Confessions of a Bulk Eater

I SHAVED THREE MINUTES OFF MY 5K TIME!! WOO HOO!!! I did it in 39:40 and usually I’m somewhere between 42-43 minutes. PLUS… my ipod died in the middle of it so I had to listen to the ridiculous, non-motivating gym music. But I kept going. AND>.. I ran consecutively for 1 mile. That has NEVER happened before! I switched between a 5.3 mph and a 4.7 mph when I got tired. I really wanted to push myself since i’d been slacking all last week.

YAY!! GO ME!!

I have been lightheaded all day. I have no idea why. It’s not because i haven’t been eating.. trust me on that one. I actually had 2 breakfasts today. I had some scrambled eggwhites with tomatoes and low-fat cheese stuffed into 1/2 pita pocket before i left the house, and then an hour or so later had some oatmeal and fruit. Oh yeah, and then a small mini snickers bar.

So then right before lunch I started to get real lightheaded and faint. My stomach was growly so I figured I was just hungry. So I ate lunch… 3 fat free tortillas with f/f refried beans, corn, low fat cheese and hot sauce. It didn’t help. I’ve gotten some caffine and some ice cream in me and STILL feeling it. I think I’d actually feel better if I could just lay down, close my eyes and sleep for a little bit. But I know that isn’t going to happen.

My friend, who is an LPN, said “Are there any diabetics in your family? Maybe you’re becoming pre-diabetic and all the carbs you ate this morning didn’t help.” Well thanks alot!! One, my paternal grandmother was diabetic. Two, WHAT WOULD I DO IF I COULDN’T EAT CARBS?!! I don’t like protien foods (except beans, and I don’t think my family and coworkers would appreciate it if I only ate beans if you know what i mean). Plus, this is the only time it’s happened and I eat carbs all the time.

On a side note.. we are going to look at another house tonight. I’ve started a new page on my site tiltied “House Hunting.” You can read all about my frustrations there. I didn’t want to put them on the main page, but I needed an outlet.

I swear, work is so stupid. Like we are in high school or something. Okay, okay, I know we are there to WORK and not surf the internet, but seriously… there is nothing else to do at times.

Anyway, just wanted to say thanks to everyone’s comments yesterday. It’s helpful to know that other people have the same feelings at times. I don’t feel like I’m the only loony in the asylum

Oh…. and I think I’m going to dye my hair blonde. I haven’t been blonde in about 5 1/2 years so it will be a major change!! But I can’t do anything with the red right now because it just looks red. If I go blonde again, it will bleach it and I can start over again… like a new canvas!

I’ve been thinking alot about what thin looks like to me. Not physically… I know what it looks like. And sometimes I really don’t want to be “thin”. When I think “thin”, I think of the little stick girls that look like they would break in two if you gave them a squeeze. What I really want to be is “fit”. I don’t want to jiggle in the wrong places. I want to fit into a normal size pair of pants (although I guess 16 is close to norm) but you know what I mean. I would like to put on a tank top and not feel like my arms look as big as an elephant’s leg. So what does that look like? What sort of things do I need to be doing to obtain that? That’s the million dollar question, ladies, because I have no idea. Well, I know WHAT to do, but I have a hard time doing it and sticking with it. There are so many distractions and different ways people go about it, it’s hard to know. I’ve been reading other blogs, and although I’ve found inspiration in many, it’s hard to keep my motivation. I always have second thoughts… is what i’m doing working? I’m not seeing results so it must be wrong. What is that person doing? She’s losing weight.. I must need to do what she is doing. UGH!! My head spins sometimes.

For the past 6 years or so, I’ve been counting points off and on. Maybe that’s not for me. I even tried the core plan… I don’t think that’s for me either (although I love the food and it works better with the vegetarian diet I try to follow) because that is all about portion control and, well, as my header states, I have NO control over portions when left to my own devices. I’m wondering if I should start counting calories. I have a membership at Spark People (it’s free, and from what I’ve seen on it, I would recommend it to anyone) and I can track calories on there. Perhaps it’s time for a change in my weight loss plan… because right now, it’s not much of a weight “loss” plan as much as a “let me watch the scale move 2-3 lbs over or under this one number I can’t seem to get away from.”

Can I do this? Actually, I’m not sure. Sometimes I feel as if I should just give up. Let destiny take it’s course. I think about when I was bigger and I have to admit somethings were better. I didn’t have to watch what I ate. God honest truth… sex was better. Well, not better, but I was apt to do it more often. I have such body dismorphia now that it interferes with my sex life (TMI…sorry). My hair and skin looked better because I was eating what I wanted and obviously getting the right nutrients. But you know, I really don’t want to be that big again. At my highest point (and this is when I was 9 months pregnant with my son) I was at 260 and in a size 24. I don’t want to be there again.

I want to feel good about myself no matter what I look like! I think I need to come to terms with that and I’m really not sure how. Maybe it’s the clothes. Maybe if I went out and bought some nice clothes that fit me NOW (not the nice clothes I have hanging in my closet that I can’t get into) I would feel better about myself. I need a new haircut — well, a haircut period and a new color. All of that costs money though. Boo…. But how does one go about feeling good about themselves?

I can make all the excuses, but really, I just didn’t want to get up. But it’s a good thing I didn’t go. When I left the house for work, my car wouldn’t start. Hubby came down to try and jump it, but to no avail. If I had tried to go to the gym I wouldn’t have been able to get there and I would have wasted getting up early. If I had gotten there, my car wouldn’t have started when I tried to leave there and then I would have been in a bigger mess. So, a new battery for my car tonight.

I’ve been trying really hard to eat right this week. This time of the month is so hard for me. I feel awful, I am fatigued because my iron dips REAL low right about now, and I’m always munchy. But I’m trying. I am going to talk to my doctor when I go in Novemeber about what i can do. Ever since I had my daughter, my periods have been awful. I thought before it was because my body was getting its horomone levels back to normal, but them my OB brought up a good point that I’m not on birth control anymore so they are going to be like this. I had a tubal when I had her, so there’s no reason for me to be on bc, but there has to be SOMETHING I can do. After 2 years of this, I’m over it.

Okay, back to work. Work is cutting down on internet surfing (like we have anything else to do ) so I have to buckle down.

Ugh…. let’s just say that I hate when my Aunt Flo comes to visit. Every month she shows up and every month she is just annoying. It’s always eat, eat, eat. She shows up at the most inopportune times and always outstays her welcome. Plus she makes me SO uncomfortable. I really wish I could do something to make her stay away!

That being said, I was lucky to get up for the gym this morning. The only reason I got up is because i knew my trainer would be there. And of course, today was leg day…. go figure.

One of these days, I will learn how to eat on the weekends. I don’t know what it is, but I can never stick to plan over the weekend. What does everyone else do to stay on plan?