Wow, so i’m going a little off track, but still doing ok.  Yesterday when i woke up, i felt lighter overall and decided to weigh myself, of course.  the scale said 164!  That day I ate a later than usual breakfast, and then got a scone and tea misto at 1pm before work.  I got home after work and straight away went for the jog i had promised myself.   I was planning on meeting friends for dinner, so i didn’t eat even though i was famished.  by the time i got to the pub, i wasn’t hungry anymore and decided to order myself a diet coke.  after that i had 3 drinks total on an empty stomach and got so completely drunk that… well…. it made for an interesting night and unproductive sunday morning.   But it was a lot of fun.  Part of dieting is cutting out the alcohol, so this was the first time in a long time that i drank my calories, but it was fun, and i think it was ok as long as i don’t do it a lot.

Today i’m hungover.  I went for an unplanned early morning breakfast with the friends i went out with last night, and then had lunch with a friend later in the day which was already planned and couldn’t break… so i feel like i’m making up the calories now– while spending a lot of money eating out!  I’m tired and need to sleep.  Tonight I’m promising myself a late night jog along the ocean….. ah… beautiful.

I made my fitness goals this week… mostly… as long as i go for a jog tonight!  Another week ahead, time to make more goals.

165.5 Showed on the scale today. I am happy with that since my weight has been fluctuating all week. I’m trying not to weigh myself 4 times a day, but somehow I do it anyway. This week’s goals: get down to 164, and don’t weigh myself until next Friday. It’s going to be tough. Especially since i already feel like i’m slipping. I don’t feel like my calorie deficit is enough. I need to keep going. It’s so stressful at this time in the semester for me. I really want to go shopping and buy some bad food and sit down and write my papers and complete my projects with pizza and ice cream… the way it was in the past…. which is how i got to this point. I need to remember and tell myself that: a) that behavior is not healthy, and b) that’s how i got fat. I also need to keep some balance by sitting down to get my work done, and then going out to get some exercise. I suddenly have so many social plans this weekend on top of working. Ugh, how will i get it all done! I need some strength. I’m climbing tonight…. so looking forward to it. In the meantime I need to get down to work, without food!

Ahh, sigh…. today was so long.  Now it’s downhill for the rest of the week.  Today was pretty good, apart from the munching on this peanut, sesame cracker/chip thing and rice cracker mix that is totally addictive.  I had a test to write today and was feeling overwhelmed in the morning, so i started munching on this mix.  And then after hockey I munched on some more.  In fact… I haven’t actually sat down and had a real meal today.  I just got a tea misto on the fly to classes…. Oh, and one of my profs brought cookies.  It was right in the afternoon when i really wanted to eat a cookie too.  I need to learn to say no.  After class and the second cookie incident of the week, I came home and went for a run.  I just felt I needed the stress release.  Hockey didn’t leave me too tired.  I just ate a banana, a pear, and a few pieces of cheese for dinner.  Hopefully that will be enough to replenish my muscles for tomorrow.  I feel good, and worked, and i like that i have a plan.  But i don’t feel like i’m losing weight.  I don’t even feel like i’m sticking to the plan cleanly.  But even then, eating ‘clean’ is just some overly controlled way of eating anyway.  I don’t know.  I just don’t feel like I’m doing enough, and doing well enough to lose the weight.  Friday will be the one week mark and my official first weigh-in.  I don’t think anything is going move on that scale.  Partly because i’m still weighing myself 4 times a day.  And partly because i have my period right now and i don’t know what that’s doing to my weight.  I need to hang in there.

