Getting back on track… well, sort of.  I am getting my life back on track, is what i mean to say.  I didn’t weigh myself this morning (check mark).   I am currently waiting for my laundry to finish and have started to reorganize my house.  Yay, finally!  There is a pile of paper around me that needs attention.  O paper work.  But i am feeling positive and feel like i am emerging from deep layers of fatigue and disheveled-ness.  It’s all about the come-back.

After work today i bundled up and went for a run (45 mins) in the snow, along the water front, through the city park.  I got back just as the sun started to tuck away.  Blissful.  I felt like my day went to shit and that i got nothing done.  And then i decided to rethink that– and that my focus today was enjoying my run.  Not getting my run done… as if it is something on my list to check off… but just to seize the moment and enjoy this time, for what it is, breathing, deeply, in myself the only runner out there amongst dog walkers and winter coats, fresh, untouched snow… people shoveling the sidewalks.  Enjoy, this, now.… because it is what it is, and i will not have knees forever…. and i will not have the kind of life forever, where i can just choose to blow off the afternoon and focus my life on today’s run.  I am grateful for my run.

Done, done, DONE! School is finally over.  What a long, draining ride.  There are so many things i want to do, so many things i HAVE to do–  and get caught up on.  I’m finally getting over my cold.  My spirits are lifting by the hour.  I am dreaming of warm sun and beaches.  Ironically the city is getting a hit of snow.  It’s so funny- the city i live in doesn’t normally get snow- so when it does, usually only once or twice a year– the whole thing shuts down!  I was supposed to meet some friends for dinner and i didn’t make it out of my driveway with the car.  So i walked to the bus stop and the buses wheren’t running.  Pathetic.  So i walked back home all bundled in my scarf and long wool coat… it was beautiful.  I felt a bit like Bridget Jones in a snow storm… except i was fully dressed.  I decided to stay in and skip the dinner out.  Luckily i anticipated the snow coming and stalked up on groceries earlier today, so i had something nutritious and fresh to eat for dinner… and hopefully can make it last until the streets clear and i can drive my car.

Last night i went to yoga for the first time in over a month.  I didn’t have time… well, i made time, obviously, but was feeling guilty that i should have been somewhere else studying for my exam.  At one point i finally let go of the guilt that i was spending time on myself and just enjoyed the class.  I felt so much better.  I went in feeling sick with stress and a cold- and i came out feeling fully grounded inside myself and on top of life…. and my nose clear (must have been the downward dogs!).  It’s funny how i get into this mind set where i tell myself i don’t have time and i am “not allowed” to give myself time to relax or just enjoy life.  No time to exercise!  BUT– i do allow myself to eat whatever i want… interesting.  I think i’m about 3 pounds up… around 153.  My jeans felt tight today.  It scared me a bit.  But i can’t dwell on it now. School is over and now i will just this time to put on my boots and walk in the snow and dream up big dreams.  Time to turn this shit show around.  Time to start thinking, “I CAN”.  Time to get moving again, get the ball rolling.

I am that.

My goals are simple ones: do the dishes, clean the bathroom, wash the floors.  But first, i promised myself one more walk this evening. it’s so beautiful out there… and i live in a beautiful neighborhood. i think i will bring my camera.

goals continued: put my school paper-work away, clean off the top of the kitchen table so i can actually see it.  Sleep.  Take out the recycling.  Take another long walk.  Catch a yoga or pilates class.  Perhaps rearrange the furniture.

I need to rest rest rest before i go into the school in January.  Right now i have nothing to give.  I need to feed myself… in the life-energy sense.  I feel like laying low for a while and re-energizing.

