Time has flown.  Things have been a little out of control.  School is finally almost over, forever…. and I am…. exhausted.  I just got home from work, started out with ice cream straight out of the carton, and then went for the frozen pizza. All gone.  I sit here, feeling sick and the guilt sets in.

This morning i weighed 150 lbs.  That is the lowest in a long time.  things have been in the 152-153 zone.  I think i will wake up tomorrow and weigh 154, i feel so sick and out of control.

I’m hoping all of this stress will end soon.  It has already started to slow down, i got sick with a cold  immediately.  To  deal with exhaustion, the to do list still lingering, and this cold, i am just ‘letting’ myself stuff my face with garbage high-fat food.  The guilt sets in, i say “why did i do that?” and then history repeats itself. Why why why?

I’m starting to get antsy with my life because i don’t know what i will be doing past April. I don’t know where i will be, what job i will have- what town?  I can view it as an exciting mystery that will just unfold… or… i can sit here and get anxious about not having any future security.  I turn 25 soon.  These are the days that are supposed to be crazy and dishevelled and unknowing.  They are.  So why am i so overwhelmed with the uncertainty?  I just have to ride the wave…. it’s an adventure, i need to be ok with it.  i’m finally at the point where i always wanted to be: standing with my toes peering over the edge, ready to jump– and for some reason, i’m just anxious to be at the next step.  Why not just enjoy this time?  Why not just enjoy the end, where i have got to, be proud and grateful?  I am almost 25, i started when i was 18, i have come a long way.  Way to go.  What i deserve is a long walk, not the rest of the ice cream.  What i deserve is a good nights sleep and a hot bath…. not the McCain frozen cake i bought yesterday.  I find it interesting that we literally punish ourselves with this food.  It’s like i can’t even rationalize in the moment– it’s kind of scary, actually.

I find that i get to where i want to be by feeling GOOD and thinking positively, not by beating myself for what i did, and punishing myself for what i ate.  “you were bad and now you can’t eat ANYTHING for 3 days”.  ya right.  like that’s going to happen.  and then the cycle continues.  I know i can CHANGE my thoughts and that will have me change my behaviour.  I CHOOSE to be positive for this evening.  I have work to do, and i beat myself up that i have not done it.  How about i CHOOSE to be postiive, be nice to myself and say, “i accept myself for putting this work off and now this is time to start it”.

I know, i believe, i will.

I am not in a bad sport with now.  Let’s re-phrase that.   i am in a fairly good spot right now.  I have goals to get to an even better spot.  But let’s just sit back and be grateful for how far i’ve come.

To get to this even-better spot, i am going to:

1. Eat healthy vegetables, fruits, a variety of grains, beans, nuts, meats, and low-fat dairy.

2. Ride through the winter when it isn’t snowing. 2x week.

3. Start swimming again. 2x week.

4. Do a variety of activity that is both indoors and outdoors- aerobics, spinning, weight room, climbing, yoga, pilates, running, riding, swimming, hiking, snow-sports (when i can afford it).

5.  There is a triathlon in March…. i’m thinking about training for it… it’s a fun one… but i don’t want to commit…. maybe if i start swimming over the break. we’ll see.

6. Start walking again.  1 hour everyday.

Ok… time to start the work. GO!