to eat it, and partly because there is so much variety and flavor in vegetarian dishes that i want to explore.

SO I’m back on the bike. I rode with a friend and her friends the other night. i wanted to DIE. they were so fast… they just dragged me up those hills.. up up up… i thought it would never end…. and then down…. ahhh, yes. It was a challenge and a reality check more than anything to tell me how unconditioned I am. It’s tough though. If my goals are to be balanced and just have fun doing a variety of activities– well then of course i won’t be as fast as a seasoned rider like my friend. I wanted to vomit when i got home. But i had fun. A new experience like that is always (well, usually) exhilarating.  I told myself this morning, as i was listening to my tunes on my ride, that i really really love this- and why don’t i do more of it?  I think if i ride more, i can keep my metabolism up and lose the pounds easier.  A 2-3 hour ride does a lot more than a 30 min run.  Hmmm… how long can i keep it up? Hopefully through the summer while the weather is nice.  Time is an issue too.  But I guess it comes down to priorities.  Doing 2-3 hours 3 times a week of something i find blissful is worth it i think.  I can do other activities on the days in between.  Yes, i think that sounds good.  Sigh, i am sleepy and i deserve a good sleep tonight! I’ve worked hard!

Well, guess what?  I’m still 157 pounds.  I’m OK with it though.  Condsidering how much chocolate I have eaten in the past week, I don’t know i haven’t gained weight.  The last two mornings i have gotten up early and taken my walking to the park on the other side of town, which has a bunch of different trails that go up and down among a couple small mountain peaks (itty bitty peaks).  It is nice.  It takes time, that is, getting there and coming home… but i feel so good and peaceful after.  There is hardly anybody on the trails, just a few dog-walkers.  I tend to get lost easily and i have done so both mornings, but i think i am learning my way around.  I take my ipod and remember to stand tall and breathe deeply.  A guy at work lent me some music that is new to me, which makes the experience that much better.   I love being introduced to new music, i feel like i’m entering a new era in my life.  For so long i felt like a chapter was closing (which is kind of a glass-half-empty view of my life), but now i feel like this is a new chapter emerging.  Just walking along within the trees, breathing through my nose to make sure i can take in the fresh smell.  It has been raining here on and off the last couple days and i am kind of enjoying it.  The rain is just washing everything away, making everything fresh again.

I have been trying hard to stop my ridiculous amount of sleeping.  I know that what i really love is getting up early while everyone is still asleep and having the trails and streets to myself to collect my thoughts and collect myself, and just …. live.  Soon the weather will be too hot to exercise during the day anyway, so i will have no other option.  Walking, running, hiking, cycling, i love it all.  I need to remember that.  This is what i love, this is who I AM.  A friend of mine recently suggested that perhaps i do physical activity to escape my real life.  I laughed at first, and then got defensive and wondered if she was right.  Why do i feel antsy when i haven’t been active?  Why do i have trouble living my life and feeling ok when i haven’t been active?  It took me a while to realize it, but… not only is it what I have always done and what i know… but, physical activity is just like how it sounds– it is physical– it is the easiest way back to our bodies- for centering, for grounding, for knowing our needs.  So in fact, it is actually the opposite of what my friend suggests– it is not an escape, but a sort of homecoming or checking in.  Ahh, sigh, peaceful.  Be, here, now.  Peaceful, in my body, at this moment.  Not far away with my mind and my thoughts… but here, now.  I also seem to work things out better when i am moving– perhaps a kinesthetic learner?  You know how people have different learning styles… i may be just the moving type.  It doesn’t really matter.  I am just glad that I have overcome yet another bump and learned something about myself… and maybe it’s time to get new friends!

So an early hike it was.  I cooked yesterday and the day before (which is huge for me!).  I usually just grab food on the run.  Cooking and cleanup takes so long.  I enjoy cooking, but then get frustrated when i don’t make it to my yoga class because the quinoa didn’t cook fast enough!  Gosh! So much work!  How do people do this every day?!  People actually live like this?  haha…. yes, i know, how do I live like this?!  I am finally enjoying my time off, i just wish it would last longer!  Finally feeling comfortable spending my ME time and not feeling like i’m wasting my afternoon (or my LIFE) cooking soup.