I was watching an episode of What Not to Wear this evening, as i am not privileged enough to have TLC at my place and have to take advantage of it now that i’m ‘home’ for the holidays.  Anywho, it was a What Not to Wear Marathon, and the episode i watched was a young women (my age) who did not believe she was beautiful and she totally is!  My heart goes out to her.  At the same time i was wondering, hmmm, if i were on that show i would be crying just as much as her over the same issues.  How did we get like this?  One thing that really got me was when she said she felt “confident” in her t-shirt and jeans.  I was like, ya, that’s soo me.  I totally feel confident and myself in my comfy clothes which are usually a t-shirt and jeans or yoga pants.  And Stacey said, no you don’t feel “confident”, you feel “safe”…. and i went, omg, that woman nailed it, she totally, entirely, articulated that feeling.  So i ask, when do we think we feel “confident” when really we aren’t and we’re just feeling “safe”.  My mother says i hide and i hate that she says that because i want to assert myself and say, “wait a minute, i am happy, and beautiful, and you don’t know me at all , and how dare you make that claim about me”… but the truth is, feeling confident in my clothes i know so well is feeling ’safe’ and hiding behind what i know…she’s right, which makes me sad.  And then i wonder, do people see through me?  Can they glance and go, “O that woman has no self-esteem, I can tell by what she wears, her posture, the way she smiles politely, the way she carries herself”.  Why should i care what other people think?  Because, human’s are social creatures, we need others, and part of the process is judging.  What about wearing nice clothes and feeling like a fake, like it’s not me, like i can’t pull it off, like i’m trying to look like a confident woman, but just look like a fat girl trying to wear nice clothes but can’t pull it off.  Judging judging judging, comparing comparing, what are they thinking?  Ack, listen to myself! So much negative self talk.  Turn it off, just turn it off.

I told myself that when i go ‘home’ i wouldn’t eat a ton, that i would stay away from the sugar, and that i would be so busy that i could just breeze through the hunger.  It’s day 2 and the opposite is true.  I can stop, i can stop, i can stop.  I need to breath deeply and think clearly and whisk away negative, overwhelming thoughts.  What i really want to do is go for a long walk and get lost.  But, it feels so dreary and rainy outside, i just don’t want to go there.

I want everything, i want to be beautiful, i want to be small, i want the world, and i want it all now!  Whenever i meet a new guy who i am actually interested in, i tell myself that i’m not good enough, that he couldn’t possibly like me because of how i look.  I’m feeling that way now, and it doesn’t feel good.  If i were just 25 pounds lighter with a nose job i would be good enough.  Safe, loved, valuable- the ultimate needs of human beings.  I need to remember that life is a process and everything comes in good time.  The process started a long time a go, and it keeps going whether i’m on track or not.  So make a good choice today.  Now that it is the evening and i have eaten pizza and ice cream, and more pizza and ice cream, i am making a decision to put on my shoes and go for a walk, regardless of the rain.   Tomorrow i will put on my shoes again, and when i’m overwhelmed and looking for something to soothe, i will think, choices and life in process.  I think i do best and am healthiest when i’m having fun and not thinking about the negatives and everything i’m doing wrong.  Tomorrow is another day.  Rise above the negative, see the beauty around me and try to see it in me too.  Goodnight!