Confessions of a Bulk Eater

I am not. I am back in my funk. I thought this past weekend might shake me out of it, but although I had fun, I think the fact I was on the edge of irritation with the girls all weekend really didn’t help. Not to mention the fact I saw a picture that was taken with my camera and it totally depressed me. I immediately deleted it. I am trying to figure out what steps to take. — Okay, that’s stupid.. I know what steps to take, but I am sort of feeling overwhelmed with the whole thing. I need to find a way to get more gym time and if that means I have to get my ass up at the BUTT CRACK of dawn every morning and be at the gym by 5 so I can work out for an hour before work, then I may just have to do it. Hubby will have to suck it up and take both kids to school, which isn’t a big deal since the elementary school is a mile from us and he has to drive right by the daycare to get to his work. Then I can go at night as well when I have a training session. Going only at nights right now sort of stresses me out because we get home later and we really don’t eat all that healthy on those nights, which is so STUPID since we are coming from the gym.

Anyway, I’m still here…. still thinking… still wanting to get back on track but just can’t seem to find a way to do so. Help me hang in there, ladies!

Anyone ever see Monty Python? All this freaking spam in the comments is getting a little ridiculous!! I thought changing the rules on my comments would help but somehow it’s still getting through. I mean, there is a time and a place to learn about hand jobs and animal sex, but I don’t feel like a diet blog is one of them. Just sayin’….

I am slipping further into the dark place. I can tell. I was venting to my friend on the phone tonight and I was starting to feel the urge to cry. I’m not a crier. Well, I take that back. I HATE that I cry at the stupidest things. It tends to happen when I am overwhelmed. It happens sometimes at work. Anyway, I started to have that feeling. It didn’t happen but I can feel myself slipping into the darkness. This is not good. When I get to that place I stop caring. I don’t want to stop caring about this weight loss… Even if I’m not necessarily doing anything drastic to lose the weight right now, i don’t want to stop caring. Caring is what keeps me at least going to the gym. Caring keeps that voice in my head that says “You shouldn’t eat that.”

I can’t even really explain why I am in this place. I guess just all this thinking and restrospective. But I’m not going to stop. It needs to come out or I will just keep sabatoging myself. I was thinking back to my memory yesterday of my mom just totally squashing my excitement over being able to buy a normal size (18 - normal in my mind) pair of pants and I think some of the tendancy to sabatoge comes from that. Perhaps I feel I don’t deserve to be thin. All my life I have been the “big girl”, the “fat friend”, the “athletic girl”. I’ve never been the “pretty girl”. Sometimes I don’t even think I deserve to be married to my husband. I wonder if he really does find me attractive. He says he does and he tells me I am beautiful but I never believe him. He gets mad when I can’t accept it. I just don’t see myself that way. I can’t accept any compliment someone gives me. Not even a simple “thank you.” I just don’t believe what they are saying. When you’ve been labled other things your whole life, it’s hard to accept when someone tells you the exact opposite. I remember trying out for the cheerleading team in…hmm, I guess it was 9th grade. I went to a small private school and we were just starting a cheerleading program. Before you tease me for my cheerleading wannabe-ness, I have to say… I am NOT a girly girl and I should have KNOWN that I wouldn’t be chosen. I can’t even do aerobics correctly or gracefully and I was going to try out for cheerleading?! HA!! Anyway, all these beautiful SKINNY girls came to the tryouts. And then there was me. Me with my short hair and glasses…and probably braces. The basketball coach was one of the judges and she said that she didn’t want to lose me off the basketball team and that’s why I didn’t make it. Yeah right. I didn’t believe it then, I don’t believe it now. It was a small school. Everyone knew who tried out and who didn’t make it. And why.

I’m not sure where I was going with this. You were warned that these posts are not going to make much sense. Oh yeah, the dark place. My husband was wondering what is going on with me, but I don’t even think I can explain it to him. I want to becuase we’ve had communication problems in the past and I’ve been working on being more open but how does one explain something to someone when she can’t even explain it to herself?

