155 pounds. One more pound down.  First Victory Mark.

I am down 11 pounds since i started this blog…. and it only took since last November… haha.  Well,     slow and steady wins the race.  My cup is still half full.  It’s all attitude from here on in.  11 down, 15 to go.  September is my goal.  I’ve been letting myself eat chocolate and other sweets since jumping on the scale yesterday and seeing the 155.  and then today… is it really still 155?  It’s not a 155… O i’m just hungover and deyhdrated… NO- it REALLY IS 155.  I am allowing myself a little victory dance.

I need to keep up the physical activity and all of the walking i have been doing.  I am going on holiday for a couple weeks and when i get back my life will pick up again into high stress load as i go back to school.  I need to keep losing.  I need to keep this tranquil space in my mind and in my life.  I am in control.  I stand tall.  I make choices: healthy choices.  I am doing what’s best for me and what makes me happy.  I need to keep up the physical activity because i know it is what makes me lose and what makes me happy.

i can, i know, i will, that everything i want i can achieve.

Ready, set, GO!

156 pounds. Another pound down. I woke up this morning slightly dehydrated, having that sucked in feeling (from one pint of beer– yes, i am a cheap drunk). Somehow i am able to tolerate less and less alcohol these days… but it’s ok with me because it means less calories and more money in my pocket. Anyway… what i was going to say was that when i woke feeling less than great, i weighed 154 pounds. Somehow that made me feel great… but i knew that as soon as i ate and drank some water and let my body restore itself that the weight would jump up. And it did. I went for a bike ride (60km hills), on this beautiful Saturday morning through the empty roads outside of the city and just felt… blissful. I came home, took a shower, and then re-weighed. 156 pounds. I’m happy. I think I can do this, finally. THIS being losing weight.  I think i can hit bumps in my life, eat chocolate, have an emotional melt down or two, and then pick up and keep on going. I don’t think losing weight is linear in time or weight. I think it can take its ups and downs and its slow times. We’ll see! Hopefully i’m not speaking too soon and keep losing on my road ahead. I’m just a little excited to be sub-160… finally.

I feel so hungry all the time. Even when i eat, i feel hungry right after! It’s difficult not to just give in and eat more, but knowing that feeling hungry is part of the process and my metabolism must be up from the activity. This week, some of the highlights of my plate were home-made mixed-bean soup in a vegetable base… mmm, it was good. I also made quinoa and black bean salad in a curry-vinegar sort-of base.  I’m not going to pretend to know anything about cooking… I’m a terrible cook.  This is just me trying to eat a healthier range of foods on my time off.  I find that I’m eating more vegetarian foods… partly because meat is expensive, partly because I can’t seem to cook meat so that i want to eat it, and partly because there is so much variety and flavor in vegetarian dishes that i want to explore.

SO I’m back on the bike. I rode with a friend and her friends the other night. i wanted to DIE. they were so fast… they just dragged me up those hills.. up up up… i thought it would never end…. and then down…. ahhh, yes. It was a challenge and a reality check more than anything to tell me how unconditioned I am. It’s tough though. If my goals are to be balanced and just have fun doing a variety of activities– well then of course i won’t be as fast as a seasoned rider like my friend. I wanted to vomit when i got home. But i had fun. A new experience like that is always (well, usually) exhilarating.  I told myself this morning, as i was listening to my tunes on my ride, that i really really love this- and why don’t i do more of it?  I think if i ride more, i can keep my metabolism up and lose the pounds easier.  A 2-3 hour ride does a lot more than a 30 min run.  Hmmm… how long can i keep it up? Hopefully through the summer while the weather is nice.  Time is an issue too.  But I guess it comes down to priorities.  Doing 2-3 hours 3 times a week of something i find blissful is worth it i think.  I can do other activities on the days in between.  Yes, i think that sounds good.  Sigh, i am sleepy and i deserve a good sleep tonight! I’ve worked hard!

Well, guess what?  I’m still 157 pounds.  I’m OK with it though.  Condsidering how much chocolate I have eaten in the past week, I don’t know i haven’t gained weight.  The last two mornings i have gotten up early and taken my walking to the park on the other side of town, which has a bunch of different trails that go up and down among a couple small mountain peaks (itty bitty peaks).  It is nice.  It takes time, that is, getting there and coming home… but i feel so good and peaceful after.  There is hardly anybody on the trails, just a few dog-walkers.  I tend to get lost easily and i have done so both mornings, but i think i am learning my way around.  I take my ipod and remember to stand tall and breathe deeply.  A guy at work lent me some music that is new to me, which makes the experience that much better.   I love being introduced to new music, i feel like i’m entering a new era in my life.  For so long i felt like a chapter was closing (which is kind of a glass-half-empty view of my life), but now i feel like this is a new chapter emerging.  Just walking along within the trees, breathing through my nose to make sure i can take in the fresh smell.  It has been raining here on and off the last couple days and i am kind of enjoying it.  The rain is just washing everything away, making everything fresh again.

I have been trying hard to stop my ridiculous amount of sleeping.  I know that what i really love is getting up early while everyone is still asleep and having the trails and streets to myself to collect my thoughts and collect myself, and just …. live.  Soon the weather will be too hot to exercise during the day anyway, so i will have no other option.  Walking, running, hiking, cycling, i love it all.  I need to remember that.  This is what i love, this is who I AM.  A friend of mine recently suggested that perhaps i do physical activity to escape my real life.  I laughed at first, and then got defensive and wondered if she was right.  Why do i feel antsy when i haven’t been active?  Why do i have trouble living my life and feeling ok when i haven’t been active?  It took me a while to realize it, but… not only is it what I have always done and what i know… but, physical activity is just like how it sounds– it is physical– it is the easiest way back to our bodies- for centering, for grounding, for knowing our needs.  So in fact, it is actually the opposite of what my friend suggests– it is not an escape, but a sort of homecoming or checking in.  Ahh, sigh, peaceful.  Be, here, now.  Peaceful, in my body, at this moment.  Not far away with my mind and my thoughts… but here, now.  I also seem to work things out better when i am moving– perhaps a kinesthetic learner?  You know how people have different learning styles… i may be just the moving type.  It doesn’t really matter.  I am just glad that I have overcome yet another bump and learned something about myself… and maybe it’s time to get new friends!

So an early hike it was.  I cooked yesterday and the day before (which is huge for me!).  I usually just grab food on the run.  Cooking and cleanup takes so long.  I enjoy cooking, but then get frustrated when i don’t make it to my yoga class because the quinoa didn’t cook fast enough!  Gosh! So much work!  How do people do this every day?!  People actually live like this?  haha…. yes, i know, how do I live like this?!  I am finally enjoying my time off, i just wish it would last longer!  Finally feeling comfortable spending my ME time and not feeling like i’m wasting my afternoon (or my LIFE) cooking soup.