Seeking Support

I’m glad my blog is still here, I thought for sure it’d be history by now.

I’m too active on Facebook, so I “see” some of you over there, but it’s just not the same.  The only thing constant in life is change.

I’m probably in the best shape of my life, as far as cardio and strength training; but still hovering around 200 lbs.  Yes, I gained back 10 of what I lost!  Arggh.  It’s all so totally mental for me.  As soon as I get all excited about seeing the 180s and start making plans for the 170s, I lose my mind or my goal or my focus and whammo - put weight back on.

Life is ok, the kids are getting big.  I’ve enjoyed being home with them this past 15 months, but I am job hunting as someone has to pay the mortgage around here, and evidently I’m the only one who can.  :(  I have a 2nd interview tomorrow as a matter of fact.

Marriage still basically sucks, and we’re both doing our best to ignore it.  Church is good, I think I’ll take the kids there for T-day dinner as spending 6 hours making a big meal at home is just depressing when the meal is just the 4 of us and it’s over in 15 minutes, and DH runs off back downstairs as soon as he’s swallowed the last bite.  Workouts have been slightly lame the past 6 weeks, but I’m still getting a couple in a week.  If I get this job, I have spotted an “Anytime Fitness” near the new job that would be most convenient and my trainer has said he will come up there to train me.

On a positive note, my HbA1C blood test came down from 5.8 to 5.5 AFTER I dropped the dosage of my diabetes med, so that is awesome.  Just proves it’s all about muscle when it comes to insulin resistance.  My COBRA coverage ends in Feb so if I don’t get this job, I will have to go on some state plan for diabetics since normal insurance will not cover you if you take a medication for it.  I’d like to get off the meds completely, that’s the goal anyway.

I’m over a month without posting.  I guess we’re not going to get our old journal entries.  Bah!  Legs are killing me this am due to trainer going nutso yesterday.  135 lbs on the hip adduction and abduction machines.  Got a playdate showing up in an hour - gotta run!

Working out still.  Still eating badly.  Still promising myself to do better “tomorrow”!  Hubby even asked last night what all the secretive binge eating’s about.  Weight at 195.  Be back soon, I know this is a piece of the puzzle.

Just a quick post to stay in touch.  Thanks for all the support on my last post.

Today was Lil Kickers soccer for the kids.  It’s not like a soccer league more like games for dd and beginning sport skills for ds.  They are holding it outside this summer, just 5 mins from my house, so that is awesome.  We played on the playground afterwards, came home to lunch, and now dd is napping and ds is watching tv while I deal with some desk stuff.  Mainly a denied dental claim (grrrrr) and posting here.

Training yesterday was awesome.  He had me doing crunches on a machine with SIXTY-FIVE pounds on it! It’s the ab machine that makes me most uncomfortable, as I have to lift my belly up over the bar thing when I start, but it’s hidden back in the corner of the gym and hell, my trainer knows my rolls more than anyone but DH!  I also tried the Precor crossramp machine instead of treadmill or elliptical.  I don’t know if I mentioned that since the 10K both of those cardio machines cause me pain.  I also backed down my target heartrate to the 120s and the whole session went much better.

Had Dad and step-mom over for dinner and cake for dd’s b-day last night.  Gosh, I can hardly believe she is 2.  Dad agreed to go play mini-golf on Monday with us, so that’s a huge step.

DH says maybe I won’t have to go back to work, but still won’t sit down and go over details.  I have 2 more months of outplacement services that I have delayed as long as possible, so I think we need to make a decision and move now, so I can get the most out of them.  I do not want to wait until we’re having to put groceries on the credit card and then start scrambling looking for a job.  We’re ok for a few more months, so this is the ideal time to start looking, in my opinion.  And frankly, after 11 years of hearing about the next big project that’s going to bring in so much money and it NEVER has, I am doubtful that this time will be different.  As Dr. Phil says - the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior!

Food has been marginally better.  Meaning I got a regular size pkg of m&ms at the store yesterday instead of the king size or worse - the movie box size. My doc dropped my diabetes medicine from 2000 mg to 1500 mg and this is the dosage that the nutritionist MD and I upped 2 yrs ago to take advantage of it’s weight-loss side effects.  I hope this doesn’t have repercussions on me - but hey, as long as I’m eating bags of m&ms, I can’t really put the blame on the prescription!

Gotta go get some more stuff done. I’m trying to get caught up with everyone on here, but it is slow going.  But know I haven’t forgotten about you. Oh, that reminds me - can someone else post on the journal help thread and ask Suzanne what the status of our entries is?  She didn’t even respond to my last gentle nudge!  The longer it goes, the more likely the backups will go bad or the equipment they need to read them, or some other kinds of issues.

