Spam,spam,spam,spam… Spam,spam,spam,spam
Mental Health August 5th, 2008Anyone ever see Monty Python? All this freaking spam in the comments is getting a little ridiculous!! I thought changing the rules on my comments would help but somehow it’s still getting through. I mean, there is a time and a place to learn about hand jobs and animal sex, but I don’t feel like a diet blog is one of them. Just sayin’….
I am slipping further into the dark place. I can tell. I was venting to my friend on the phone tonight and I was starting to feel the urge to cry. I’m not a crier. Well, I take that back. I HATE that I cry at the stupidest things. It tends to happen when I am overwhelmed. It happens sometimes at work. Anyway, I started to have that feeling. It didn’t happen but I can feel myself slipping into the darkness. This is not good. When I get to that place I stop caring. I don’t want to stop caring about this weight loss… Even if I’m not necessarily doing anything drastic to lose the weight right now, i don’t want to stop caring. Caring is what keeps me at least going to the gym. Caring keeps that voice in my head that says “You shouldn’t eat that.”
I can’t even really explain why I am in this place. I guess just all this thinking and restrospective. But I’m not going to stop. It needs to come out or I will just keep sabatoging myself. I was thinking back to my memory yesterday of my mom just totally squashing my excitement over being able to buy a normal size (18 - normal in my mind) pair of pants and I think some of the tendancy to sabatoge comes from that. Perhaps I feel I don’t deserve to be thin. All my life I have been the “big girl”, the “fat friend”, the “athletic girl”. I’ve never been the “pretty girl”. Sometimes I don’t even think I deserve to be married to my husband. I wonder if he really does find me attractive. He says he does and he tells me I am beautiful but I never believe him. He gets mad when I can’t accept it. I just don’t see myself that way. I can’t accept any compliment someone gives me. Not even a simple “thank you.” I just don’t believe what they are saying. When you’ve been labled other things your whole life, it’s hard to accept when someone tells you the exact opposite. I remember trying out for the cheerleading team in…hmm, I guess it was 9th grade. I went to a small private school and we were just starting a cheerleading program. Before you tease me for my cheerleading wannabe-ness, I have to say… I am NOT a girly girl and I should have KNOWN that I wouldn’t be chosen. I can’t even do aerobics correctly or gracefully and I was going to try out for cheerleading?! HA!! Anyway, all these beautiful SKINNY girls came to the tryouts. And then there was me. Me with my short hair and glasses…and probably braces. The basketball coach was one of the judges and she said that she didn’t want to lose me off the basketball team and that’s why I didn’t make it. Yeah right. I didn’t believe it then, I don’t believe it now. It was a small school. Everyone knew who tried out and who didn’t make it. And why.
I’m not sure where I was going with this. You were warned that these posts are not going to make much sense. Oh yeah, the dark place. My husband was wondering what is going on with me, but I don’t even think I can explain it to him. I want to becuase we’ve had communication problems in the past and I’ve been working on being more open but how does one explain something to someone when she can’t even explain it to herself?
August 5th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
I’m sorry for the rough patch you are going through. Sometimes a good cry can be cleansing; kind of a “get it out of your system, pick up , and start anew thing”. If you didn’t care the memories wouldn’t upset you—-all the bad stuff, well you’ve gotten through it, out the other side, so to speak, you survived and you really are stronger for it. A pox on the dark place!!!
August 6th, 2008 at 10:09 am
Hi Eryn! I don’t get any spam so I checked and one place you can check is go to “manage” and then to “options” ans select “general options” make sure the box is checked to allow only registered users and people logged in to comment. Good luck!
You know those cartoons or movies where somebody has a little angel on one shoulder and a little devil on the other, like it’s their conscience battling doing right vs. wrong? Well that’s sort of what I got on my shoulders. Fit me vs. Fat me!
I didn’t promise this wouldn’t sound wacky! Fit me is a lot stronger these days and getting more so all of the time. Fat me will always be there. Whispering for now and sometimes screeching “eat chocolate” “watch tv, chow down, exercise tomorrow”. I know that will start a cycle that I just can’t handle. I guess what I’m saying is that sometimes it’s easy to become overwhelmed with everything and it’s easy to take that route. Oh man soooo easy to do! Watch that the “not caring” is a little shoulder fat chick in disguise! 
Keep up your workouts because you know it truly does make you feel better. Your husband really does love you. And I can tell he finds you beautiful just by you saying he gets mad when you don’t believe him. It’s sort of like he’s giving you a gift and you’re saying you don’t like it. Men for all of their toughness bruise easily too, don’t they! Compliments are like little gifts of “feel good”. So try out a little smile and a thanks and see if it doesn’t become easier each time!
I thought about some of my “chubby” memories, too! Why is it that these stay with us so strong. We recall them like it happened yesterday. Baggage.
Bye for now..and a big old cry is good for ya now and then!
August 6th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
You could consider just not worrying about the food side of things right now. I agree with periwinkle, you did seem to really enjoy your gym time. Especially when it was YOUR time. And you were kicking butt at it, too!
This is personal so I don’t mean for you to answer, just think about it. Did you have an ok relationship with both of your parents or did it leave you wishing for more? I grew up knowing exactly what my dad’s priorities were and I knew I was not one of them. There was nothing I could have ever done to truly get his attention. He wanted to garden and hunt and really barely spoke to me. I think some of my problems now in questioning whether my husband can truly love deeply and unconditionally is due to the fact that I grew up feeling like men just weren’t that way. My mom was, but dad? Not so much.
Hang in there. I think sometimes something in life triggers these types of feelings. But maybe this time you can put some of them behind you so that they don’t have to rear their ugly heads again!