Maintaining at 150.  I’ve been binging for days now, it’s pretty bad.  The stress is high, the work productivity is low.  I seem to be worrying about everything i have to do, more than actually doing it.  I occupy myself with sweet and starchy food.. yum, chocolate, bready stuff, ice cream, hot chocolate, wine gyms… yup, it’s been bad.  I have fallen off the wagon… and have so much to do!  I am preoccupied with the thought of weight gain and weight loss and then just eat eat eat… and my school work– it needs to get done or i’ll never graduate!!!

Stop here.  Let the stream of thoughts flow by.  Sit tall while i type at my laptop.  Think about breathing, think about posture, shoulder-blades sliding down my back, spine reaching to the ceiling.  Breath deeply into my body.  Re-connect.  Breathe.  Connect.  I am… here… now… in my body… not OUT THERE somewhere orbiting around something else.  I am here, now.  What matters right now is that i get those assignments for class done, and that i go to bed.  Tomorrow i will wake up early and go for a walk before i go to school.

Just before i started writing, i calculated my BMI to be 25.3!  3 pounds less and i’ll be at 24.8, officially healthy weight.  Somehow making that mark into “normal” is such a big deal for me.  Like i am no longer responsible for being overweight… ’cause i’m not!! well, not yet… but close.

Goodnight.

Re-evaluate here.  I’m at a good spot: 150 pounds.  I have lost 16 pounds since writing this blog.  It’s not a huge amount, but it is the process which has been so important.  i think i have found things i didn’t know i lost… i think i have grown more into myself and figured out what makes me happy.  I think i have finally learned to put myself front and centre and it’s ok.  i have found that people respond to me differently when i stand tall and smile…  i have re-found my bicycle and how happy and free it makes me feel.

At this mark i need to re-evaluate my goals.  Are my goals weight related?  Yes, i guess mostly.  I want to get down to 140.  I am 10 pounds away.  I need to check in with exercise and diet.  Both are pretty good… they are not overly controlled or planned… but i find i do better that way.  I think if i set up a general outline for working out… i can see what my week looks like.  I spend way to much money on groceries that go bad before i end up eating them… i think quick stuff on the run is a better way to go and time-saver.  Spinach salads… proteins such as tofu and chicken and beans… etc.  Still not buying bread, but will eat it when i’m out (in moderation).  I think i need to stop buying chocolate and wine gums… i tend to go overboard… it’s bad.  As long as i have my super-crazy-healthy-cookies… i think that will curb the chocolate cravings. And i think i can also give up alcohol for a month… i can do without the calories, hang-overs, and any embarrassing stories that i may regret later.

Fitness goals: i want variety… i want… freedom… trees… outside.

1 long run around the lakes

2 shorter runs

1 hike/walk/run through one of the parks

ride to school 3-4 x / week.

weights (mix it up), 3x / week

climb once a week

yoga 2x

So these are the goals for the next month.  I’m aiming for 145 by november.  That’s 5 pounds this month… ugh… i’m not sure i can lose that fast… but i’m going to try.

Sooo, i’ve realized that… A lot has happened and i haven’t really taken the time to reflect.  Time has flown.  Time flies as i sit here typing.  I can’t figure out how i put aside so much time to get my school work done and all i end up doing is outlining what i am supposed to do, but don’t get anything done.  Physical activity and healthy eating seem to be taking the front seats in my life.  I love being active, i love being outside.  But somehow there is something that makes me feel incredible irresponsible to live this way– that is- to put myself and my happiness first over school work or making money to support myself.  What about the rest of my life?  I am at the end of my degree… the homestretch, i can’t give it all up now.  I need to take pride… i need to take balance.  What about my social life?  What about the friends who i don’t call back, or say i’ll make plans with and then blow off so i can go get lost in the woods by myself?  I tell myself, well, that’s what i need more at this point.  School is such a social process, i feel so overwhelmed and overworked that i don’t really want to see people when i’m not at school.  i guess that’s why i’m enjoying being active and exercising… it’s a stress release.  I have vegetable soup on the stove cooking.  in the past three hours i have: had a bath, cooked soup, eaten some other easy stuff– yogurt, fruit, broccoli, my-super-healthy-cookies,…. thats pretty random for diet…. i’ve thought about all of the emails i have to write, all of the things i have to do for school… but i haven’t actually done them.. hmmm.  This isn’t good.  I think this is time to write new goals…. to deal with life- just living… because being healthy is living healthy, and i need to balance some things out.  I’m starting to get anxious when i don’t get enough exercise in, like i’m going to gain 23 pounds and turn into a blimp… like i’m going to put on everything i’ve worked so hard to lose.  Time to re-evaluate.  I think i’m in a good spot to do it too… as i have just hit 150 pounds.  New goals…. coming soon.