Diet

•  7:30am 1.5 cups cornflakes and soy milk
• 8:15am 1 cup peanut and rice cracker mix
• 11am 1 cup peanut and rice cracker mix, juice box
• 2:30pm tea misto, non-fat milk, sugar-free syrup, and a dried fruit and veggie bar
• 4:30pm a cookie… mmm.
• 7:15pm banana (a giant one), pear, 3 pieces of mozza cheese

Exercise

• hockey
• 25 min jog

So today was day 5.  I woke up in pain and without much range of motion in my neck.  Leah brought me some mystery anti-inflammatory pills when we met up for our walk, which happened to work well… but had to be taken with food, which kind of sucks because i didn’t need the extra calories that early.  The walk loosened up my neck and made me feel a lot better.  It was another great morning walk.   Today was a grazing day regarding food.  I ate things that I just didn’t need to.  Not a very clean day for food, but not too bad.  I just grazed on random things like soda-crackers, frozen corn, and soy nog.  AND I had sugar again today.  While I was working my partner had a big bag of gummy bears, which of course he shared with me, and which of course I ate.  I counted 18 gummy bears.  It wasn’t a good choice, but i think i could have done worse.  I went for a 40 min jog this evening.  I felt pretty energetic about it.  Tomorrow is another day of stress and classes.  I need to pack a lunch, and get through it without sugar.  Wow, i’m tired now, good night!

Monday: 1 hr walk, 30 min jog, Actual: 45min walk, 20 min jog

Tuesday: 1 hr walk, 30 min jog (include sprints), strength exercises, Actual: 1 hr walk, 40 min jog, no sprints

Wednesday: hockey, Actual: hockey, 25 min jog

Thursday: 1 hr walk, climbing, Actual: 1 hr, 20 min walk,

Friday: 1 hr walk, bike ride? *weather depending, or yoga class, Actual: 50 min walk, climbing 2 hrs (didn’t count routes).

Saturday: long run in the morning, Actual: 45 min jog in the evening.

Sunday: long run in the morning, strength exercises, Actual: hungover and recovering, no exercise.

Day 4. I think i’m already starting to lose momentum. Back to classes today, and it was busy and stressful, and of course…. I turned to sugar. I ate a cookie. Not just any cookie, but one of those big coffee shop kind of cookies that cost a $1.50. The day started well, I went for an early morning walk, 45 minutes. It was in between classes and before my exam when I broke down. I promised myself a diet pepsi, just a little jolt of caffeine to get me through the afternoon, but then I noticed my friend getting a chocolate bar, so I got the cookie. And as I sat there, staring at it, uneaten, I thought to myself, do I really want to do this? And the answer was, well, I’ve already gone through all of the trouble to get it, i may as well eat it now. Maybe i will just have a bite and throw away the rest. That didn’t happen. I ate the whole thing.

The cookie incident motivated me to go home this evening and go for a run— a short run I might add. It was 20 minutes, I could have gone longer… but I had plans with a friend and had to get home. A lousy excuse, I know. Tomorrow will be a longer run. I didn’t feel hungry after the run (probably because of the damn cookie!), so I had some chicken broth for dinner.

A look at the diet:

• 8am: 2 cups cornflakes, soy milk
• 11:30am (lunch): carrot and celery sticks, leftover steak, mozza cheese, an apple w/ 1 tbsp light peanut butter
• 1:30pm (more lunch): a smoked chicken sandwich with lettuce and brown bread, and something else to make it moist– I don’t know, it was a impulse-bought sandwich (starting to break down from stress)
• 4:30pm: the cookie incident w/ diet pepsi (stress break-down)
• 7:30pm: chicken broth
• 8:00pm: tea misto, decaft, non-fat milk, sugar-free syrup

Exercise:

• walk, 45 mins
• jog, 20 mins

Today was busy and full of stuff to do, and I somehow managed to stay away from sugar, 3rd day in a row!  I think my mindset is changing toward food.  I used to think that i needed MORE, that my body needed MORE nutrition, but then when you think of what you are eating, it’s hard to justify a MARS bar as nutrition, so it’s easier not to eat it.  Now I think of what I need minimally, and vitamins can pick up the rest.  I breezed through the hunger today, but mostly because i was just really busy and engaged in what I was working on.  Sometimes I try to step out of myself and try not think of hunger as suffering, but but just as some natural biological process that happens and that I won’t die if my stomach growls. I just hope i can keep this mindset up!