I am slip sliding away back into depression.  I can feel it but can’t manage to grab onto anything to halt the slide yet.  Almost like I was pushing everything out of my mind until Steamboat was over.  It felt good for about 10 minutes when I finished.  The inner critic keeps saying “you didn’t run the race - you could have pushed much harder - you are a fake” and blah, blah, blah.

My weight is creeping up - 193 today.  I am really struggling at cardio.  Not so much training - I kinda like the punishment of pushing myself with the resistance.  I could push harder, of course.  My left calf is still not right and my right shin and knee are acting up as well.  I am thinking I will tone it down to a fat burn heartrate for cardio tomorrow and see how that works.  Fat burn is 113, cardio is 139.  The weeks before Steamboat, I was doing 140-145 for most of my 42 min session.  Maybe shoot for 120 for a week or two, see if my legs/heart/ankles/etc just need a little break.

DD turns 2 tomorrow (Thursday).  My Dad is in town as of Saturday and I’ve already been disappointed that he doesn’t want to spend more time with me and the kids.  They are his only grandchildren.  I am “just” his only daughter.  He will admit how much he is slowing down and his wife, the cardiac RN says his congestive heart failure is as bad as it’s ever been.  He will be 78 in August.  I thought since DS is almost 6 now and can actually engage and play cards, etc, that Dad would finally get interested in actually spending time with him.  NOT.  This is the man who brags he didn’t hold us kids til we were over 3 months old and he’s never changed a diaper in his life.  He was just raised a different way.  I don’t know why I persist in wanting to get blood from a turnip.  Nearly 47 years of trying to get something from him that he’s apparently not able or willing to give.

Looks like I need to go back to work which I resent a great deal.  I don’t even think I can get away with part-time.  I don’t know why I am the only one who can financially support this family.  I really wanted to be home a couple more years.  I hate the thought of putting DD in daycare.  It will be a tough transition for her, I am afraid.  I need to discuss our next steps with DH, but as always, he keeps putting me off.

I just seem to REFUSE to do what I need to do about my food intake, my diabetes and my weight.  Even logging my food I am incredibly resistant to and I don’t know why I keep failing at it.  If I could only stick to the nutritionist’s eating plan like I did 2 years ago - with the exercise, I would probably be at goal (40 lbs) in 3 months.  I know it’s all mental/emotional but it’s just exhausting to keep dealing with over and over again with no resolution.  Am I just lazy?

Today, my feet hurt.  My legs are still moderately achey. And I’m wasting time in front of the computer instead of doing all the stuff I swore I would start doing after the 10K.  It’s SO HARD to change my ways!  I HATE IT!

I guess I will get some post-it notes out and start putting them around the house.  It’s helped before when I wanted to change something.

I will try to get caught up with you all this week too.  Take care!

I did it!  Very nice time, made a friend and mostly jogged/walked with her.  If my heart rate got below 130, we would jog a bit.  Bad blister on my right foot, 2nd toe.  Odd spot, but no biggie.  No shin splints after the 1st mostly uphill mile.

Steamboat Springs is just gorgeous. I gather it’s even more lush than usual with all the rain this year. The route went through some very green areas with horses and goats, etc. The elementary and middle schools were incredible - obviously a wealthy town.  In town was very well-kept and nearly every yard has beautiful gardens.

I did feel good crossing the finish, though I was too fast, and my kids missed that part.  When I saw the clock and realized I could break 1:45, I jogged the last half-block or so. My knees don’t even hurt - we’ll see how they do tonight.  My HR monitor says I burned 888 cals, as if that even matters today!  LOL. Avg heart rate 137.  DH even told me he was proud of me, though you wouldn’t have known it at 6:30 this am when I was getting ready to leave the trailer. DD was stirring and he wanted me outta here so maybe she would go back to sleep.  LOL.

I’ll be damned if I didn’t start my period today, about 25 hours before the race.  I did bring immodium and vicodin, though I can’t imagine exercising much on the latter, it will get me through today.  DS is all excited about the hot springs - hope the super tampax are sufficient.

When I registered, I should have been mid-cycle now, and it kept getting closer and closer, but as of last cycle, I shouldn’t have started until Tues.  Just a little extra challenge.  <raspberry>  Well, DD just dirtied her diaper, so I must change her.  More later, or tomorrow.

