It’s Now or Never.

The scale is not my best friend

Posted esparinza on April 9th, 2011 | Filed under Uncategorized | Comment now »

Hey guys,

So,here is a quick update and ramble.

For the past 2 and a half months plus a week, I have lost almost but not quite 20 pounds! yeay me! By eating healthier and exercising. Then suddenly, the last few days, I weighed myself and the weight is flunctuating.170.8, then 171.2 and it plays around those numbers! I usually weigh myself early in the morning after everything has digested. Urgh, I hate seeing those numbers that wont budge!

It’s so frustrating.

I don’t know what to do.I think I’m hitting a plateau.

thing is, I only have like a month before graduation, and I really want to look good.

I can’t cross that 170 mark! The mark where I might be getting compliments, at least?I know, I know. That’s not what this is really about. It’s getting healthy!

I’m just really mad. right now. everything was going along fine!

anyway, today, I has a small caramel frappe, a boston kreme donut and some dove chocolate with 3 small portions of pasta, which is defo way moreeeeeeeee sugar than i need, NOT TO MENTION CALORIES! but im not gonna feel guilty about it. It’s been a while. I just need to get back on track and fight this plateau. but how?!

i’m sorry

Posted esparinza on March 9th, 2011 | Filed under Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

I know I should have updated this way back.

it just seems that

i’m kinda still lost and overwhelmed with everything

it’s still like i can never imagine myself being thin. but deep down inside, i want this so bad.

i’m watching the biggest loser. and im crying to myself.

if they can do it, why can’t i?

1. i dont have a personal trainer that can keep me on track.

2. my friends are super skinny and dont even need to go to the gym so i dont have a gym buddy with the same goals.

3. the numbers on the scale are not my best friend

4. i dont feel significantly different

yes, all the negativity.

the people that will definitely love me no matter what, my family are so far away, im lacking the support system. as for a personal trainer, they dont offer that at the gym at my school. But I did up my game a little bit my adding strength training.

I didn’t take my initial weight, but i definitely think that it was 190( based on the old fashioned scale in my roomate’s bathroom)

and right now, after about 2 months, i’m at 179. it’s sure taking a while.

my family is so far away so they wouldnt be able to say to me if im doing good or if i look great.

my friends see me everyday.

and no, i have yet to get a compliment.

maybe that amount of weight is too little to the long journey i have in front of me.

maybe i just look the same, inside and out.

fat.

i know, im just pouring out my negative feelings and all.

i’m just angry

at myself.

for not pushing myself hard enough.

or not having someone to push me hard enough

and telling me I can do it.

that alone, breaks my heart.

dear me, i’m sorry.

i like u so much, im gonna let u go.

Posted esparinza on October 29th, 2010 | Filed under Uncategorized | Comment now »

Well, i had a really heavy lunch which will defo be my dinner. the portions at the local chinese diner are huge! i had cravings for oily chinese food; cream cheese wantans, thai stir fry noodles, and fried tofu skin. i dont think ill be eating this cuisine for a long time after this. cravings satisfied! and no gym today. because my muscles are like so sore and id rather not push it. i weighed myself in the morning. it was an 83.i think. not bad for one week without rice eh?

Back to the main topic,

ive always wanted someone to see the real me. what i mean by that, is probably just hiding behind a screen name and saying things without being judged on how i look. i know this guy over the internet on/off for the past 5 years, (2005) i believe. since this summer, things slightly changed and we got closer. catch is, ive never met him. but he has seen my pictures. and ive seen A picture of him. i imagined him to be a bit more charming and cute but nevertheless i’m the one with issues here. the way he says it is that girls are simply attracted to him. and yes, me being the never been in love person, well u know what comes next.

i dont really think its love at this point. he flirts a lot and now i know its just his way of talking.dear, sweetie?

hmmm

the whole reason i tried finding online friends is that in real life, me and guys dont really get along. a simple conversation would be, oh are u going to class? u done with assignments? that’s it.

my typical dream guy would be someone into the arts/theatre, loves to travel, romantic, poetic, loves music and so on.

and he’s none of that. he doesn’t even know how to make me feel better when im feeling sad and blue.

but still. i stick by his side.

why?

i dont know.

until this:

Strike 1: was when he said “i’m not ready to be in a relationship, so i dont like u”

i gave him the cold shoulder and later everything was fine. then he drama with his girl classmate. i was there to listen thru it all.

strike 2: he asked me why i get so edgy when we talk about relationships. i said i have my issues. which he will never understand.

strike 3. he accused me of sumthin. he said i was going to whine about calls going into his voicemail because he doesnt pick up. when i didn’t

that just made me go ballistic.

because the first thing he said to me was

why dont u stop calling me?

ok. point taken.

is hate what you want from me? after caring so much about u?

and then i realized something, im so enthralled, trying to look for someone who can love me, without judging me on how i look, at this point in time, fat and ugly. it just seems like everyone else has their someone. everyone except me.

is there a guy for me out there? somewhere.

sorry about all the negativity, but

truth is, how can i love someone when i dont truly love who i am and how i look like?

this is one of the things that’s holding me back.

and with that, AHAH ( his initials)

i bid you good bye! thanks for nothing. i really appreciate it.

is it me or does the timer on the treadmill make time go by slower?

