What have I become?

February 23rd, 2012

I have no life anymore.

Ok, that’s not entirely true. It just kind of feels like that. Especially today. I’m sure it’s TMI, but it’s that time of month and today was just absolutely¬† miserable for me. The past few days the scale has been slowly inching up (even by fractions to where I’m at 4.2 pounds lost since I started the Simple Diet instead of 5), I was bloated, sick-feeling and just overall depressed and hating myself and my body. I miss having something to come home to even if it’s something as unimportant as my writing. Kind of sad, but I used to live for text roleplaying which is basically writing stories with others online. I seriously used to spend hours each night writing and now… Now I’m lucky if I spend one hour a week. A) I can’t get into it and B) the one person I can get into it with/for is busy herself.

I feel like I’m running myself into the ground with this whole weight loss business. I’m not sleepy per se, just bored and in essence tired. My life is now revolving around my efforts to lose weight be it watching what I eat or figuring out when I’m going to exercise and what I’m going to do. This week I’ve gone to the gym twice and I feel like crap because of it. Never mind that I just joined (and started going) a week ago yesterday. Last week I went Wednesday through Friday, but I say that’s because we (my mom and I) actually joined Tuesday night. This week…I have no excuse. Well, Tuesday I didn’t. Actually, I don’t have an excuse today either. I felt like crap all day today, but then started to feel better as it got closer to the time I got off work. Did I go to the gym though? No! I did however bust my butt at day three of the 30 Day Shred. Still, I don’t feel like I did enough. I feel like I should be working out for at least an hour a day, five times a week. I know I still have Friday-Sunday technically, but I doubt I’ll go every day. Definitely tomorrow and maybe Saturday (because I’ve decided I’m splurging and going out - more on that later), but I don’t know about Sunday. Another thing I’m worrying about tomorrow is what I’ll do at the gym. I’ve primarily been doing water aerobics. Tomorrow there’s Aqua Zumba, but I wasn’t impressed with last week’s. Not only that, I’m not a fan of tampons (sorry if that’s TMI). There is a regular Zumba class, but it’s later in the evening and I’m afraid I’m going to lose motivation if I put off going for an hour or so. I guess I could see how I’m feeling tomorrow. There is the elliptical though. I’ve only used it twice, once for five minutes and then the second time for fifteen which I was pleasantly surprised to get through. If I do it, I’m going to want to do at least thirty minutes. You gotta get your heart rate up and going for 20-30 and I like to aim high. Anyway, I’m afraid I won’t be able to do the full thirty on the elliptical, but I guess we’ll see. One thing that helped me on the treadmill was a¬† distraction like watching TV on DVD. Watching footage from Whitney Houston’s funeral on E! was what helped me through the fifteen minutes on the elliptical the other day. Music is OK, but I’m not sure it would do the trick. Guess it doesn’t hurt to try. We’ll see tomorrow.

So Saturday, I’ve decided that I’m going to “splurge.” I’m itching for a good steak and I’ve done really well for the past week and a half since coming back from my mini vacation. I’m not going to go hog wild though. For one, it’s not going to ruin the day, it’s just going to be the one meal. For another, the only things I’m really splurging on are the salad dressing (which is super thick and rich and just amazing!) and then these garlic buttery crunchy pieces of bread. I could try to limit myself, but in for a penny, in for a pound or whatever the saying is? Though like I said, I’m not going to screw up the whole day. I’m also going to get a veggie for the side with my steak (a small six ounce) and no potatoes, so there is that. It’s sad that I’m looking forward to this meal more than anything else right now. :( This is how lame my life is. Apparently this weight loss business really is business!

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