It is Sunday… yesterday i was 151, but today i weighed (i know i shouldn’t do that so often)… but i did…. and i am 150!  After the big triumph (weighing), i went for a 10k walk/run with a friend in the trails.  It was a beautiful sunday morning.  I am hungry, but i am choosing to go to bed.  Good night!

Another week has gone by, and i sit here to reflect and recover the events, and my energy, and wonder how i lose time so fast.  Somehow going out tonight seems like far too much energy.  And i am happy to sit and sort through my life… file away the papers and the homework, clean home, get ready for another week.  I was out last night all i could think of was how much i wanted to go home and sleep.  I often wonder how much of my life is spent planning and how much is spent doing.  On my to do list is to make a plan for the week… when will i ride to work/school (on my bike = exercise), when will i drive, when will i get in other forms of exercise, what groceries do i need to get so i can eat well this week… plan ahead of what kinds of things i will want to pack and eat for lunch, when will i get my assigments done this week… but without planning…. life would be a bit of a shit-show, i think.

So another week has gone by…. and i another pound down, yay! 151 pounds.  It feels really good to get here.  I feel like 140 is not that far away anymore.  i feel like i REALLY REALLY want to get under 150… and i think that will be difficult. I find it a bit odd that i am hung up on numbers.

One thing that is weird is… i can’t actually see my body change.  I can tell from clothes… and friends say i look great… but i can’t see it.  I find it weird.  The only thing i have noticed is that my quads are rather built up from riding my bike so much.  I look at old pictures of me and newer pictures of me and definitely see a difference.  Especially when i was in the 170s a few years ago… that’s nice to know.

I think the biggest difference between then and now is… maturity… taking the time to put myself first and know what i want…. instead of doing what everyone else was doing.  Taking the time to look good, eat well, and get exercise in makes me feel really good.  Lately the first thing get compromised has been sleep…. and I get really cranky and am not so nice to be around… so i think i need to fix that this week.  I just have to tell myself that IT’S OK if i don’t get everything done.  As long as i am taking care of myself, that is what counts.  Sounds pretty selfish, i know… but that’s what is working, that’s how i roll these days, and it’s what keeps me happy.

I was just looking back at the past year i have written here.  I started at 166.  Today I am 152.  I am 12 pounds away from my goal.  I can do it.  I am a different person than the one who starting writing this page last November.  I am more sure of myself and my life.  It feels good to get here.  I just hope i stay on this track of going up in confidence and down in weight.  I think weight loss is more about the inner than the outer.  You have to get your stuff lined up first on the inside, before it reflects on the outside.  Cliche, but true.  Probably cliche for a reason.

It is Saturday night.  I am home cooking and baking.  I made some pretty weird (awesome) cookies.  They are super healthy– i just made up the ingredients, a little bit o’ this, a little bit o’ that.  the 3 main ingredients ended up being ground oats, white kidney beans (pureed), and soy protein isolate.  There were lots of wet ingredients including a banana and apple sauce.  There also was NO egg, sugar, or fat… but of course there were plenty of chocolate chips.  I’m feeling pretty good after an insane week.  I am here to relax, regroup, and just chill before another steady week.  My bike was in the shop for 24 hrs having fenders put on.  I felt like a part of me was missing.  I have it back now and look forward to going for a ride tomorrow.  I think i will go to the early yoga class as well.  i need an excuse to get up early.  today i slept until 11:30am.  That is very unlike me, but i just couldn’t wake up.  Possibly as sign of stress.

Goals for this week: 1 pound down: to 151 pounds.  climb monday, yoga tuesday, gym wed and fri morning.  A long ride on thursday.  Ride to school mon, tues, fri.  i want to start walking again in the mornings.  i miss that.  The trouble is convincing myself to use that time for walking instead of last minute readings that i didn’t get done the night before.  perhaps i can compromise and go for  short run instead of a walk on those mornings.  We’ll see.

Yup… another check-in.  it has been awhile since i have wrote.  Things are crazy busy… school is the craziest it has ever been… but i have noticed a difference this year: i have put exercise as a priority and i don’t feel guilty about it.  my physical, mental, and emotional health (which i take care of through exercise) are far more important than getting readings done, or going out for coffee with friends or for beer.  My rationale: School is a social process and when time is short, i’m cutting out the time sitting around at the pub or at a friend’s house (as much as i love that)… so that i can get a bike ride in, or a yoga class, or a run, or a walk, or…. whatever my activity may be (or even better is planning social activities as going to a yoga class together or going for a walk together).  I feel far more productive and on top of life.  That is the secret my friends, physical activity… lots of it, continuously.  You don’t have to kill yourself…. but if you commute on your bike instead of in your car, you are not even sacrificing any time to get extra exercise in.  Yes, riding your bike to work can be a pain in the ass for the first week until you get a routine in… but now i’ve started craving my morning ride.  I guess in a way, one may criticize me by saying that i rely on exercise to clear my head and make me feel good, or i’m escaping my life and my school work by exercising… and in a way, it is true…. and in a way, the opposite is true.  I feel like i am really living when i am exercising because i am present, here and now, and in my body… and that is the best feeling.  It gets me ready for the rest of my tasks of the day.

Current weight: 153.  Astonishing, considering chocolate is my main food group.  I have been trying to get my carb sources from low glycemic or higher protein sources, such as tofu, beans, soy, yogurt, and milk.  But i still love breakfast cereal and bread and other starchy foods… i just keep them in check.  I find that my carb allowance goes to chocolate.  I think about what i am going to eat and it usually starts with quality carbs (like the onces listed above) with protein and then i give myself a choice of either starch or chocolate– but not both.  i think that is the difference.  in the past i have allowed myself to have sweets but only if i have a full/balanced meal first…. because that’s the way i grew up: dessert is only allowed after you have finished your dinner.  But that doesn’t make sense, it just means that you end up eating excess calories on top of calories. Bad idea. *** just want to make a special note in here that while i talk about protein and carbs, in no way do i follow the Atkins diet or believe in it.  i think that we are fat because we eat too much in general… too much of all three energy sources fat, carb, and protein.  we need a balance of all three energy sources to function.  the trick is getting the right amount and steadily so that we don’t crash and burn (late night chocolate fests).  that was just a little side note in case people think i eat mounds of bacon for breakfast.

New round of weight loss: my goals are to stop eating late (as i have been coming home late and feeling stressed go right for the bag of bulk chocolate almonds- bad idea), keep up the activity, and get down to 150 for mid october (4 weeks from now).  watch the nutritionally-challenged-muffins at school- another bad idea.  Other than that — i feel good.  i need to keep up all of this hard work and give myself a pat on the back for doing well and maintaining at the very least.  People have noticed that i am leaner and it always feels good to hear someone say “you’re losing lots of weight, hey?”, and know that my efforts are not going unnoticed.