Posted esparinza on October 28th, 2010 | Filed under Uncategorized | Comment now »

ok.

day 4

no rice.

but im so not feeling like myself today. why? im like so angry inside. probably a carryover from yesterday?

oh well.

since my friends take turn to cook, i wasn’t feeling today’s menu so i had a heavy lunch to compensate for that.

I had an ice caramel latter with skim, roughly 200 calories i believe.

i was craving for a chocolate orange cupcake, must be another 200? minus like half the icing since it was wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy overdosed with sugar.

mango smoothie? with whipped cream. 500? who knows?

and a mixed sandwich.. this im not sure? probably 500, coz it has bread and veggies, kinda healthy i suppose.

and 2 sardine rolls for breakfast.

i did aerobics class like crazy today. for an hour. because i put my emotions in my moves.

and i did 20 mins of cardio (10 mins at 15 @ 3.8), and just an incline of 8 @3.3 to cool off. why not 30 mins?

coz my ipod died. and that kinda spoiled my mood.

my friends go to the same aerobics class. there was this one time where i would practically hide myself from being seen in the gym from people i knew. however, i  have come to a point where that isn’t such of an issue anymore.

oh, and my friend made smores at 11 pm like 2 days ago and i only had 1, even though it was like with dark chocolate. she asked

“are u on a diet?”

and i said

yes.

and she was like surprised by that answer and so i kinda covered it up by saying its 11 pm and that was the reason for only taking one.

oh well.

im not ready to tell the world that im trying to make myself thin. i want the results to speak for themselves.

as of now, i feel better after an emotional day.

i think.

I should get myself a punching bag!

Posted esparinza on October 27th, 2010 | Filed under Uncategorized | Comment now »

okay, so today, my roomate just happened to piss me off at like 10 pm. i just had an exam. im exhausted. i have to think about my 3 exams next week and i just snapped. maybe it was just my hormones kicking in. i dont know. bottom line is i said in the politest way, ” this conversation ends here” because she was just pushing it and walked out the room. i was mad.

yup. today’s word. B-L-A-M-E.

You can blame anyone just to make yourself feel better. and i blame myself for giving in to food at 11 pm when i shouldn’t be taking any late night snacks. and it wasnt even healthy. it was sardine rolls. but the not so cool thing about it, and i did felt a pinch, well a slap of guilt after eating it because the rolls were fried in oil and because i was such in a hurry, i didn’t wait for the oil to heat up nicely and so the bread soaked up the oil and i had to literally squeeze the oil out. i know. i couldn’t imagine eating that myself. i ate the less soaked up one and the other just ate the sardines in the other roll.

and for some people out there, sorry is not such a hard word to say~!!!!! quit being so egoistic.

urgh!!

i dint eat rice today but i had noodles for lunch? and that was kinda dinner when i think about it. plus the 1 sardine roll. hmmm. but i dint go to the gym today. had an exam.

at least tomorrow is thursday, which means my fav aerobics class ( an hour) and i will do half an hour of cardio tomorrow!! im promising myself this!

i should buy a punching bag, i know. then, i wouldnt run to food everytime i feel so angry.

or maybe its just my hormones. lols.

plan c. ill go thru the whole alphabet if i have to!

Posted esparinza on October 26th, 2010 | Filed under Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Day 1

- no rice

i had a bowl of ice cream though,that must be 500 calories right there.

but i only had a tuna sandwich for breakfast.

- zumba

Day 2

- no rice

- a gyro wrap for lunch, loaded with veggies.

- power remix, an aerobics class for an hour.

hmmm

i should really weigh myself.

the scale hasnt been my friend lately so we aren’t talking nowadays.

it’s so hard to get back to going to gym to do cardio. like so hard.

be right back.

oh oh.

186.8

maybe i shouldn’t have weighed myself after eating dinner. 0-0

aaaaaa. ill weigh myself tomorrow after mr stomach does his digestion part.

would eating less rice , but eating bread make me lose weight? or just leaving carbs out all together?

trying out a new lifestyle? *shrugs*

Posted esparinza on October 24th, 2010 | Filed under Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

when can i feel comfortable in wearing something other than black?

Posted esparinza on October 18th, 2010 | Filed under Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Don’t you just hate it when people who are like super skinny are so just obsessed with their weight. They’ll be like i’m so fat when they’re really not. I would be like saying to myself , you don’t even know the definition of fat, let alone the feeling of being fat. no idea. gaining 2-3 pounds does not make you fat and it certainly doesn’t help other overweight people feel better about themselves. i mean, C’mon!

