Done, done, DONE! School is finally over.  What a long, draining ride.  There are so many things i want to do, so many things i HAVE to do–  and get caught up on.  I’m finally getting over my cold.  My spirits are lifting by the hour.  I am dreaming of warm sun and beaches.  Ironically the city is getting a hit of snow.  It’s so funny- the city i live in doesn’t normally get snow- so when it does, usually only once or twice a year– the whole thing shuts down!  I was supposed to meet some friends for dinner and i didn’t make it out of my driveway with the car.  So i walked to the bus stop and the buses wheren’t running.  Pathetic.  So i walked back home all bundled in my scarf and long wool coat… it was beautiful.  I felt a bit like Bridget Jones in a snow storm… except i was fully dressed.  I decided to stay in and skip the dinner out.  Luckily i anticipated the snow coming and stalked up on groceries earlier today, so i had something nutritious and fresh to eat for dinner… and hopefully can make it last until the streets clear and i can drive my car.

Last night i went to yoga for the first time in over a month.  I didn’t have time… well, i made time, obviously, but was feeling guilty that i should have been somewhere else studying for my exam.  At one point i finally let go of the guilt that i was spending time on myself and just enjoyed the class.  I felt so much better.  I went in feeling sick with stress and a cold- and i came out feeling fully grounded inside myself and on top of life…. and my nose clear (must have been the downward dogs!).  It’s funny how i get into this mind set where i tell myself i don’t have time and i am “not allowed” to give myself time to relax or just enjoy life.  No time to exercise!  BUT– i do allow myself to eat whatever i want… interesting.  I think i’m about 3 pounds up… around 153.  My jeans felt tight today.  It scared me a bit.  But i can’t dwell on it now. School is over and now i will just this time to put on my boots and walk in the snow and dream up big dreams.  Time to turn this shit show around.  Time to start thinking, “I CAN”.  Time to get moving again, get the ball rolling.

I am that.

My goals are simple ones: do the dishes, clean the bathroom, wash the floors.  But first, i promised myself one more walk this evening. it’s so beautiful out there… and i live in a beautiful neighborhood. i think i will bring my camera.

goals continued: put my school paper-work away, clean off the top of the kitchen table so i can actually see it.  Sleep.  Take out the recycling.  Take another long walk.  Catch a yoga or pilates class.  Perhaps rearrange the furniture.

I need to rest rest rest before i go into the school in January.  Right now i have nothing to give.  I need to feed myself… in the life-energy sense.  I feel like laying low for a while and re-energizing.

I’ve been thinking about thinking…. haha…. there’s a word for that: metacognition.  Anyway, i think goals and weight loss, etc, are about believing you can get there, and believing you already are on your way.  Interesting how something like your thoughts can have so much power over how you perceive your life… and they really affect your results too.  I have CHOICE and i choose to think positively and see my life and my body in a positive light.  Last summer when the weight came off suddenly, i was in a place where i was blissfully happy.  i had never been better.  I recognize my thought pattern during that time… partly the stress was lower and i was getting back to things i loved– like riding my bike– and partly i was just living in MYSELF… i was being selfish (in a good way), and feeding myself, focusing on myself, GIVING myself the allowance to spend whatever time i chose on just living for ME.  I remember seeing my old boss who i hadn’t seen in a while– and she told me i looked great, that i just had a glow and that i seemed happy– and i told her, “I am happy”.  I think it’s getting into this space of being grateful and happy with ourselves where things start to change.  Beating myself up for eating too much chocolate and not exercising enough when i don’t allow myself the time the exercise…. does not serve anything.  I choose to be blissful again and take the time to do things for myself that serve me and make me feel blissful.

I would like to get down to 147 for the new year.  I think i can do it.