Just a quickie to say we are off to Steamboat Springs in a few hours.  The race is Sunday.  Last year my age group ranged in times from 42 mins to 1:52.  So, my goal of finishing in 2 hours should be ok.  The last 10K runner was 1:54!  I’m just petrified.  I keep reminding myself that this is for fun, and nobody will probably laugh at me.

I plan to post Sunday while icing my shin splints.  I got a lower body massage yesterday and YOWZA, those knots in my left calf really hurt getting worked out.

I’m totally not finished packing, so gotta scramble.  Sorry I’ve been so lame staying in touch. I just still find this format so time consuming to try and read everyone’s posts and comments and add my own.

I’m here.  Still hanging around 190 - over a month now.  I guess 30 lbs is all I’m going to get off with exercise only.  I can’t seem to get a grip on the food.  I’ll do good for breaky and/or lunch, then about 3:00 it’s all downhill from there.  I’m trying to use the kids as motivation for this also, I’ve really noticed in the past 3-4 days that they are both turning into little sugar hounds, and it’s all my fault.

Stress is quite a factor in this, I know.  The money situation is not improving, as a matter of fact, it’s worse than it was, which I didn’t think was going to happen.  The marital difficulties just keep increasing.  That’s really no excuse.  The key is that I need to train myself to deal with stress differently - not run off for some candy or dive into some online game to distract myself.

DH’s been doing a lot of nights lately. That makes it extra hard to put together a decent dinner, cause honestly, what’s the point? DS will complain and pick and barely eat and DD will probably eat anyway, but she can’t exactly tell you it was good, bad or indifferent.  And I really resent being sole childcare for 12 hrs at a stretch.  It’s not like he was busy making money or anything.  He watches a LOT of movies and plays several games of his own, I know that much.

I’m trying to convince myself that a box of good n’ plenty from the store is NOT a treat, it’s really just poison, but I’m not getting too far yet.

Steamboat is in 2 weeks.  I guess I’m going to still go - it’s all paid for.  I will probably have to walk most of it - I can walk at 3.7 MPH no problem, but the second I start to jog, my heart rate goes up over 155 and I go back to walking.  It’s ok though, as long as I finish in under 2 hrs, it will still be an accomplishment.

Training is going fine.  If you’re on Facebook, you know I did 400 crunches on Saturday.  So far, I’m only a little sore today - we’ll see what tomorrow brings. I need to sit down with my trainer and come up with some new goals - I feel like we’re coasting lately.  I’m at 10 workouts for the month - not half, but better than April.  The only change is I’m do 42 minutes on the elliptical - I no longer count the 5-10 mins warmup on the bike towards my 42 and I don’t allow myself to break for more than 45 seconds or so to drink some water or stretch the damned left calf.  The machine loses your workout settings at 1 minute, so that’s a good way to see.  I should go downstairs now and do the yoga dvd, but I doubt I will.  It’s 9:30 pm, everyone is asleep but me, and I just want to veg out for a bit.

DS graduated from pre-school again Friday.  On the academic front, he’ll be way ahead in kindergarten, already reading a bit and starting to do addition/subtraction.  On the focus front, he still has a terrible time sitting still and paying attention for long - unless it’s a cartoon.  :-(  Socially, he’s gotten much more adept.  It is a joy to see him at church, interacting with the adults and really feeling at home.  At least I’m getting that much out of the church committment.  I’m REALLY looking forward to our new pastor starting, my spiritual being is not being fed by most of the current services.

DD finally put together a 2-word combo yesterday — “More, please” (asking for candy of course).  I was starting to get a little concerned.  I think it’s a combination of the pacifier use up til last month and the fact that Mama is so good at reading her little mind that is making her speech a little slower to come.  She is just adorable about clothes and accessories now - really wants barrettes in her hair and to wear certain outfits.  I thought she would explode with joy at the shoe store on Thursday.  LOL.  What a girly girl!

The zoo had their big Mem Day plant sale this weekend.  I got 11 good sized plants.  Ice plants and sedums and some showy milkweed to start my butterfly garden. Hoping to get them into the ground tomorrow.  And get to the gym.  Oh, yeah, I got my massage reward for staying under 200 for a month.  That was very nice and I signed up for their 6 month package, which we can’t totally afford, but it’s a small price to pay for sanity.  And it’s half the price of my old massuese, so that was my justification.  I’ve actually been under 200 for 3 months now, if you can believe that!

I keep saying it, but I don’t do it — I really need to get into the habit of writing in here in the morning then shutting the damn computer down for the day.  On the days that I do, I get an extraordinary amt of work done. And get some meditation in there too.  I did start logging my food again, and that is helping a lot until the cravings kick in in the afternoon.