I just realized that people who actually go to the gym are like skinny and go to maintain their figure. i still have a long way to go. I saw a picture of me today, it was far from flattering. I have to do something about the overhanging flabby parts ASAP.

I met my friends in the zumba class today and for once I didn’t feel ashamed of going to the gym. there used to be a point where I would try to go to the gym when the people I personally know are not present. Just because I feel like there’s a need to hide. And yes, one negative thought is they’re probably like she has a membership, how come she’s not getting thinner, i mean, healthier? because i gained it all back, that’s why. gained it all back in a jiffy.

I didn’t have any rice today but I should ease on the junk food though.

Also, NOTE TO SELF: PORTION SIZE!

I didn’t manage to do cardio today. I did do an hour of zumba. where afterwards I had half of my swiss mushroom burger. 1-1 = 0?

okay, i think tomorrow will be the official day 1.

current weight as of today 186 pounds.

i had chicken soup for dinner.

the second time around, i mean the second plan is harder to launch,for some reason. maybe the first feeling of failure is still lurking. i need that extra push. somehow.

i need a plan, take 2!

Posted esparinza on October 17th, 2010 | Filed under Uncategorized | 4 Comments »

Since i did return to michigan, i didn’t get any flattering remarks like, wow u look great. because i dont. why?coz i gained all the weight back, dint watch my diet and used food as a way out of my problems. i had exams week after week and so i ate. i had friend issues with a guy friend and i ate. i lost my grandfather and uncle unexpectedly and i ate.

so yeah. go figure, right?

i need a plan. i really do.

okay. the burger i bought just bought will be last one until like the next i dunno 2 months?

1. weigh myself.

current weight:

2. exercise plan

use the gym membership u paid 50 dollars for!

do 30 mins to an hour of cardio everyday? ( like what u did before u gained all the weight back =( )

go to aerobics classes/ zumba

3. eating habits.

no rice. trying to go on a no rice diet to decrease the carbs. ( my friend tried this and she looks amazing!)

apple cider vinegar. i used to make this routine but kinda got out of the routine.

herbalife shakes.

trying to eat raw salad and cherry tomatoes, and eat more fish.

goal:

1. not the be the 185 pound girl with flabby arms anymore.

2. to be happy with myself.

3. so i can wear colors other than black and finally embrace the true shopping experience.

4. finally find someone to love me after i can love myself.

5. look fantabulous for graduation so mom and dad will be proud of me.

okay, today is the 18th of October. it’s a new beginning. you can do this. i hope. -_-

it’s not because i have to. I want to. I need to. Make a change.

Posted esparinza on October 17th, 2010 | Filed under Uncategorized | Comment now »

Okay. I just came home from a trip to michigan and i think i ate wayyyyyyyyy too much over the end. i brought back a bucket of kfc and a burger coz it was ever so tempting. i know i shouldn’t have. -_-

from that trip, i realized how i wasn’t confident in myself.

1. i kept asking my friends to re-take my picture because i just dint like how i looked in them.

2. i just looked fat. period.

which reminds me why my wardrobe is full of BLACK. the only color that can be worn wothout feeling self-concious.

oh and

3. i was the only one single in the car.

i know i know. ive been going on about me being all not so confident in myself. which is true. i’m not denying it. something is holding me back.

im watching the biggest loser and all their problems seem alike. then i ask myself the question the trainers always ask the contestants

“how did i get here?”. i don’t know.

is this why i’m happy but not really really happy ? is this why i feel like i’ll never be loved because I don’t love myself?

i don’t know.

i’ve stranded from my goals over the past few months. but the truth is overwhelming. i look like those contestants, but they are making a change and I have to start again too! I know they have 6 hours per day to exercise, and I barely get one hour per week, but I can’t be eating fast food and rice all the time.

i’m tired of feeling like this. i really am. im tired of feeling like im never going to find love, or that feeling of having nothing to wear because whatever you wear won’t make a difference. you’ll still look fat in that size 16 pair of jeans. shopping will never ever be fun. that’s how i feel.

URGH. I HATE IT. this negativity talk is taking over my brain.

I don’t want to be this 185 pound girl with flabby arms and a muffin top i can’t even look at. I can’t keep on living like this and keep on dreaming of being thin!!! i wanna wear white someday.i want to have that smile because im truly happy. i want to experience love for the first time. being 22 and single, while seeing my friends with rings on their fingers just adds to the pressure i want to be happy! i want to be happy with myself. proud of myself. i want my mom and dad to be proud of me.

and realizing that dream that my grandfather did not manage to see.

i don’t want to die young because my of my unhealthy lifestyle. ( only did i realize this after watching the biggest loser, im on episode 2 now)

i have to do it.

for me.

i have to love myself.