I’ve been thinking about thinking…. haha…. there’s a word for that: metacognition.  Anyway, i think goals and weight loss, etc, are about believing you can get there, and believing you already are on your way.  Interesting how something like your thoughts can have so much power over how you perceive your life… and they really affect your results too.  I have CHOICE and i choose to think positively and see my life and my body in a positive light.  Last summer when the weight came off suddenly, i was in a place where i was blissfully happy.  i had never been better.  I recognize my thought pattern during that time… partly the stress was lower and i was getting back to things i loved– like riding my bike– and partly i was just living in MYSELF… i was being selfish (in a good way), and feeding myself, focusing on myself, GIVING myself the allowance to spend whatever time i chose on just living for ME.  I remember seeing my old boss who i hadn’t seen in a while– and she told me i looked great, that i just had a glow and that i seemed happy– and i told her, “I am happy”.  I think it’s getting into this space of being grateful and happy with ourselves where things start to change.  Beating myself up for eating too much chocolate and not exercising enough when i don’t allow myself the time the exercise…. does not serve anything.  I choose to be blissful again and take the time to do things for myself that serve me and make me feel blissful.

I would like to get down to 147 for the new year.  I think i can do it.

Time has flown.  Things have been a little out of control.  School is finally almost over, forever…. and I am…. exhausted.  I just got home from work, started out with ice cream straight out of the carton, and then went for the frozen pizza. All gone.  I sit here, feeling sick and the guilt sets in.

This morning i weighed 150 lbs.  That is the lowest in a long time.  things have been in the 152-153 zone.  I think i will wake up tomorrow and weigh 154, i feel so sick and out of control.

I’m hoping all of this stress will end soon.  It has already started to slow down, i got sick with a cold  immediately.  To  deal with exhaustion, the to do list still lingering, and this cold, i am just ‘letting’ myself stuff my face with garbage high-fat food.  The guilt sets in, i say “why did i do that?” and then history repeats itself. Why why why?

I’m starting to get antsy with my life because i don’t know what i will be doing past April. I don’t know where i will be, what job i will have- what town?  I can view it as an exciting mystery that will just unfold… or… i can sit here and get anxious about not having any future security.  I turn 25 soon.  These are the days that are supposed to be crazy and dishevelled and unknowing.  They are.  So why am i so overwhelmed with the uncertainty?  I just have to ride the wave…. it’s an adventure, i need to be ok with it.  i’m finally at the point where i always wanted to be: standing with my toes peering over the edge, ready to jump– and for some reason, i’m just anxious to be at the next step.  Why not just enjoy this time?  Why not just enjoy the end, where i have got to, be proud and grateful?  I am almost 25, i started when i was 18, i have come a long way.  Way to go.  What i deserve is a long walk, not the rest of the ice cream.  What i deserve is a good nights sleep and a hot bath…. not the McCain frozen cake i bought yesterday.  I find it interesting that we literally punish ourselves with this food.  It’s like i can’t even rationalize in the moment– it’s kind of scary, actually.

I find that i get to where i want to be by feeling GOOD and thinking positively, not by beating myself for what i did, and punishing myself for what i ate.  “you were bad and now you can’t eat ANYTHING for 3 days”.  ya right.  like that’s going to happen.  and then the cycle continues.  I know i can CHANGE my thoughts and that will have me change my behaviour.  I CHOOSE to be positive for this evening.  I have work to do, and i beat myself up that i have not done it.  How about i CHOOSE to be postiive, be nice to myself and say, “i accept myself for putting this work off and now this is time to start it”.

I know, i believe, i will.

I am not in a bad sport with now.  Let’s re-phrase that.   i am in a fairly good spot right now.  I have goals to get to an even better spot.  But let’s just sit back and be grateful for how far i’ve come.

To get to this even-better spot, i am going to:

1. Eat healthy vegetables, fruits, a variety of grains, beans, nuts, meats, and low-fat dairy.

2. Ride through the winter when it isn’t snowing. 2x week.

3. Start swimming again. 2x week.

4. Do a variety of activity that is both indoors and outdoors- aerobics, spinning, weight room, climbing, yoga, pilates, running, riding, swimming, hiking, snow-sports (when i can afford it).

5.  There is a triathlon in March…. i’m thinking about training for it… it’s a fun one… but i don’t want to commit…. maybe if i start swimming over the break. we’ll see.

6. Start walking again.  1 hour everyday.

Ok… time to start the work. GO!