I had some random thoughts today as I pondered this whole weight loss thing. I wanted to write them down so I could come back and revisit them later if needed. Not that I am going to rehash every single thing that happened during my childhood, but I think it’s good to remember where we came from so we can see the postive changes we have made.

I remember my grandparents calling me “chubby”

I remember in about 4th grade not wanting to wear a certain shirt b/c it made me look fat and my mom forcing me to wear it. I can still see the shirt. It was purplish and I can see the way it fit across my stomach (which in 4th grade couldn’t have been that bad) and I still hate it. I think I see it everytime I put on a shirt that fits a little too tight.

I remember when I started losing my weight (at 26 years old) being excited that I was able to buy a pair of pants from Old Navy (a normal store!) and my mom saying… well, they are cut larger sometimes. Thanks for the support, mom.

I remember shopping with friends and basically standing around looking at clothes I would never be able to fit into while they shopped. Never once going where I could fit into something. I felt a little left out. I didn’t know then about stores such as Lane Bryant (didn’t discover that until later) In fact I don’t even remember where I shopped for clothes in high school.

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In an unrelated note, I did go to the gym today. I didn’t want to go, but I went. It’s hard to get back into routine.

How to begin? Well, let’s just say the past few weeks have not gone well for me. July SUCKED!! Between deaths and childhood phases and illness, I have been totally off track. I’ve been more consumed with taking care of others than taking care of myself. And that’s okay, there just needs to be some balance. I mean, of course I am going to do what needs to be done to make sure my kids are okay and the baby gets back to where she needs to be, but I need to balance that with some time to take care of myself. As much as I’ve been going to the gym over the past month or so (although not so much the past few weeks) I haven’t really been taking care of myself. I haven’t been fully aware of what I’ve been putting into my body. I’ve been really scattered over the past few months about that actually. I used to meticulously plan out what I was going to eat each meal, each day, each week. I don’t know when the last time I sat down and did that. I think I got a little burned out, but I also got lazy and complacent. I stopped taking the time to care for me.

I had a visit from some old “friends” this morning. I’m sure some of you have the same “friends”: self-hatred, disgust, despair. Those little voices that get in your head and tell you that you can’t do this, you’ll always be fat, you’ll never be able to get to goal so why don’t you give up….. You all know them. The reason these three came along? Well, my pants are fitting a little tighter this morning. It’s my own fault, and I should have been prepared, but I wasn’t. I never am. They hit me full force. Actually, self hatred hangs around all the time. Confession time: Did you know that I cannot look at myself in a mirror? I will take a few fleeting glances, but I cannot stand in front of a mirror and look at myself. I haven’t been able to do that for at least 3 years now. If you were to meet me and talk to me or interact with me, you would never know that I have such self-loathing. I want to change this. I’m just not sure how.

I started this blog to track food, to be accountable to someone - even if it was just the world wide web and no one ever read this. But a funny thing happened. I met a wonderful group of women. You all know who you are, but you guys have touched me in ways you don’t even know. I still want this blog to be a type of accountablilty, but I need to do some “housecleaning” first. I have issues — mental blocks if you will — that somehow derail my weight loss train (a horrible analogy — I sincerely apologize). I have to find a way to break through them and come to terms or I will never be able to lose this weight — or keep it off. I sabotoge all efforts I make and I have to figure out why.

So, that being said, this blog will not be about food journals or working out for awhile. I’m going to use it as a journal to try and figure out my feelings. I will still be dieting and such, but I need to have an outlet to get these feelings out. I need to figure out a way to eat better…healthier. I could limit myself to 1500k a day, but if I’m not eating the right things, I won’t get out of this rut. I’ve been doing some research about “Clean Eating” and i may try that. Who knows…. I first have to work on my inner demons.

So read if you dare! Most of the posts will probably be long ramblings making no sense… stream of conscienceness if you will… As long as you promise not to call the men in white coats on me!!