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i like you so much that I have to learn to let you go

Well, i had a really heavy lunch which will defo be my dinner. the portions at the local chinese diner are huge! i had cravings for oily chinese food; cream cheese wantans, thai stir fry noodles, and fried tofu skin. i dont think ill be eating this cuisine for a long time after this. cravings satisfied! and no gym today. because my muscles are like so sore and id rather not push it. i weighed myself in the morning. it was an 83.i think. not bad for one week without rice eh?

Back to the main topic,

ive always wanted someone to see the real me. what i mean by that, is probably just hiding behind a screen name and saying things without being judged on how i look. i know this guy over the internet on/off for the past 5 years, (2005) i believe. since this summer, things slightly changed and we got closer. catch is, ive never met him. but he has seen my pictures. and ive seen A picture of him. i imagined him to be a bit more charming and cute but nevertheless i’m the one with issues here. the way he says it is that girls are simply attracted to him. and yes, me being the never been in love person, well u know what comes next.

i dont really think its love at this point. he flirts a lot and now i know its just his way of talking.dear, sweetie?

hmmm

the whole reason i tried finding online friends is that in real life, me and guys dont really get along. a simple conversation would be, oh are u going to class? u done with assignments? that’s it.

my typical dream guy would be someone into the arts/theatre, loves to travel, romantic, poetic, loves music and so on.

and he’s none of that. he doesn’t even know how to make me feel better when im feeling sad and blue.

but still. i stick by his side.

why?

i dont know.

until this:

Strike 1: was when he said “i’m not ready to be in a relationship, so i dont like u”

i gave him the cold shoulder and later everything was fine. then he drama with his girl classmate. i was there to listen thru it all.

strike 2: he asked me why i get so edgy when we talk about relationships. i said i have my issues. which he will never understand.

strike 3. he accused me of sumthin. he said i was going to whine about calls going into his voicemail because he doesnt pick up. when i didn’t

that just made me go ballistic.

because the first thing he said to me was

why dont u stop calling me?

ok. point taken.

is hate what you want from me? after caring so much about u?

and then i realized something, im so enthralled, trying to look for someone who can love me, without judging me on how i look, at this point in time, fat and ugly. it just seems like everyone else has their someone. everyone except me.

is there a guy for me out there? somewhere.

sorry about all the negativity, but

truth is, how can i love someone when i dont truly love who i am and how i look like?

this is one of the things that’s holding me back.

and with that, AHAH ( his initials)

i bid you good bye! thanks for nothing. i really appreciate it.