Down, down, down into the abyss
I am slip sliding away back into depression. I can feel it but can’t manage to grab onto anything to halt the slide yet. Almost like I was pushing everything out of my mind until Steamboat was over. It felt good for about 10 minutes when I finished. The inner critic keeps saying “you didn’t run the race - you could have pushed much harder - you are a fake” and blah, blah, blah.
My weight is creeping up - 193 today. I am really struggling at cardio. Not so much training - I kinda like the punishment of pushing myself with the resistance. I could push harder, of course. My left calf is still not right and my right shin and knee are acting up as well. I am thinking I will tone it down to a fat burn heartrate for cardio tomorrow and see how that works. Fat burn is 113, cardio is 139. The weeks before Steamboat, I was doing 140-145 for most of my 42 min session. Maybe shoot for 120 for a week or two, see if my legs/heart/ankles/etc just need a little break.
DD turns 2 tomorrow (Thursday). My Dad is in town as of Saturday and I’ve already been disappointed that he doesn’t want to spend more time with me and the kids. They are his only grandchildren. I am “just” his only daughter. He will admit how much he is slowing down and his wife, the cardiac RN says his congestive heart failure is as bad as it’s ever been. He will be 78 in August. I thought since DS is almost 6 now and can actually engage and play cards, etc, that Dad would finally get interested in actually spending time with him. NOT. This is the man who brags he didn’t hold us kids til we were over 3 months old and he’s never changed a diaper in his life. He was just raised a different way. I don’t know why I persist in wanting to get blood from a turnip. Nearly 47 years of trying to get something from him that he’s apparently not able or willing to give.
Looks like I need to go back to work which I resent a great deal. I don’t even think I can get away with part-time. I don’t know why I am the only one who can financially support this family. I really wanted to be home a couple more years. I hate the thought of putting DD in daycare. It will be a tough transition for her, I am afraid. I need to discuss our next steps with DH, but as always, he keeps putting me off.
I just seem to REFUSE to do what I need to do about my food intake, my diabetes and my weight. Even logging my food I am incredibly resistant to and I don’t know why I keep failing at it. If I could only stick to the nutritionist’s eating plan like I did 2 years ago - with the exercise, I would probably be at goal (40 lbs) in 3 months. I know it’s all mental/emotional but it’s just exhausting to keep dealing with over and over again with no resolution. Am I just lazy?
loosingme said,
June 18, 2009 @ 7:24 am
if you are lazy, then I guess i am lazy too….I track food for awhile, and then like a spoiled child, just don’t WANT to do it, so I don’t. I try to keep things healthy most of the time, but all of that is WORK…and I just don’t want to put the effort in 100% of the time for some reason.
I am sorry to read you need to go back to work full time! I think I would be resentful too….maybe in a way, since this has been looming for some time now, it is what is blocking your continued success. I don’t know. And I am sorry to read you are feeling down and depressed.
Nothing you can do about the dad thing, you are right. No blood out of a turnip. Some ppl just live their whole lives missing out on so much. My “real” father has never even seen my ds11…..fortunately, my step dad treats my kids like their flesh and blood grandkids, and would do anything for them. I know they are LUCKY to have him in their lives…..but if he weren’t there, they would really have no one, because their other grandfather is 86, and raised differently, as you say.
HUGS, girlfriend, we keep going, because we really have no choice!!!
And a happy, happy bday to Kate!!!!!!!!
lindat said,
June 18, 2009 @ 9:18 am
Kim Kim Kim.. where have you been? Since I got back from my vacation and got caught up with work hell, I hadn’t seen a post from you. I was waiting for you to post to say how freaking proud of you I am for that 10K!! Sweetie, just a few months ago, could you have ever pictured yourself doing that? I told my trainer about what you did and he thinks it’s fabulous. I talk about you often to him and we both are really impressed. So no, you aren’t lazy.. if you are lazy, then I am right along with you! Things don’t move as fast for you me and Renee , well because we are old bats and out bodies don’t want to let go of the nice comfy fat.
My trainer says one word to me often - “Patience” because I get annoyed just like you do.. stalled, up and down not moving much at all.. but remember this is about MORE than just weight loss. First and foremost it is about your health.. never ever forget that!! I forget from time to time too and get frustrated.. but what the heck, I am NOT giving up!
Sorry about the work situation and the situation with your Dad. Making peace with the kind of parent you were given is a tough thing, but so necessary for our peace of mind. Youa re right though.. at 78 he isn’t going to change. Family to me isn’t blood.. it is the people you choose to surround yourself with.
Kelly said,
June 18, 2009 @ 8:39 pm
Not lazy at all … but here’s a different take. Sometimes professionals will say it isn’t really about the weight at all, it’s about the other struggles in our lives and we create the drama with our weight to focus on that instead. I know this is true for me … I lost the weight, but I tried so many times and was onyly successful during the ONE period of my life when everything else was going great. Anytime I had any other stress, it didn’t work. And I have so many skeletons in the closet that I need to work through, I know that impacts or success also.
Big hugs Kim! I went through a little bout of unhappiness not that long ago, and it is always in the background I guess. I plan to talk to somebody about it soon, I’ve finally taken some steps to do that.
Just keep on at it, things will come around again. I am sorry to hear about going back to work … OTOH, I know this is annoying, but I do believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe something really great will come out of it!
HUGS!
moonfairy said,
June 19, 2009 @ 8:59 am
((hugs)). sorry you’re feeling down. don’t beat yourself up about it though. we ALL go through it. i feel like i’m going through it right now too. just not gung ho about logging everything in all the time. i get tired and frustrating at calculating, recording, thinking all the time…should i, shouldn’t i? agreed with the above comment, when things are going well for me, i seem to excel a bit more. when things are sliding…um…not so much.
maybe your dad and my MIL can get together. she was here for 3 months and only saw the kids maybe 4 times total and once was during a huge family fight. didn’t call for DD’s bday and didn’t call to say bye when she left. my kids are better off without her!
laura705 said,
June 19, 2009 @ 1:32 pm
I’m so sorry you’re feeling so down about things, just don’t be so down on yourself! I think you’ve made fantastic progress with your weight and fitness. You’re not lazy! Sorry you’re facing a return to work - that’ll be hard on everyone. I can certainly relate to wishing for a different family dynamic!
Happy 2nd birthday to DD!
majestichollyhock said,
June 20, 2009 @ 4:50 pm
Aw sweety, sorry i missed this earlier. Been spending lots of time in my head and heart as well. We seem to cycle together with this. I am proud of you and love you tons!!! You inspire me.