I went climbing again this morning, but was still sore from friday so i only did 6 routes.  I didn’t get up and run like i wanted to because i talked myself into thinking that i didn’t want to be tired for climbing, so i haven’t done any cardio/aerobic exercise today.  Perhaps i will fit in a run later tonight, but i somehow don’t think it’s going to happen.  I got home late, and just finished dinner, and i’m too full to do anything.  Plus i have an exam tomorrow, which i need to study for.  See…. making priorities!  Taking a half an hour out to go for a run is feesable!  But no, I’m just too tired… there’s another excuse! Sheesh.

Food today:

• 7:30am 2 cups cornflakes and soy milk
• herbal tea
• 10:45am spinach salad with raspberry vinaigrette and almonds, dried cranberries, mushrooms, leftover chicken (again), and mozza cheese. water.
• 3pm tea misto with non-fat milk and sugar-free syrup
• lots of water in between.  I find it really helps!
•  7pm marinated steak, 1 cup corn and 1/2 cup broccoli w/2 tsp becel.  I wanted something sweet, so i had a banana w/ 1 tsp of light peanut butter.

Exercise: climbing, 6 routes.

Here are my first weight goals.  I know that slow and steady wins the race when it comes to weight loss… but it want it NOW!  Here is my weight-loss forecast.  I’m going for about 5 pounds a month to be reasonable.

• Dec 1: 160 lbs
• Jan 1: 155 lbs (I don’t know how I’m going to lose weight through the holidays)
• Feb 1: 150 lbs
• Mar 1: 145 lbs
• Apr 1: 140 lbs

When I hit 158, I think that will be my first real achievement.  I know I can get to 159/160, I’ve been there many times.  But I haven’t been under that since high school.  He we go!

This morning i slowly crawled out of bed, and stalled as much as possible until i forced myself outside to go for a jog. I hate it when i have to FORCE myself, it’s like i have to convince myself and just resist even more, and then i wait and wait, until it’s 10am, and everyone and their dog is outside and driving around and can see that fat chick in her tight clothes trying to run, and it’s not pretty– every part of me is jiggling in all directions. So that’s how it started, the day of not enjoying myself. I usually tell myself that the dead minimum for going for a jog is 30 minutes even if it’s at walking pace. but today, I let myself off the hook at 20 minutes. My legs felt like lead, I just couldn’t get into it. I hate that. I even took my ipod with me, but it seemed like there was nothing i wanted to listen to. i think i need some new music.

I vowed that I would only weigh myself once a week. Today I have already weighed myself 3 times. why, why, WHY? I finally went grocery shopping yesterday and bought some quality, fresh food. I think i may have bought too much, because now i just want to eat it all so fast ‘before it goes bad’. Ok, let’s face it: i throw out sooo much food from going bad because it’s the quality food that i’m supposed to eat, but i don’t want to eat it, so i don’t eat it. So i’ve ended up having these weird meals today:

• 10:30am mozza cheese, shrimp, and a banana
• 12:30pm 2 cups cornflakes and soy milk
• 4:30pm tea misto, non-fat milk, sugar free syrup
• 6:30pm spinach salad with almonds, dried cranberries, leftover chicken, mushrooms, raspberry vinaigrette, with steamed broccoli and sole which i fried with cornflakes.
• Then i felt like needed something SWEET so i had an apple, but i was already so full that I couldn’t finish the apple. Probably a sign that i shouldn’t have eaten it in the first place.

Now i feel heavy and tired. It’s 7pm, i have a housewarming party to go to tonight which i’m sure is full of really bad food which i will end up eating. Goal: Pick up a diet pepsi on the way and don’t eat anything else tonight!

This is the second day without sugar, yessss! Now i can’t go screwing it up tonight.

PS- I’ve enjoyed reading other people’s blogs, thanks for the inspiration! Drop me a note if you’d like.

This evening I went to the indoor climbing wall for the first time in years. I was terrible at it, but it was so much fun. My friend I went with was really supportive and we’ve made a plan to go back two more times in the next week. My body feels tired, I think I will sleep well tonight. I’m aiming for an early morning run tomorrow. G’night!

Today:

• walk: 1 hr, 25 mins
• climb: 8 routes
• A good day for diet too!